Predator Press
[Mr Insanity]
As LOBO was being arrested, Templeton peered out from under Phil’s rabies tag.
Phil, LOBO’s cat, was reading extreme signs of stress. And if Phil somehow didn’t find her way back into LOBO’s custody, poof, RDO's entire mission was a failure.
Baking in the 120 degree heat of the sunbathed car, Phil barely noticed as Templeton took flight through the cat cage bars. And perched on the bottom of the steering wheel, Templeton scanned through all data he had on internal combustion engines.
LOBO was already handcuffed and in the back seat of the squad car, but the Chick Magnet’s engine was still running; rolling down all the electric windows -the most important thing- was mere child’s play. The car would go down forty degrees within minutes.
But how was Templeton to save Phil from starvation?
Contemplating this thoughtfully, Templeton flew out the window to seek human aid, only to be promptly struck by a fateful sports car at 220 MPH. The impact ruptured the car’s radiator almost completely on impact, and caused it to limp woundedly aside less than a mile ahead.
The driver was racing from New Jersey to Las Vegas on a highly illegal and lucrative bet, and was suddenly in desperate need for an available vehicle.
And that’s how they met Jimmy Orlando.
Thursday
Wednesday
Tuesday
Lohan Sues eBay Over Faulty Ankle Bracelet
Predator Press
"Oh man, I just knew something was up Your Honor," explains Lohan.
Once sworn in, Lindsay Lohan dropped bombs: "This necklace is supposed to detect for cocaine, and it only worked for about two weeks," she sobbed. "And that guy had a 101.02% PowerSeller rating! We should all --in pursuit of justice-- collectively leave him some really mediocre 'Feedback'."
When asked for additional comment, Lohan would only reply by grinding her teeth, having animated conversations about how shiny her car was, and proclaiming any juror needing sleep a 'Communist Pussy'.
Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones and CEO of mammajammadrugtectingkewlaccessories105@yahoo.com, insists that MammaJamma technology has been 'totally bastardized by The Man'."
"These devices beam data about the wearer's drug use directly to my BlackBerry," claims Richards. "I just wanted to keep track of where the party was. This is the biggest exaggeration of a product line's intent since the sperm whale got a blowhole."
"Oh man, I just knew something was up Your Honor," explains Lohan.
Once sworn in, Lindsay Lohan dropped bombs: "This necklace is supposed to detect for cocaine, and it only worked for about two weeks," she sobbed. "And that guy had a 101.02% PowerSeller rating! We should all --in pursuit of justice-- collectively leave him some really mediocre 'Feedback'."
When asked for additional comment, Lohan would only reply by grinding her teeth, having animated conversations about how shiny her car was, and proclaiming any juror needing sleep a 'Communist Pussy'.
Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones and CEO of mammajammadrugtectingkewlaccessories105@yahoo.com, insists that MammaJamma technology has been 'totally bastardized by The Man'."
"These devices beam data about the wearer's drug use directly to my BlackBerry," claims Richards. "I just wanted to keep track of where the party was. This is the biggest exaggeration of a product line's intent since the sperm whale got a blowhole."
Monday
Blogger Summit Accomplishes Little
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Hey," I says. "Thanks for getting me out of jail."
"No problem," says Doc Mike. "Actually it was Lord Likely."
With a sharp crack, Botter delivers a series of searing blows about my legs with a riding crop. "If M'Lord ever hears of you besmirching blogdome by blogging on a dead rat again," he declares, "He'll have you basted with gravy, and leave you on an island of cannibals!"
"Yes sir," I says, wincing as my sweat burns into the wounds. "How's the food there?"
"Not bad," says Likely.
"Hey," says Domestic Minx. "Why aren't you crying like a sissy?"
"I temporarily fused my tear ducts closed with hot wires," I explain.
"Was that so other prisoners couldn't see you crying?" asks Doc.
"No. That was because a big hairy guy with a knife wanted to see what would happen."
"So you burned your tear ducts closed?" asks LadyTerri.
"Hey," I says. "I was just glad he wasn't some kind of weirdo."
"Good point," says Likely.
"I thought your were a 14th-level Master of Peking Duck," says Doc.
"I am," I says coolly.
"A 14th-level Peking Duck Master," explains Doc skeptically, "can hide under or behind anything, virtually instantly. Thai legend says it can only be learned in a vision during intense meditation."
"Intense meditation!" demands Minx, eyeing me closely.
"I overslept for breakfast and work the next day," I insist. “Fortunately I didn’t have eggs, sausage, pancakes, or a job. Everyone would have been totally fucked.”
"Peking Duck," says Michael-Anne incredulously. "You expect us to buy that--?"
"Where'd he go?" asks Minx.
"I'm right here," I says. "Up in this tree."
"So am I," says Babs. "And I studied The Duck under Ethan's 'lawyers' for two months."
"Babs!" I says. "When did you get out of jail? And did Ethan's lawyers give you that cool set of nunchuck chainsaws?"
"They would given me nukes. The EPA even cleared it. I just wanted the tactile pleasure of slowly dismembering you myself."
"And better JPEGs," volunteers Minx.
"Step back ladies," insists Likely to Terri, Minx, and Michael-Anne. "Don't get LOBO's blood on your dainty ankles."
