I Feel Like This All The Time

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I Injured the Obliques!

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I, the Mighty LOBO, must wear glasses now.

-And all this time I thought the "Alphabits" were just talkin' trash.

Divided You Fall

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Want a decent example of how fucked contemporary America is? Rush Limbaugh and I are in total agreement.

The single surviving facet not struck down by the Supreme Court in Arizona's attempt to get a handle on their "Immigration" issue was the one where, if lawfully stopped, the police were authorized to verify the citizenship status of the individual.

Let me start by saying I do not think the need to present an ID is a racist issue. Even I, the Mighty LOBO -Senior LOBOnian Diplomat and Liason to the United States- have to present identification several times a week.

So all ten people legally in Arizona said, "Hey, we have to pay for these untaxed people through social services funded by our legal residents. Federal law prohibits this type undocumented 'occupation,' but you Feds are not enforcing your own laws. And this is really screwing the four people in Arizona who are paying taxes."

The Supreme Court rejected virtually every element of Arizona's proposed laws -based ironically on the fact that "immigration" is an exclusively Federal issue- but retained Arizona's right to identify "illegals" to the Feds.

So cool, right? At least the Feds are still on board?

Within HOURS of this teeny "victory," Federal officials told Arizona "Yeah. You can find out if they are illegal or not. But don't call us about it." I swear to God that's exactly what happened: the 'United' States told Arizona "You're still on your own."

So Arizona is handcuffed to whatever al qaeda fuck that wanders in without recourse because the Feds decided to be defunct and useless by selective enforcement of their own law? That's at least dereliction of duty if not outright treason, and Arizona is obliged to manage an unenforceable, porous, dangerous and expensive border as a consequence.

-Whoops ... can we really even call it a "border" at this point with a straight face?

I cite the United States in contempt of it's own hallowed "Constitution," and if I were Arizona, I would secede from this so-called "Union" entirely. LOBOnia backs Arizona 100%. Moreover, LOBOnia has plenty of room for Arizona, and invites Arizona to become an official LOBOnian territory -replete with a LOBOnian government and LOBOnian taxation.

C'mon Arizona. Think about it at least.

-LOBOnia has better weather too.

It's On

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"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Who is this?"

"You damn well know who this is. This is Debbie."

"Okay," I sigh, leaning back on the couch.

Brief pause.

"Is this Jesse?" she asks.

"Is this Debbie?" I demand.

-Holy crap. I hope I have popcorn left.

Mark it Zero

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If this is a Consular Ship, Where is the Ambassador?

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NASA Retires Space Shuttle "Atlanta" to Undisclosed Location

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Cat Crack on a Soap Salt Budget

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I found a half a pack of "Fuzzy Sticks" -kinda like really long pastel pipe cleaners.

For a full bag containing 100 the Walmart label says "$1.99."  The product code suggests they can be found in the Crafts Department, and the fact that Walmart has a "Crafts Department" is probably most profound thing in this post altogether.

Still, it started with me bouncing a "Fuzzy Stick" playfully off of Phil II's noggin.  Once I got her attention, she would try and catch the end.  And as she inevitably caught it here and there, random kinks and elbows would form in the wire ... only serving to make the thing more wobbly and unpredictable.

Ultimately I set it down, and she continued to play with it relentlessly for two hours straight, hopping on one bent end only to have the other rise.

-Thoroughly exhausted, she is now sound asleep.

HELP ME

After Four Days, Phil II Already Requires Catnip "Intervention"

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How Can Hearts Not Swell and Burst?

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Bein' Adopted is SOOO Exhausting

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Sex Offender

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"How come you haven't been going to work?" asks Barbarossa. "Did you get fired already?"

"No." I reply. "The Spanish Fly Industrial Complex closed down. Everyone is dead. I would be too if I hadn't called off sick my first day."

"What happened?"

"Apparently they tried my suggestion of using ionized water. This created the unexpected result of Spanish Fly that actually worked. What ensued was the most fantastic HAZMAT situation in history, and within two hours everyone died from severe trauma to the pelvis."

Barbarossa stares.

"I still get a check in the mail every two weeks," I shrug.

"Cool!"

For Once I'm Excited About a Monday

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Obama Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

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“For a guy that got the job,” says Barbarossa, “you sure don’t look very happy about it.”

“Nah I’m fine,” I says, checking my mirrors. “It‘s just weird. Nobody has passed that test in 30 years. Doctor Yakamoto died in 2006. So everybody has gotta pull on my hair to see if it’s a wig.”

“So it’s the Spanish Fly Industrial Complex, huh? What do they make?”

Watching the road, I didn’t realize he wasn’t kidding.

“Spanish Fly,” I say finally, migraine already creeping in.

“Wow,” says Barbarossa, staring vacantly into the rolling scenery. “Do the Japanese make American ones too? Or are those shipped to Japan? And who makes the flies for the Spaniards?”

Idiot.

“Spanish Fly is a drink that supposedly makes women, ah, amorous.”

“Will it work on Agatha?”

I stare. “No. You should stick to something traditional like Wild Turkey.”

“But that’s because you think Agatha is a guy. And if Agatha is a guy, I would be gay. And I’m not gay.”

“Have you had sex yet?”

“Not in the traditional sense,” he explains. “She’s saving herself for marriage.”

I scowl as all the car's cylinders rise willingly to the sudden burst of speed request at my toe. “Barbarossa, if you say one more goddamn thing I’ll jump the median and kill us both.”

He's like having a conversation with a rock that has learning disabilities. And true to form, he get a few miles before he forgets.

“They’re gonna miss you at the warehouse,” he says.

“Yeah,” I sigh happily, relaxing my toe. “And I wanted to talk about that. You’ll probably end up with my old job if you play your cards right.”

“I’ll have to if me and Agatha are going to raise a family.”

Picking my battles, I let that slide. Rubbing my chin, I choose words carefully. “A car, good job, steady,” I wince painfully. “-girlfriend," I blurt. “You’ve come a long way. “And I’m proud of you. Sort of. I’m taking you off of Probation.”

“Fucking awesome,” he beams. “Hey. Will you tell me what that big red button you threatened me with did?”

“It wasn’t hooked up to anything,” I confess nervously. “It didn’t need to be. Your imagination was infinitely worse than any nightmarish device I could devise.”

“I’ll say,” Barbarossa agrees, eyebrows arched high. “I started wetting the bed last September.” Still staring at the scenery, he adds, “How come we don’t put Spanish Fly in the water supply? We would probably get medals or something.”

“I’m way ahead of you,” I says, scowling. “It turns out Spanish Fly doesn’t work. All it probably does is give a guy some confidence.”

Barbarossa nods slowly. “But what if he’s an asshole?”

“Well, let’s face it,” I says, turning down Barbarossa’s street. “The guy who is going to slip this into someone’s drink for sex is a moral level of scumbag just inches from using roofies or whatever in the first place.”

“Do you get an employee discount?”

“Hell yeah,” I grin. “40 percent off!”