Mink

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Ethan hands me a credit card

--a Super Triple Platinum card.

"Ooooo ... !" I says, turning it to watch the electroplated genuine Aztec gold surface flash in the light.

It's actually made of platinum.

The raised letters are meticulously carved diamond shards.

After a few minutes, I realize Ethan is talking to someone. Something about "being tired of this," and Babs getting someone out of jail finally or something.

"If those people keep fundraising for Babs on their blogs, you're going to force me to invoice them for Copyright Infringement!" he says, storming out.

I hope Babs gets right on that 'jail' thing.

It would suck to be in jail.

This card has a mink handgrip!

Stretch

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Is Babs' bail really that much money?" asks Mr. Insanity.

"You wouldn't believe how much it is," I says.

"You could hit up Ethan for it," he says doubtfully.

"After she tried to steal his empire?" I laugh sadly. "Ethan wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire." I scratch my chin. "Maybe we could have a telethon."

"Maybe. Have you gone to see her yet?"

"I'm going tomorrow. Today I'm getting together a 'care package'."

"Well, that's very nice. What's in it?"

"Cigarettes and soap-on-a-rope."

Pokey

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It has come to my attention that websites like "Stuff and Stuff and Stuff" are currently fundraising for Babs' bail money.

I've linked all of them in the Site Guide --right under “Petit Mal”-- just so you know that you don't have to go there; I'm bound to come up with that $60 by simple virtue of this huge stack of scratch-off lottery tickets.

These lottery tickets --coupled with about 40,000 of your generous pennies so's I can scratch 'em off-- means I have everything well-in-hand.

... And Babs always wanted to hang with Paris Hilton ... !

Focus

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So I’m worried that Babs is still in jail, and standing in line behind these two guys trying to get into this classy restaurant. One of them is wearing an “I FARM YOU EAT” sweatshirt.

And I’m thinking a guy with that shirt could pull down chicks like crazy.

I mean think about it; a guy that fondles cows knows how to keep his hands warm, right?

... But enough about promiscuous, deviant cows! I have Babs to get out of jail, and $60 worth of inventive bail money to come up with.

I must focus.


***

Now, I’m a vegan.

But for purposes of keeping an eye on this sick 'farming' monster, I eat a big rib-eye steak, baked Alaska, fried mushrooms, pork chops, potato skins, truffles, and drink a diet Pepsi.

--all the while focusing like a laserbeam on how to get Babs out of jail.

Still, I wish this weirdo would leave those poor cows alone.

That sick bastard fits the profile of a ‘Bovine Enabler’ precisely.

Ads We Need to See

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[LOBO]

DIAMONDS
"If you're going to smack the bitch around,
give her parents something to think over."

Spring Hopes Eternal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I venomously hate my lawn.

It's always arrogantly growing, like "Look LOBO, I'm a big green jerk and I'm screwing up your weekend 'cuz now you gotta mow! HAHAHAHA"

I want my lawn dead.

Every last blade.

I want a goddamn chloroform Holocaust.

I'll mow one last @#$!@$!! time, and leave the remains all scattered about as a warning to the other grass thinking about growing here.

Then I can lay down green linoleum, and just hose it off once a month ...

TORNADO PROVEN TO BE FAJITA LEVEL 5

Predator Press

Predator Press Copy Editor fired as FEMA deploys sour
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