Sunday

Red Wedding


Predator Press

[LOBO]

My tires screamed in agony against the parking lot asphalt.

The warehouse of the media distributor I've worked at for two years was on fire.

An alarm blared. I noticed other cars in the parking lot, and this tells me there are co-workers inside. I grabbed my codekey and tried the door against hope. If the electricity is out, I would have to plow my car –my beloved 1990 Plymouth Horizon, fully equipped with optional AM radio and brakes on all tires- through a weak wall thirty feet to my right.

But the codekey fucking worked.

Thick black smoke billowed out, and I ducked under it. I covered my mouth for no reason I can readily think of; the air just seemed too thick to breathe. Lars Arson, Phoebe, and a handful of other vaguely familiar employees were crawling and wheezing to the door I opened. Blind from the smoke, I made a left. Forty feet, right, climb fifteen steps … Thinking quickly, I topple a shelf of thick philosophy books. You know, to distract the fire.

… Holy shit, it's hot.

… right … left. Smoke poured from the nursery as I ran by. Then I passed a small group of nuns as they choked and wheezed prayers, presumably for fire extinguishers.

Can barely breathe. I am so tired.

I arrive at my department, the door conspicuously labeled “Adult Materials,” and then the rescue operation begins.


***


By the time the fire department arrived, I had six pallets worth of “adult materials” stacked in the parking lot.  My clothes, hair and eyebrows burning, I am frantically trying to extinguish them.

“Hey!” a fireman says, jumping from his truck. “Is there anyone in there?”

“Yes!” I scream. “The entire Marilyn Chambers collection, and most of Traci Lords!”



Thursday

Rejoining the Primordial Ooze

 Predator Press  

[LOBO]

Today was exactly the same as any other day. Shaved, showered, teeth brushed, car warmed up [via remote start], and a full commuter cup of steaming coffee. But it was sixty degrees -the highest temperature since October, I think- when I hit that same crowded intersection at 7:37am.

But there was no one there.

I will start my new job in ten minutes.


A bluebird slipped in, and sang to me from my shoulder. A rainbow seems to follow my car as I close the distance.

See, "Pornographic Materials" in my company means anything containing sexual content. From sex tips to Harlequin romance, half of America's lust will pass between my blistered hands.  And frankly, the kid stuff freaks me out anyway -I won't miss that creepy department a single iota.

Now, I am a sex god.

-Or maybe a sex demigod. Or at least a rumor of sex-goddiness.

But when I made that strangely uncomplicated turn, I saw a pillar of smoke.

The rainbow faded.

Oh shit.



Tuesday

Slippery Plastic

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"You gotta be kidding," I says.  "My first raise in two years, and you offer me this?"

"It's the best we can do," Lars Arson, the Receiving Department Manager insists.  "Most employees got nothing at all."

"I've been working sixty-hour weeks for six months.  And in the third worst winter in Chicago history, I drove through horizontal-blowing subzero blizzards -replete with lightning and thunder- to get here on time," I says, thumping my finger on his desk.  "They got nothing?  Good!  When I drag your ass out onto there and beat the fuck out of you in front of them, I'll be a goddamn hero."

"We also wanted to put you in charge of all the pornographic materials."

The tears well up so fast, I can't stop them.

"You're the best boss I've ever had," I confess.


Saturday

Future LOBOnian-American Diplomatic Relations in Question

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I remember "coming to" vaguely.

-A balding man, typing with one finger, is asking me questions I am answering on autopilot.  He fills out forms -replete with scan-friendly magnetic bar codes- in handwritten immaculate print as he examines my birth certificate.  On the counter in front of me is my two-inch thick manila folder containing my identity.  A tattered copy of the current Scientific American -which I pretend to understand intensely when I think I will have time to kill in public- is pushed aside in cramped space.

The hands of a plain clock on the wall, the kind I remember staring at endlessly in school, says 8:35.  The bleak sunlight fighting in though the glass doors twenty feet to my right suggest it is morning.

Isn't this Saturday?

"Would you like to be an organ donor?"

I notice a large picture on the wall of the Illinois Governor, obviously fake-smiling with big, crazy teeth.

He looks clearly insane.

Oh no.

"No," I reply.  "Nothing works anymore anyway," I lie suspiciously.

Cumbersome American laws require you to update an address change on your drivers license within 30 days.   LOBOnia -the mobile ten foot sphere that surrounds me at all times- has agreeable trade relations with America, so a scant three years later I deigned to acquiesce at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and I am apparently awake about halfway through the process.

I died in my sleep and went to Hell.

But I have apparently planned for this in advance.  I am dressed nice, and remember promising myself to try and smile for the photo.  You know, try and change my Karma?  Still, this is a shitty, shitty way to wake up.

-In the subsequent photo of a man trying to force a sincere smile after going through the DMV,  I am obviously fake-smiling with big, crazy teeth.

I look clearly insane.

Saturday

Ask LOBO

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Before there was LOBOnia, there was America -a vast and untamed frontier.

