Friday

Mayday

Predator Press

When Security Officer Rand took the job on the small mining facility four years ago, there were bad omens everywhere.

On the first day, the Chief of Operations gave him a tour of the facility. "Sometimes," says Doctor Richard Kief in a well-rehearsed, blasé tone. "We have accidents." Throwing the switch, the ore smelter screeched closed and a high-pitched alarm sounded. "It costs this facility $150,000 a minute to close these filters, because it stops production." Kief sort of spoke into the air around him, almost unaware of Rand. "I love to do that," he added.

As the searing liquid ore started to settle, the fluid became increasingly transparent. "Still," says Kief, "in the event of on ongoing Missing Person Investigation, it's company policy to look here."

Chills ran through Rand's spine, as he quietly imagined what he might see in there: the cloudy shadows of bobbing human remains.

Seeming to have read Rand's mind, Kief continues. "Depending on what cycle the smelting is, you're not going to see much left. Especially if it's been more than an hour or so. Probably just their gear if you're lucky." Kief stared into the glowing fluid.

"We have accidents," he repeated absently.



***


Four years later, Rand wiped the condensation from the cracked porthole with his thick glove, smearing it cloudy with blood. Seeing the station's wobbly, random trajectory and the floating debris of the station never failed to trigger a sense of vertigo.

He pressed the yellow button again. "SOS," he repeated. "This is acting Chief of Security Steven Rand of mining facility 77. We have been attacked."

The sound of his voice betrayed his fading hopes of rescue.

"I believe I am the sole survivor," he added. "Mayday."

Rand was starting to succumb to hypothermia. He wasn't shivering very much anymore. And he was getting sleepy. It was a mistake to sit at the console. Fatigue overtook him, and he pulled the blankets closer; this was almost a futile gesture as they no longer retained any heat.

"Mayday," he repeated, drifting off into slumber.

The sleep was not restful, as his mind churned the horrors over and over. Rand's mother called these things "Devil Marks"; the indelible mental leftovers of having witnessed a traumatic event.

There was no warning of the attack, save the moment when Kief blew his brains out with a .45 caliber pistol in this very chair. The attack came so suddenly afterward, the splatters were still all over the cockpit.

As for the attack itself, it was very surgical and precise; most of the station remained largely intact. It still held oxygen and it's internal pressure. But the inertial dampeners were destroyed, and the station could no longer keep it's "spin", and as a result there was no artificial gravity.

But the real danger was the hopelessly damaged temperature regulators; as the relentless cold of space overtook the failing heat in the vessel, any survivors --such as Rand-would be dead in a matter of hours.

They could just wait him out.

Tiredly, Rand woke again. He didn't know how long he had been out this time. Weakly, he rubbed his glove against the glass one more time, but the condensation and blood had frozen solidly.

As he leaned in closely in an attempt to peer through the opaque window, Kief's frozen blood cracked and snapped as is separated from Rand's suit and the chair.

Rand saw nothing.

Even the debris was gone.

He pressed the yellow button.

"Mayday," he slurred, before drifting into sleep one last time.

Wednesday

"Wicked" Cancels Iran Tour After College Speech

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Citing ticket sales that slumped faster than the bullet-riddled local fans, all scheduled productions of Wicked in Iran have been cancelled until Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "gets a full-body Brazilian Wax, and stops dressing like he's on Miami Vice."

Fans interviewed all over the world put down their frilly blue drinks and spoke out in a similarly unified determination. "If 20 more years of 'Cats' doesn't topple that scrubby little regime, nothing will."

Tuesday

Techno, Safari and Pasties Oh My

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When I heard about that missing stripper pole, I immediately recognized the larger potential ramifications.

Ethan bought Nipples Italy based on his keen scientific business insights and a predatory understanding of how much a guy will pay to see a naked woman: if those industrial guys at Zayne had no place to spend all their money, they might sober up, get married, raise families, and start acting responsibly; this would ultimately mean we would have to either pay them more, or shitcan the entire lot of them and find a bunch of other guys that'll do that work real cheap.

I don't know about you, but I'm not prepared to see the entire vital workforce of Pianosa unemployed and possibly assassinated in order to protect our trade secrets (as explicitly described in the excruciatingly small print of their contracts). Plus this might start a chain reaction that could shut down the entire nation, and a complete economic collapse of possibly dozens of other economic global juggernauts and superpowers.

I'll bet having strippers with no poles isn't even OSHA compliant.

I couldn't sleep at night knowing a tawny young Tiffany is somewhere baring her first public pelvic thrusts to a bunch of drunken assholes, and throwing her leg in the air during a pirouette to find no pole to support her balance! Boom! There lies little Tiffany with a twisted ankle and deployed airbags. And as 'lil Tiffany busts into uncontrollable flames, her hard-earned college money and diuretic suppositories scatter slowly through the air like so many flammable negligent little leaves ...

