Friday
Thursday
Wednesday
Stainless Steal
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I’m alarmed that Donald Trump, evasively squaring up for a Presidential run, is saying things I like -hell, need to hear!
AMERICA KICKS ASS
(-And we’re tired of taking your shit!)
So sure. Kick the shit out of another country. Then what?
Wait -that’s your plan?
Today's America is suffering from a crippling sense of entitlement. And before all you “Greatest Generation” Baby-Boomer assholes start high-fiving, I would like to point out that in 1968 America was every inch as rife with self-overthrowing sentiment as it was in 1776; but in 1969 -admittedly after a decade of effort- we put a man on the moon, and it’s been pretty smooth sailing ever since.
We.Americans.Did.That.Together.
[LOBO]
I’m alarmed that Donald Trump, evasively squaring up for a Presidential run, is saying things I like -hell, need to hear!
(-And we’re tired of taking your shit!)
Indulging in that logic is almost sinful delight. But if we’re honest with ourselves, other countries didn’t water down our schools and jobs … we did.
So sure. Kick the shit out of another country. Then what?
Wait -that’s your plan?
But what will be this American generation’s ‘Man on the Moon’ moment?
And what happens if we don’t get one?
Tuesday
I Feel My Pain
Predator Press [LOBO]
I don’t know if you people know what an “MRI” is, but I had one today. An MRI is a test where they stick you in a white tube, ask you not to move, and blast you with Pink Floyd noises.
Well apparently holding up your lighter and yelling “Freebird!” counts as moving. The doc conducting the test eventually freaked out, and I won. So I passed the test, right?
-Just to be a mean-spirited asshole, Witchdoctor Quack M.D. further implied I needed a “Blood Panel” too. A “Blood Panel” is when a dark-skinned chick with letters tattooed on her knuckles stabs you in the arm with a rusty icepick until she has gathered three tubes and illegibly scrawls them with black marker. The scrawls are almost certainly cryptographic symbols for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner (but I cannot back that up: the only tube labels I had time to make out said "Date Night" and "Not Cat").
But no. Nonetheless, this Third Trial was where I truly shined: my non-tiger blood came back as A+, clearly demonstrating its intellectual superiority over lesser, stupider bloods -and the same blood type I discovered my wife had the week before I suddenly proposed.
Take that, Charlie Sheen!
Monday
How Complex Cassandra
[LOBO]
It occurs that, without having written in a few months, I might be “out of touch” with The People.
-So I did what anybody does when out of touch with The People: I watched Lifetime Movies to get up to speed.
“Unsolved Mysteries“ scared the shit out of me yesterday, and that was supposed to be my new Predator Press topic. But today Unsolved Mysteries had a whole ’nother episode ... And it turns out there's a brand new one tomorrow!
Fuck all this "Mystery" crap.
-Without me, you people are goddamn lazy.
Sunday
Executive Disorder
[LOBO]
How can you expect me to blog right now when Charlie Sheen has hijacked the entire Predator Press Charter?
”Tiger Blood?” … “Adonis?”
Oh please.
-The funny part is Charlie Sheen thinks Predator Press readers have fallen for the obvious diabolic geniosity we share!
But where will it end, Charlie?
Hm?
Thursday
Wednesday
Internet Swag
Predator Press
My all-time favorite Stewart/Colbert bit:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| I Know What You Did Last Summer of the Shark | ||||
| ||||
Tuesday
Predator Press Interviews: Satan
Predator Press
One may think that finding the Devil would be fraught with challenges. But I found him where everyone else does: on TruTV -right smack in the middle of an episode of ‘Operation Repo.’
LOBO: You’re not foolin anybody Beelzebub. No television show this bad stays on the air without your direct influence.
Satan: Okay. You got me. I’ve been pretty bored since Tim Allen retired.
LOBO: I must say -in regard to the music industry- I’m a huge fan of your work.
Satan: Thank you.
LOBO: Do you really make deals with people for their souls? I mean, like, you could get my band famous?
Satan: You mean 'Vaginal Slide?'
LOBO: Hypothetically of course.
Satan: LOBO I would love to help -but there are just some things that even evil can’t do.
LOBO: Really?
Satan: The triangle player is in an asylum. The entire didgeridoo ensemble hasn’t been heard from since they crossed the Mexican border in 2006. Oh, and the tuba player is dead.
LOBO: You pick now to have a problem with zombies? That tuba player was a prima donna anyway. And yeah, those didgeridoo guys hadd some pretty good chemistry, but that triangle player was a talentless hack. Who plays triangle for Van Halen? Maybe we could audition him.
Satan: LOBO even I am not so evil as to make you a superstar. How about a Wii instead?
LOBO: How many controllers are we talking about? Hypothetically.
Satan: One.
LOBO: One? Really? I think I should get four controllers.
Satan: See, I don’t know. Four? With the economy like it is? And let’s face it: yours isn’t the soul of, say, a Mother Theresa. Heck …. Mother Theresa had WAY more potential of getting that rock star deal than you do.
LOBO: Well I don’t know what people have against evil frankly. I mean what has evil ever done to them?
Satan: LOBO, I’ll give you two controllers, but the second is only because I like you.
LOBO: Do you have a pen?
