Landscapegoating

Predator Press

[LOBO]

My job and house-hunting have been keeping me very busy.

And today, I'm supposed to mow Mr Insanity's lawn in his absence.

But I have a sacred duty to you o loyal reader; thwarting the onslaught of the green menace must wait!

Shocked that some of you are still getting your news from irresponsible news sources like CNN and FOX rather than Predator Press, my main concern today is over the reporting of the afore mentioned mainstream media.

Often, it's what's not said that make up the most well-embraced and magnificent lies of our world. For example, the Lisa Stebic disappearance; this weekend, a story trickled out that an "unnamed source" had revealed that some of Lisa Stebic's blood had been found in her husband's vehicle. By Monday, the story was not surprisingly being reported as coming from "numerous sources".

The media, essentially, was citing itself.

In contrast, Predator Press never cites anybody.

In another example, yesterday I was pretending to read the newspaper, and there was an article about some someone trying to push legislation through to make it illegal to use horses for food.

Now personally, I maintain a strictly-disciplined vegan, vegetarian, meat, poultry and fish diet. Still, with the rare exception of horse de oeuvres, I don't eat horse.

A horse is a big animal.

A horse could kick your ass.

Plus they make lousy pets. It's hard to get an apartment when you have a pet horse. And housebreaking one? Ewe!

So I can only imagine this new legislation coming from extreme groups like "The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals", aka "PETA". We already agree that aside from glue and keeping blacksmiths on the Liberal Dole, the horse is a pretty damn useless animal overall, right? So where is PETA going with this? And isn't the demand for food essentially 'static'? I mean, if whoever is eating horses becomes forbidden to eat them, wouldn't they just move on to something else? Like puppies and baby seals?

You see here is where Predator Press becomes relevant. Augmented with my radiant braniosity, we've seen straight through the bull and uncovered what is quite possibly the biggest story this year to date:


PETA isn't interested in animals at all.

They want to kill plants.


While the explicit reason for PETA's well-documented anti-foliage conspiracy for murderous rampage isn't clear, this thinly-veiled cabal has been actively pursuing the decimation of the plant population for years now.

Looking out over Mr Insanity's overgrown yard, I'm considering making PETA a sizable donation ....

The Sound and the Furious

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The strange, screaming woman on the phone informed me that my alimony payments were late.

"Of course they're late," I explain frantically. "I didn't even know about them until now!"

I put the phone in a drawer, but could still hear it. I tried leaving it at the other end of the house with the same results. Honestly, it was either appease this angry woman somehow, or throw the phone into Mr Insanity's pool ... but it looked like a really expensive phone.

I finally just mailed her Ethan's Super Triple Platinum card.

How I could have married such a disagreeable woman completely defies explanation.

... She must be hot.

Oh Darling

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

I haven't been able to write very frequently lately; my job has me traveling a lot.

So a six hour delay had me arriving from Quebec at the Dash Cunning International Airport at 9:00 pm.

Then my car broke down.

I ended up dragging myself and my luggage in the house at 2:00 am; LOBO and Phil, still house-hunting since the fire, were sleeping soundly on the couch.

The last thing I remember was collapsing on my bed face-first, and dreaming fitfully of inane conversations in Spanish.

Then my cell rang.

I answered groggily to a hideous, blood-curdling screech I haven't heard since I was married.

Oddly enough, it was my ex wife; she neglected to fax an annual document to the courthouse, and this caused a delay in my alimony payments to her.

I mean who the fuck pays alimony these days?


***

Now when you get divorced, doesn't that mean explicitly that you don't have to wake up like this anymore? Isn’t it tacitly implied? I paid a lot of money for that divorce. That was a damn fine divorce I might add: if I was going to get fucked, I was going to score some dinner and dancing first.

We even threw a party.

Yet here she is.

If I listen too long, I decide, she will make me gay.

I hung up, and grabbed my bags.

Fuck this. I'm going back to Canada.

Do I have to pay alimony in Canada?

As I struggled my bags though the hall the phone rang again, and LOBO sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey," he yawns cheerily.

I toss my ringing phone into his lap.

"It's for you," I says, leaving.

Divorce, my friends, is a complete rip-off.

Go with murder.

On Top

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Babs,” I says into the prison phone. “You look great. Make up, hot outfit … it’s totally amazing how well you’re doing in here.”

“Thanks,” she spits. Snapping her fingers, she points at a guard. “You. Bring me a sifter of cognac.” Eyeing LOBO, she adds, “Make that a double.”

“Sure thing sugar,” says the guard.

“Wow,” I says, dazzled. You’re practically running the place now. But why is your lipstick all messed up? And why are you always brushing your teeth?”

“When are you getting me out of here?”

“Why would you want to get out? Hell, with all those chicks in there, I wanna get in. I'm tired of hanging out in the parking lot and getting rebuffed by the parolees. Can you imagine how much action I would probably somehow not get if was inside? I've already started a tunnel!”

“LOBO, please. I want out. To see birds in the blue sky--”

“Birds!?” I interrupt. “Listen baby, there are three rules in life you need to follow. The first is Don’t eat egg salad sandwiches out of vending machines. The second is Always wear underwear because your zipper conducts electricity. And the third is Never ever ever trust an animal that doesn’t have the decency to be on the ground when it takes a crap.”

New Jersey Ablaze, Thousands Flee

Predator Press

Predator Press salutes Jerry Falwell, already doin God's Will.

--Now do France.

Insomnia

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Phil can't sleep.

And as a consequence, neither can I.

Yes, I know cats are naturally nocturnal. But I've had Phil for about a year now, and usually he's pretty content and peaceful at night. Lately he's just so fidgety; in and out of bed, meowing at absolutely nothing ... I just don't get it.

This is becoming a problem; I absolutely need eight hours of sleep at night -as well as four or five during the day- or I can't function at all.

Whatever angst and anxieties are riddling Phil are slowly deteriorating my vice-like grip on sanity; often in the quiet darkness, I swear I hear a soft, tinny voice repeatedly asking for someone named 'Templeton', followed by another, doggedly replying "Hola!"

But that's nothing; last night Phil was curled up on my pillow and I heard a full-on conversation:

Voice: Templeton?

Other Voice: Buenas noches!

Voice: Ah, hmmm ... Hablo un poco español; ¿comprende usted?

Other Voice: Si. Yo comprendo.

Voice: ¿Habla usted inglés?

Other Voice: No.

Voice: Hablo un poco español. ¿Dónde esta el baño?

Other Voice: ¿Cómo?

Voice: Un momento.

Other Voice: Está Bien; Muy bien.

Goddamn it, this goes on for hours.

Predator Press Mourns Loss of Jerry Falwell

Predator Press

Great. Now we're down to three readers.