"14th Level my ass," mutters Doc.
[LOBO]
"Hey," I says. "Thanks for getting me out of jail.""No problem," says Doc Mike. "Actually it was Lord Likely."
With a sharp crack, Botter delivers a series of searing blows about my legs with a riding crop. "If M'Lord ever hears of you besmirching blogdome by blogging on a dead rat again," he declares, "He'll have you basted with gravy, and leave you on an island of cannibals!"
"Yes sir," I says, wincing as my sweat burns into the wounds. "How's the food there?"
"Not bad," says Likely.
"Hey," says Domestic Minx. "Why aren't you crying like a sissy?"
"I temporarily fused my tear ducts closed with hot wires," I explain.
"Was that so other prisoners couldn't see you crying?" asks Doc.
"No. That was because a big hairy guy with a knife wanted to see what would happen."
"So you burned your tear ducts closed?" asks LadyTerri.
"Hey," I says. "I was just glad he wasn't some kind of weirdo."
"Good point," says Likely.
"I thought your were a 14th-level Master of Peking Duck," says Doc.
"I am," I says coolly.
"A 14th-level Peking Duck Master," explains Doc skeptically, "can hide under or behind anything, virtually instantly. Thai legend says it can only be learned in a vision during intense meditation."
"Intense meditation!" demands Minx, eyeing me closely.
"I overslept for breakfast and work the next day," I insist. “Fortunately I didn’t have eggs, sausage, pancakes, or a job. Everyone would have been totally fucked.”
"Peking Duck," says Michael-Anne incredulously. "You expect us to buy that--?"
"Where'd he go?" asks Minx.
"I'm right here," I says. "Up in this tree."
"So am I," says Babs. "And I studied The Duck under Ethan's 'lawyers' for two months."
"Babs!" I says. "When did you get out of jail? And did Ethan's lawyers give you that cool set of nunchuck chainsaws?"
"They would given me nukes. The EPA even cleared it. I just wanted the tactile pleasure of slowly dismembering you myself."
"And better JPEGs," volunteers Minx.
"Step back ladies," insists Likely to Terri, Minx, and Michael-Anne. "Don't get LOBO's blood on your dainty ankles."
"14th Level my ass," mutters Doc.
Former Country Music Star has $1000 for Bail
Predator Press
[LOBO]
While arresting boozy, brawling, drug-addled former country music stars is 'par for the course', having one in custody that can make her own bail defies all known modern history.
"I was totally floored," says Sheriff Jason Alden of the Lee County Sheriff's office. "I mean, rap stars yes. Rap artists share a special kind of camaraderie when it comes to incarceration, and often leave VISAs and 'bling' hidden in the cells so their rivals can be quickly freed and more easily shot at."
He showed us a manila folder.
It's obviously true.
"But Country music artists have a long history of getting raped by record companies," he continues, "and continuing on to boondoggle investment strategies involving precious rhinestones and impractical head and footwear. When I found out Mindy McCready had a Grand just laying around, I was completely mystified."
The fact that Mindy McReady had 'raised the bar' came with mixed reviews from the country artist community as a whole. "Just as soon as we get trucks, booze, beer, whiskey, boots, cheatin', divorce, IRS, taxes, John Deere, jobs 'an Jesus all rhymed up," says one fan, "she's gone and thowed in words like 'recognizance'. Ain't nothing gonna rhyme with recognizance. This is the worst thing to happen to the Marlboro Man image since Willie Nelson's hair."
When asked if "cowpunchers" really punched cows, he replied, "Only if they look me in the eye."
[LOBO]
While arresting boozy, brawling, drug-addled former country music stars is 'par for the course', having one in custody that can make her own bail defies all known modern history."I was totally floored," says Sheriff Jason Alden of the Lee County Sheriff's office. "I mean, rap stars yes. Rap artists share a special kind of camaraderie when it comes to incarceration, and often leave VISAs and 'bling' hidden in the cells so their rivals can be quickly freed and more easily shot at."
He showed us a manila folder.
It's obviously true.
"But Country music artists have a long history of getting raped by record companies," he continues, "and continuing on to boondoggle investment strategies involving precious rhinestones and impractical head and footwear. When I found out Mindy McCready had a Grand just laying around, I was completely mystified."
The fact that Mindy McReady had 'raised the bar' came with mixed reviews from the country artist community as a whole. "Just as soon as we get trucks, booze, beer, whiskey, boots, cheatin', divorce, IRS, taxes, John Deere, jobs 'an Jesus all rhymed up," says one fan, "she's gone and thowed in words like 'recognizance'. Ain't nothing gonna rhyme with recognizance. This is the worst thing to happen to the Marlboro Man image since Willie Nelson's hair."
When asked if "cowpunchers" really punched cows, he replied, "Only if they look me in the eye."
Sunday
Britney Launches Malfunction-Proof Clothing Line
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Very popular in beach communities like Miami, the Boyant Chastity line of clothing has met nothing but rave reviews.
"Boyant Chastity clothes are very comfortable, modest and inconspicuous," says Maria Rodriguez Fernando Jesus Arigoto Vinnie Vito NASCAR Starbucks NASCAR Again Epstein Jones. "I always hated the unwanted attention I would get when I wore my thong to the grocery store or to church."
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