Satan: You have to sign these contracts in blood.
LOBO: That seems rather barbaric -and unsanitary. How do we do it without getting your squirty blood everywhere? And when is the last time you were tested for HIV-?
Satan: No. I mean your blood.
LOBO: My blood? Hah! Fuck all that. I'm not into that whole 'pain' and 'suffering' thing.
Satan: It only hurts for a second. LOBO, I’m the devil. I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t need to lie to you -I could incinerate you into rumor at the simple whim.
LOBO: Well lah-de-dah. Maybe I don’t want to work for you at all then. I would require an Incineration-Free clause, weekends off, numerous paid vacations, and a hip-looking posse that refers to me as ’Dog.’ And four Wii controllers.
Satan: Two.
LOBO: How about if I throw in occasional weekend work?
Satan: LOBO, Wii controllers cost $20 apiece even at Walmart. Two controllers. Period.
LOBO: Well how about if you sweeten the pot on my end? Let’s say maybe I never have acne again. Or I can fly.
Satan: I can’t make you fly because that would be too obvious. And the reason you have acne because God is punishing you for all that masturbation.
LOBO: Let’s talk about this some other time then. ‘Operation Repo’ is almost over.
Satan: Really? Tanya Harding is coming on! Hubba-hubba.
LOBO: You’re not foolin anybody Beelzebub. No television show this bad stays on the air without your direct influence.
Satan: Okay. You got me. I’ve been pretty bored since Tim Allen retired.
LOBO: I must say -in regard to the music industry- I’m a huge fan of your work.
Satan: Thank you.
LOBO: Do you really make deals with people for their souls? I mean, like, you could get my band famous?
Satan: You mean 'Vaginal Slide?'
LOBO: Hypothetically of course.
Satan: LOBO I would love to help -but there are just some things that even evil can’t do.
LOBO: Really?
Satan: The triangle player is in an asylum. The entire didgeridoo ensemble hasn’t been heard from since they crossed the Mexican border in 2006. Oh, and the tuba player is dead.
Satan: LOBO even I am not so evil as to make you a superstar. How about a Wii instead?
LOBO: How many controllers are we talking about? Hypothetically.
Satan: One.
LOBO: One? Really? I think I should get four controllers.
Satan: See, I don’t know. Four? With the economy like it is? And let’s face it: yours isn’t the soul of, say, a Mother Theresa. Heck …. Mother Theresa had WAY more potential of getting that rock star deal than you do.
LOBO: Well I don’t know what people have against evil frankly. I mean what has evil ever done to them?
Satan: LOBO, I’ll give you two controllers, but the second is only because I like you.
LOBO: Do you have a pen?
Satan: You have to sign these contracts in blood.
Satan: No. I mean your blood.
LOBO: My blood? Hah! Fuck all that. I'm not into that whole 'pain' and 'suffering' thing.
Satan: It only hurts for a second. LOBO, I’m the devil. I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t need to lie to you -I could incinerate you into rumor at the simple whim.
LOBO: Well lah-de-dah. Maybe I don’t want to work for you at all then. I would require an Incineration-Free clause, weekends off, numerous paid vacations, and a hip-looking posse that refers to me as ’Dog.’ And four Wii controllers.
Satan: Two.
Satan: LOBO, Wii controllers cost $20 apiece even at Walmart. Two controllers. Period.
Satan: I can’t make you fly because that would be too obvious. And the reason you have acne because God is punishing you for all that masturbation.
LOBO: Let’s talk about this some other time then. ‘Operation Repo’ is almost over.
Satan: Really? Tanya Harding is coming on! Hubba-hubba.
Monday
Predator Press Unveils ‘LieMaster’ Just in Time for Belated Christmas Gift Rush
[LOBO]
-Just put this between your lips, and tell a good solid with every contraction:
- “But honey -if I go to church with you guys, how will the lawn get done?”
[rep]
- “I tried to do the lawn. But there was a … fire!”
[rep]
- “Our insurance already replaced everything with exact replicas.”
[rep]
- “Heck yeah that’s a miracle. It’s a good thing I was here instead of church ... you know, handling the crisis. Maybe Jesus is trying to tell me I should stay home on Sundays. I mean why else would that be when all the good NFL games are on?”
[rep]
- “I know football season is over. But the Vikings are looking for a new QB. I should stay by the phone in case I am needed.”
[rep]
- "Two words: Brett Favre."
[rep]
- “Lawns shouldn’t look too manicured you know. A distressed and weathered look is very chic nowadays.”
[rep]
- “I’m sure the birdbath is still out there. Somewhere. Look, I was right about the shed. Why wouldn‘t I be right about the birdbath?”
[rep]
- “I don't have to sit here and listen to all this accusation and innuendo. Just look how clean all those damn birds are.”
[rep]
- “I know where we could borrow some hungry cows and giraffes.”
[rep]
- “Seriously. The landlord recommended I tear out the lawn and replace it with green linoleum. That way I can efficiently hose off all my used lottery tickets in, like, 5 minutes.”
[rep]
- “There might be an endangered species in there. Do you want Mother Nature‘s blood on your hands? Do you?”
*Warning: LieMaster cause unwanted nose growth.
If ingested, induce vomiting immediately.
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