When we arrived on the Nina, the Pinto, and the Santa Fe, we all had major issues: the Ellis Island locals -"Indians"- had lost our luggage, and gave us a lot of shit about our passports.  But I rented horses and a wagon from AVIS, and a few of us struck out west.

For our Destiny.

***

"Sapphire has been fighting that grizzly bear for hours," Flandsa Ha’asasanba yelled over the windy blizzard two months later.  "We should help her!  I am cold and hungry, and she is trying to get us bear meat and a pelt."

"I got ten bucks on the bear," I yells back.  "Fuck that.  Besides, the dashboard on this wagon is giving me low tire pressure warnings.  That's totally unfixable.  We should use the wagon for a fire and eat the horses!"

And that is why, to this day, I live in Chicago.


Tuesday

Up a Mountain, Down a Hill

Predator Press

[LOBO]

There's a side of me that is grateful to have a job at all, but the climb out of this crater is exponentially harder all the time. The last six months of employment have been 12 hour days, and six days a week.  As of Tuesday, Sisyphus and I are now connected on LinkedIn.
 
Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Work, nap, work, work … 
 
Thank God football season ended or I would be dead by now.  And then you guys have to erect that giant commemorative solid gold statue of me, and change all your calendars to include the “After LOBO” era to that weird “B.C.” and “A.C.” crap!
 
But fear not, o Loyal Reader.
 
-I have stayed alive for your convenience.



MARCY PLAYGROUND - Poppies

Predator Press

"And now this story told,
from days of our old
-when gossamer doggies
ran round

They patiently wait
with pieces of eight
so everybody could smile
one more time."








Wednesday

So Complex Cassandra

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I wasn't surprised when the fight broke out at the plant today.

-Twelve hour six-day weekly shifts, blisters on blisters, and brutal, intense cold since October will get you some fucking fights.

And I started the shift in a state of pre-aggitatation myself: the Feds are wiping their ass with some bullshit “Constitution” via the NSA. Simultaneously, they're shitting on Colorado's State Rights to legalize cannabis by making the proceeds illegal to deposit in banks ... thus, a legal business Colorado supported is being meddled with and physically endangered in a pussy-ass chicken-shit attempt to trick them into laundering money.

-A Federal Offense.

Hmmmmm.

So who owns the banks? Who owns America? Who do they represent?  Who owns this big lie “Freedom," and why did all those all those brave guys die defending it?

I'm not sure why it bothers me frankly. LOBOnia seceded from the “American Dream” many, many, many tax seasons ago.  We don't understand paying somebody to fuck with Us in pursuit of “Liberty”: the “Land-of-Opportunity to rub nickels together for some fuck on a distant foreign beach yelling into his cellephone about his profit margin between blowjobs” can kiss Our royal ass.

LOBOnia formally requests Colorado to send diplomats and delegates to hammer out Peace Treaty terms, and discuss a possible Alliance.

(Catered by Fritos.)


Sunday

The Cosmic Rolodex

Predator Press

[LOBO]

”Thank you for holding,” she says. ”You have been very patient.”

And this lie throws me off.

-In the Cosmic Rolodex outlining my attributes, “Patient” would be a waaaaayyy deep cut.

”And when did this problem start sir?”

That Rolodex would go: Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clack clickety clickety clickety clickety clack clickety clickety clack clack clack … clack … clack … clack ...

... clack ...

Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clickety clack clickety clickety clickety clickety clack clickety clickety clack clack clack … clack … clack … clack ...

... clack ...

“... Patient.”

-Booyah! And it's about damn TIME.

”I am very sorry I could not resolve your problem,” she concedes. ”Is there anything I can further assist you with today?”

“Well, yes,” I says. “Why is my mother so hard to get along with lately?”

Monday

Fimbulvetr


Predator Press

[LOBO]

When I left this morning, it was negative eleven degrees.

Holy shit that's cold.

I remote started the car through the kitchen window, and came out minutes later to find it off. I thought, “that's weird” and started her back up.  All kinds of blinking lights and crazy warning messages came on -like I was driving the flying saucer from Close Encounters.

“ESC MAINTENENCE REQUIRED.”

What the hell does that mean?

-"I'm too sexy to be stolen from the Earth,” I thought. "People will notice! Important people!

 
***

Home safely now. Banging the snow from my boots causes blinding pain, as numerous blisters have fused my feet to my socks. But even then it's hard to be upset. For one, I kinda like winter. Even this nigh-impervious dump is vulnerable to the beauty of a fresh coating of snow. But perhaps more importantly, it's almost Christmas … the months of crazy overtime are finally abating, and the four day vacation ahead -the longest I've had since August by far- is right around the corner.

I am greeted by a pleasant rush of warmth, and set the mail, an ironic mix of bills and Christmas cards, on the end table as I engage in the process of removing my winter gear. Phil II waits impatiently, mewing her plaintiff welcomes.

Preoccupied with the Christmas cards, I ponder looking forward to the end of the holiday season for all the wrong reasons.

-For the first time in years I am confronted with the possibility of not celebrating Christmas, and not having a good excuse for it this time.