… You people have no idea what I go through in order to save the Universe.

Monday

$50 CASH MONEY REWARD


Predator Press


HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POLE?

On average, 12 Nipples Italy girls are bruised in dancing accidents every day due to the theft of this pole. You can help them.

* Last seen August 23rd at Nipples Italy
* Color: Brass
* Height: 8'
* Frequently surrounded by thongs, singles * Might be sticky
* Probably tastes salty
* No questions asked


ANYONE WITH INFORMATION SHOULD
CONTACT LOBO IMMEDIATELY

Okay, Who Pissed Off the Space Guys?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"What happened?" I says.

"I don't know," says Mr Insanity, removing his oxygen mask. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that."

"I always wear Spandex during intergalactic conflicts. You know that."

"Well it's disgusting. Shouldn't you at least work out for a while first?"

"I'm far too busy and important to indulge in luxuries like exercise."

Mr Insanity winced as he sat up in the hospital bed. "Well that's pretty damned obvious." He shrugged painfully. "I don't really know how else to explain it. I was dropping off Sapphire for her shift at Nipples Italy. We pull into the parking lot, and suddenly it gets dark. I mean like almost night time dark; the temperature even dropped a few degrees. We look up, and there's a giant spaceship blocking out the entire sky. Hundreds of smaller fast-moving metallic objects start zipping around, shooting everything." He swings his legs weakly over the side, and attempts to stand. "You know what I think?"

"You think it's Lindsay Lohan too?"

"No dumbass. I think someone pissed off RDO."

"Oh come on," I says. "RDO is a pussycat. This whole thing smacks of Lohan."

"Well, those ... machines blasted their way into the club, tore out the stripper pole, and kidnapped Sapphire."

"Those assholes took the stripper pole?"

Sunday

Predator Press Reviews: Blue Harvest


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Far, far and away the best Star Wars spoof ever.

-Set your DVR for "fun."

(God ... That pun was worse than "The Phantom Menace." I'm removing myself from my own link list ...)

Tales of Flesh and Steel


Predator Press

When Jimmy Orlando smashed into Templeton at 220 miles per hour, he was unaware of the tiny robot fly entirely; for all he knew, the sports car just violently exploded and died for no apparent reason.

Pressed for time, this is how Jimmy came to stealing LOBO's precious Chick Magnet and his beloved pet Phil.


***


Templton's damage was severe. He had pierced the radiator, the engine block, and finally lodged in the exhaust system of the doomed vehicle. And for almost a month, he lie there dormant and undetected.

The car was eventually crushed into a cube, the steel melted to be recycled. But as Templeton drifted lifelessly in the smelting ore, a back-up system of self-repair programming activated; one by one, Templeton's sophisticated sensor systems blinked and popped back into operation.

The process was slow and excruciating; dramatic repairs as such would typically require he be towed into a tiny hanger to be completely disassembled by busy miniscule emergency robot triage crews ... a process that would normally take several days if done properly.

But Templeton was on his own.

Fortunately -while not quite the futuristic super-alloys from which Templeton was forged- in a fluke of Cosmic Fortune, the alloys being created were some of the finest and advanced high-test durable lightweight steel ever seen on Earth.

It was being forged into stripper poles.

... And in an even more improbable fluke of Cosmic Fortune, this stripper pole was destined for a strip club called Nipples Italy.


***


"Sir," says the First Lieutenant. "I really think you should take a look at this."

"What is it now Eric?" says RDO into the comlink. "I'm not in the mood for any more of your YouTube crap."

"No sir," says Eric. "We are starting to receive some sketchy transmissions from Templeton."

RDO scowled. "Are you sure? We haven't heard from Templeton in months."

"It's definitely him sir, Eric insists. "And I think he's found Sapphire."

"Sapphire?" smiled RDO. "My, my, my. It's been years since we've heard from her! Are Sapphire and LOBO currently enjoying the rest of their blissful existence together as planned?"

"Uh," says Eric. "Sir, I really think you should come up here and see this."

Saturday

Animals Are Dumb

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"But I specifically told Thumper not to
make Predator Press his homepage!"

Census Reveals More Horses Asses Than Horses

Predator Press

[LOBO]

President George W. Bush prepares to mysteriously withdraw
a quarter from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki's ear.

Landmark 'Halliburton v. Blackwater' Suit Filed

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"As you can see by my charts and graphs, Blackwater
currently holds the marketing edge due to disproportionate
liberties only enjoyed by MicroSoft and Pepsi."

Hindsight is 50/50

Predator Press

[LOBO]

You know, when we were nominated "Worst Blog of All Time", we figured we were pretty safe.

I mean, maybe we couldn't hold onto #1 forever, but we might drift into the 'Top Ten' from time to time and give 'ole www.virusspammingchickswithdicks.com a decent run for their sticky money.