Saturday

MAMBA




Predator Press


[LOBO]

Millions and millions of readers are always asking me every day, "LOBO, where are you at with current day politics?"

I have founded the "Make America More Boring Again" party, aka MAMBA.

We promise to do absolutely nothing. All you need is footie pajamas.

Nancy Pelosi tucks us in after milk and cookies.

Quiet


LOBO
-Predator Press

I've told so many crazy stories about how I blew up my shoulder two months ago, the boring truth will likely be lost to history.

"I was playing for the 49ers."

"The Kama Sutra doesn't come with warning labels!"

"The MMA put me in the wrong weight class," or

"An old friend bet me I couldn't stick a one-and-a-half somersault with a half twist from a janky Craig's List pommel horse."

-Then, with a straight face, I conclude with "I can't talk about it per the settlement agreement."

But this got me thinking about Predator Press again.  Here we both are at the end of the world.

The problem with writing Predator Press is that it isn't a memoir. Yuck.  I can't think of anything more pretentious and boring than some douchebag's memoir, let alone mine.  But framed as quasi-fictional humor, all the names, dates, locations and scenarios have been changed to protect the guilty to such an extent, even I am having issues tracking this, er, "story."

So I'm going to try and rewind a little bit.  The early parts of the past decade were admittedly pretty shitty, and, a pisspoor humorist, I stayed trying to be funny.  On a Cosmic scale, I think that was what I was born to do.  But while I obfuscated myself so no one had to see the ongoing relentless shitshow, life slowly and incrementally got better.

And I wouldn't tackle such a project it unless it had a happy ending -well, as happy an ending as 2020 will allow.

Welcome to History.

Friday

All That Sweet Library Money

LOBO -Predator Press


As I throw the switch, I explain "It's time to put on your put on your protective goggles and safety chapstick."

The turbines whine to life.

"So this is how you spend your free time?"

"What?" I says. "I can't hear you."

She leans her mouth to my ear: "SO THIS IS HOW YOU SPEND YOUR FREE TIME?"

It is at this moment I simultateously realize women are imposible to understand, and her hair looks amazing.

"I had my bedroom fans replaced with P-51 Mustang plane engines so it would seem more comfortable and peaceful," I confess. "Those Messerschmitt engines made everything smell like gasoline."

Sunday

Malibu

LOBO -Predator Press

The irony of watching plumes of smoke along the coast from the deck of the Honeypot isn't lost on me.

"You look like you would rather be there," Fish giggles, pouring wine.

"Nah," I says, taking a glass. "Protesters, counter-protesters, insurgents ... this is fighting police on police terms."

"So you're admitting it comes down to law?"

I shrug. "Nobody was listening. This had to happen."

Fish and I are coworkers labelled "essential," so we started sort of quarantining together a few months ago to blow off steam. We're an odd pairing. Her house in Malibu burned down several years ago, and local ordinances forbade her rebuilding. In the transition, she moved to the Honeypot to consider her options.

"You understand," she says soberly, "if the business folds, you lose the house."

"Ya," I reply. "Maybe the car too, unless I can pull something out of my keyster. Gina, Rachel and Jiaying are already looking for something else."

They will probably have to take Phil II with them.

"You and Wendy could stay here for a while."

"Thank you," I smile. "But I doubt Guillermo wouldn't stand for that."

Guillermo Del Taco, Fishs' ex husband, is perhaps one of the most intimidating men I've ever met. He lost Honeypot in their bitter divorce. Bad mojo. Plus this is a bit of a trap. Fish isn't good at hiding her romantic intent. For instance, I came aboard under the auspice of 'having dinner.' Where is the food?

When I first met Fish, she was beautiful. But after her divorce, she started getting frequent plastic surgeries. She got the nickname "Fish" when someone unkindly remarked she was starting to look like a Wallace and Gromit love interest. My penis and I have intuited some sort of self-mutilation in process. She's unrecognizable now, and a weird metaphor; like America, I'm not sure I ever knew what she was. Over time, all the cosmetics and polish are observable as a very thin veneer.

This version of 'beauty' must stop. It's not healthy.

"I've been waiting for this my whole life," I muse out loud, and a salty waft of smoke blows by. "And I don't know how to help it."


Destroy The Running

LOBO -Predator Press


>|

Wednesday

Choking the Skeleton


Predator Press

[LOBO]

As the worlds' most beloved Anarchist, millions and millions of people are always asking me every day "LOBO! What should we do?"

Look. I'm on a yacht in International Waters surrounded by half-dressed Instagram "Influncers," trying to recover from edibles/wine/various. Frankly, I, this ship, and everyone aboard need to be boiled. STOP BEING A PEST.

I've witnessed and experienced cop abuse … thankfully I haven't been murdered yet, but I do have a nice tan going and the day is young. Our relationship with police needs to be reinvented, and I WILL NOT PAY for bodycams that can be turned off conveniently, more weapons, et cetera; fuck "copaganda" … they decimate lives and communities maintaining an already brutal economic status quo. I'll buy them a dictionary so they understand the words "Protect" and "Serve."

It is our duty to resist authority.

Incremental defunding makes sense. All the "reforms" proposed currently are common sense things police were supposed to be doing in the first place. Harvey Weinstein is getting a trial, and a guy trying to pass a bogus $20 bill is dead. After almost a century, the cops ain't 'learnin SHIT. So fuck 'em.

There ARE good cops. Let's make the dick-wagging bad ones accountable. And then maybe I can stop being an Anarchist, and take up Sudoku or knitting or something.

Tuesday

Mista BLICK

LOBO -Predator Press

I haven't had much time to delve into the VR world. And, until recently, I regarded it merely as "nifty."

But then I got a copy of something that changed my opinion.  There is software on the way that will let you make "handwritten" notes and a really cool 3-D archive system.  Anyone that knows me knows that I have notes EVERYWHERE, and my current organizational skills have me finishing this post February 2027.

Just saving the paper excites me.

"Man you really like that," Barbarossa observes. "Can I try it?"

It was about 6 minutes before he was hurling the writing tools, hoping for explosions.

Acoustic Uterus

LOBO -Predator Press