Ads We Need to See

Predator Press

[LOBO]

DIAMONDS
"If you're going to smack the bitch around,
give her parents something to think over."

Spring Hopes Eternal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I venomously hate my lawn.

It's always arrogantly growing, like "Look LOBO, I'm a big green jerk and I'm screwing up your weekend 'cuz now you gotta mow! HAHAHAHA"

I want my lawn dead.

Every last blade.

I want a goddamn chloroform Holocaust.

I'll mow one last @#$!@$!! time, and leave the remains all scattered about as a warning to the other grass thinking about growing here.

Then I can lay down green linoleum, and just hose it off once a month ...

TORNADO PROVEN TO BE FAJITA LEVEL 5

Predator Press

Predator Press Copy Editor fired as FEMA deploys sour
cream, salsa, dice, and 'Monster Manual'

I, Calculatron

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The reason I failed the exam for my blogger license is ‘cuz they ask trick questions.

They ask you stuff like:

2 + 2 = ?

I mean come on!

It could just be two couples hanging out, right? I mean that’s open to a lot of interpretation. Now a question like:

2 X 2 = ?

-That’s obviously a 'fourgy'!

When Dreams Go All Frappe

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, Rupert Murdoch’s check never materialized.

--Honestly, I don’t know why people do business with guys like that.

Worse, I got like ten calls from Babs asking me why I haven’t bailed her out of prison yet.

It’s not like I forgot, it’s just that that sixty bucks was supposed to come out of Rupert’s 3 billion.

After a couple of days, I realized Rupert was stiffing me, and then I guess I just got a little embarrassed.

God I wish she would stop calling.

Cashing In

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I didn't expect to be at work today, but Rupert Murdoch's 3 billion dollar check is apparently delayed.

I don't know what the number '3 billion' even looks like, but I imagine the check to be very, very long; it's probably in a very, very long envelope and jamming some machine at the post office.

So I gotta go to work today.

Phooey.


***

I find myself daydreaming about 3 billion dollars. Dammit, that's a lot of scratch-off lottery tickets I'll bet. And my hand would get all cramped up after a while, and then I would have to hire someone to help me. But I'll have to hire someone to do my hiring first -I hate job interviews. And I'll bet the jerk steals my lucky scratching quarter, and I have to call the cops on him. And then the lawyers have my 3 billion dollars.

I don't like this plan anymore.

And who is going to shuffle up Jimmy Orlando's paperwork when I retire with 3 billion dollars?


***

With 3 billion dollars, I could travel.

I could go clear to Portland Oregon if I wanted. Hell, with 3 billion dollars, I could have Portland Oregon brought to me.

Where the hell am I going to put Portland Oregon?

Rupert, did you make the check out for 'cash'? The bank always gives me shit because the only ID I got is a library card that expired in 1999. But I'll bet they change their tune when they see that check! They'll all be like "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," hoping I will buy them stuff.

And buy stuff I shall! With 3 billion dollars, I could go to the Dollar Store, and buy presents for, ah ... well ... a lot of people!

Rupert, I hope you sent it certified.

Rupert?

Dear Rupert Murdoch

Predator Press

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

It has been recently brought to our attention that you have placed a 6 billion dollar bid on The Wall Street Journal.

The Wall Street Journal is an infinitely boring publication that no one reads. Jeez, it barely even has any pictures!

We’ll sell you Predator Press for half.