Dick Cheney Has Last Human Organ Removed

Predator Press

A happy and healthy Vice President Dick Cheney smiled and waved to the cameras as he left the George Washington University Jiffy Lube sporting his new terror fighting cardioverter-defibrillator.

"He will require some rest," explains Lead Technician Jeremy Ipswick. "But the operation went perfectly. The new cardioverter-defibrillator will have the VP fighting terror with 12% higher efficiency."

'Event of Emergency' Laminates Differ in First Class

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During sudden decompression, traditional 'Place Oxygen Mask Over Nose and Mouth' instructions are less-than-popular among Americas' jetset.

Richie Sentenced to Four 'The NASA Life' Episodes

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No one appeared more stunned than Nicole Richie when she was sentenced to do pilot episodes for a Fox Network reality show called The NASA Life --except maybe her own lawyer when she shot him right through the forehead with a 9mm.

"Order," demanded the judge, banging his gavel. "Young lady I said ORDER!"

Nicole, seeming to shake that spooky 'vacant' look, promisingly set the safety on her pistol and strapped it back into her thigh holster. "I'm sorry Your Honor."

"The fact that you murdered a lawyer in my courtroom won't get you any points with me today, Missy," said the judge coolly. "I'm going to make you ridicule honest and hard working middle class people for four whole episodes in space."

When asked for comment, Paris Hilton's Parole Officer claimed Paris was “already making daiquiris in the centrifuge”.

MTV 'Pimps My Space Shuttle'

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[LOBO]

Beleaguered by accusations of sabotage and drunk driving, NASA --threatened with Federal Funding cuts and numerous parking tickets-- has decided to downgrade the expectations and pay of their most troublesome resource:

Unmarketable scientists and engineers.

"We saw this trend coming last October," says Senior Physicist Doctor Morgan 'The Mango' Therez. "And when the advertisers saw Exhibit hoist out the Discovery's engine in his garage to change the spark plugs, we knew we had a winner.”

When asked to demonstrate his scientific prowess, Xzibit drew us a diagram on a napkin. “The 'pimped' space shuttle, the EnterPlaya,” he explains, “will come fitted standard with floor-to-ceiling thick shag carpet, a kickass sound system, Xbox 360, landing gear spinners, eight waterbeds, and an aquarium. Booyaa!"

The Truth About the Rat Race

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[Mr Insanity]

As LOBO was being arrested, Templeton peered out from under Phil’s rabies tag.

Phil, LOBO’s cat, was reading extreme signs of stress. And if Phil somehow didn’t find her way back into LOBO’s custody, poof, RDO's entire mission was a failure.

Baking in the 120 degree heat of the sunbathed car, Phil barely noticed as Templeton took flight through the cat cage bars. And perched on the bottom of the steering wheel, Templeton scanned through all data he had on internal combustion engines.

LOBO was already handcuffed and in the back seat of the squad car, but the Chick Magnet’s engine was still running; rolling down all the electric windows -the most important thing- was mere child’s play. The car would go down forty degrees within minutes.

But how was Templeton to save Phil from starvation?

Contemplating this thoughtfully, Templeton flew out the window to seek human aid, only to be promptly struck by a fateful sports car at 220 MPH. The impact ruptured the car’s radiator almost completely on impact, and caused it to limp woundedly aside less than a mile ahead.

The driver was racing from New Jersey to Las Vegas on a highly illegal and lucrative bet, and was suddenly in desperate need for an available vehicle.

And that’s how they met Jimmy Orlando.

Internet Swag

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Lohan Sues eBay Over Faulty Ankle Bracelet

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"Oh man, I just knew something was up Your Honor," explains Lohan.

Once sworn in, Lindsay Lohan dropped bombs: "This necklace is supposed to detect for cocaine, and it only worked for about two weeks," she sobbed. "And that guy had a 101.02% PowerSeller rating! We should all --in pursuit of justice-- collectively leave him some really mediocre 'Feedback'."

When asked for additional comment, Lohan would only reply by grinding her teeth, having animated conversations about how shiny her car was, and proclaiming any juror needing sleep a 'Communist Pussy'.

Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones and CEO of mammajammadrugtectingkewlaccessories105@yahoo.com, insists that MammaJamma technology has been 'totally bastardized by The Man'."

"These devices beam data about the wearer's drug use directly to my BlackBerry," claims Richards. "I just wanted to keep track of where the party was. This is the biggest exaggeration of a product line's intent since the sperm whale got a blowhole."