Predator Press Commemorates Global Dig Dug Day

Predator Press

[LOBO and guest Beau Horner]

Oh sure we celebrate firemen and police or whatever. But how often do these so-called "heroes" go toe-to-toe with fire breathing dragons and deadly balloon-like creatures sporting Oakleys?

Most people think that "The Dug's" contribution to Humankind is limited to gardening safety. But let me tell you pal Indiana Jones has nothing on this guy! Read The Nothing Report author Beau Horner's harrowing account of the unearthing of Cleopatra's tomb:

"Cleopatra, better known as 'Patty,' was discovered frozen in time in the infamous 'walk like an Egyptian' pose, underneath several layers of strata....apparently they're color coded now. The only person capable of traveling this far down into the earth was David Duchovny, A.K.A Dig Dug. All of his crew unfortunately was wearing over-sized goggles in the hopes of bringing some laughs to the party."

-The fact that Dig Dug heralds employment for David Duchovny alone gives one a brief glimpse into the staggering influence Double-D has in our everyday lives.

But what would a world without this unsung hero actually look like? The Moon -once a lush tropical environment and a candidate for filming "Lost" episodes- is now a barren rock unsuitable even for people from Los Angeles.

A tearful Duchovny recalls the events in chilling detail: "It was a war that couldn't be won. In that gravity instead of crushing the monsters the rocks would just bounce off -dammit they would just bounce off! Have you ever heard a Fygar laugh? It's terrifying. Hold me."

So here's to you, David "Dig Dug" Duchovny.

-May you live a long, full life fighting evil down there.


(Clicking the Lego icons immediately left and right will bring you to different amusing Dig Dug YouTube spoofs.)

Veal Genius

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Moments after the Egyptian mandate to slaughter all pigs within their borders in an effort to stem the outbreak of Swine Flu, The Predator Press Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Weirdoes faxed the following to PETA president Ingrid Newkirk:





-This is gonna be awesome.

Pentagon OKs "Cap 'n Crunchboarding"

Predator Press

[LOBO]

If you thought those things cut the roof of your mouth, imagine them stabbing into your Frontal lobe!

[*shiver*]

How To Prepare For The End

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The first problem with the Swine Flu is the name itself. Blech! Who names these things anyway? Would it have been so bad to name it something more palatable like the "Fuzzy-Bunny" flu?

To test this theory, I called my mom and told her I had a bad case of Fuzzy Bunnies. She thought it was wonderful, and requested I save her one.

But because this disease can kill you, the cutesy name theorem is imperfect: "Fuzzy Bunny" entered on your Death Certificate as 'Cause of Death' can have an extremely negative effect on your street cred; once the illness turns lethal, we're going to want to call it something more dangerous sounding.

Currently I’m leaning toward "Thor’s Bitchslap."

-Now that sounds like a pretty cool way to die.

That being said, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is according to numerous highly-scientific simulations I’ve conducted on the Flash game Pandemic II, I figure you all have maybe eight days left before the virulent "wonderful" outbreak of Fuzzy-Bunny devolves fully into the subsequent -and inevitably fatal- onset of Thor’s Bitchslap.

But the good news is with proper precautions there’s still hope for all of you not transmitting this disease to me. The Predator Press Center For Disease Control has issued the following recommendations:

1) Boil yourself at a minimum temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit prior to contact in a one half bleach, one half Lysol and one half holy water solution.

2) Burn all your germ infested property (unless you think I might want it). Use careful discretion here ... I don’t want pictures of your kids and whatever. Please limit this salvage to luxury cars, high-end electronics and precious metals.

3) Be tidy. Without remaining hosts to be transmitted to, most pandemics will burn themselves out in a few months: the only thing worse than me wandering around mid-July roasting in a hazmat suit would be doing so knee-deep in a bunch of stinky skeletons. Please have some consideration. Cremation also 100% eliminates the possibility of you returning as zombies.

In conclusion, you all being dead will be a terrible thing for me to endure: I thank you in advance for easing my painful experience through your efforts.

Arlen Specter Defects to Left!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Having recently become hotly critical if the Republican Party myself, I’m not particularly shocked that after a lifetime of right-wing policies Arlen Spector has abandoned that bunch of assholes once Predator Press demanded it.

-But didn’t this bastard kill Barbarella?

I don’t know. While impressive, killing the herione credited with rescuing Doctor Durand Durand from the planet SoGo seems to me to be an indellible black mark on your record no matter which side of the political fence you’re on.

But you gotta give it up for that hair.

Seriously.

Tomb of Cleopatra Discovered!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I'm laughing at this idea too hard to actually write it.

-The best suitable story for this entered in "comments" will be republished with full credit to the guest writer.

:)

Richard Marks

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Mister Cheney, after 33 waterboardings I doubt Zubaydah is going to tell us anything at all. I recommend halting this procedure due to it's ineffectiveness.

-Also, Starbucks discontinued "Blended Lemonade" earlier this year.

Would you like to order something else?

Finally!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m so jazzed. According to CNN, my all-time favorite filmaker Spike Lee is introducing two new films at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival!

I wonder what they will be about.

I've Already Repented, So God And I Are Cool On This

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I’m a news junkie I guess. While surfing, I’ll have my television running CNN or MSNBC or whatever in the background, and news ticker widgets a go-go feeding me “headlines.”

And I would like to think the only reason I even heard Miss California Carrie Prejean’s remarks on same-sex marriage is because it’s kind of a “local story.”

But here I am.

In short, during the course of the Miss USA pageant she was asked her opinion and –oops- she gave it.

While I didn’t agree with her, it wasn’t some frothing hostile rant. Frankly, considering the -ahem- "forum," it was well-articulated. It was the kind of thing you might hear and shrug, “Well, I don’t think anyone is going to be changing her mind on it soon,” and that would be that.

Also worth mentioning perhaps is that I don’t have any particular stake in her opinions, and maybe that makes me a little less sensitive than I should be: my evolving a profound social view based on a teenage beauty queen’s insights is about as unlikely as me becoming gay myself (and based on this logic, were I ever to attempt watching a Miss USA Pageant I doubt I would even have the volume up).

But while disagreeing with what she said, I think -eh- editorials like Perez Hilton's aren't warranted. (-And wow has Hilton let herself go since "The Simple Life." Woof!) Still, the subsequent national freak out does intrigue me: it would appear this issue won't be back-burnered for much longer.

People are getting pissed.

So why do people oppose same sex marriage? Is it homophobia? What exactly are these so-called “straight” people so afraid of? Do they think well-catered Oscars parties will just spontaneously explode in their newly redecorated living rooms?

You have to look at the religious aspect with some skepticism too. Look if blowing up busloads of people because your mystical boogeyman doesn’t like their mystical boogeyman sounds rational, maybe that's your bag. Go crazy. Knock yourself out. If you can't find a dead chicken to wave over your television, I'm sure a can of Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle will do.

But why should the Government care what sex you are? -Especially one so deeply ensconced in nifty buzzwords like “Freedom”?

I wouldn't be so blunt, but the Religious Right treats these people like livestock: we should take the gender questions off of marriage licenses so the churches can go fight their own battles. Let's give the issue back to the people maintaining “Liberty” from of one side of their mouths and supporting persecution from the other.

-This isn't my problem, Miss Prejean.

It's yours.

Ghost of a Chance

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Okay. Maybe calling in The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS) on my first day as Director of Psychiatry wasn’t such a good idea. But how often am I going to have full access to an asylum? You’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t take some chances every now and then.

-Besides if the place is haunted, those poor crazy people have a right to know.

When All Else Fails

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“I told you to stop applying for psychiatrist jobs!” says Terri, scowling into my CareerBuilder account.

“It’s not just any psychiatrist job.” I explain. “It’s Director of Psychiatry. I would run, like, a fleet of psychiatrists. Those cats make like $250,000 a year.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“How hard could it be?” I shrug. “I carry around a clipboard, and make all the patients in my asylum smoke cannabis while listening to old Beatles records. Hell people will be trying to break in.”

“You’re not qualified!”

“I get my second interview tomorrow.”

“Really?”