Pokey

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It has come to my attention that websites like "Stuff and Stuff and Stuff" are currently fundraising for Babs' bail money.

I've linked all of them in the Site Guide --right under “Petit Mal”-- just so you know that you don't have to go there; I'm bound to come up with that $60 by simple virtue of this huge stack of scratch-off lottery tickets.

These lottery tickets --coupled with about 40,000 of your generous pennies so's I can scratch 'em off-- means I have everything well-in-hand.

... And Babs always wanted to hang with Paris Hilton ... !

Focus

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So I’m worried that Babs is still in jail, and standing in line behind these two guys trying to get into this classy restaurant. One of them is wearing an “I FARM YOU EAT” sweatshirt.

And I’m thinking a guy with that shirt could pull down chicks like crazy.

I mean think about it; a guy that fondles cows knows how to keep his hands warm, right?

... But enough about promiscuous, deviant cows! I have Babs to get out of jail, and $60 worth of inventive bail money to come up with.

I must focus.


***

Now, I’m a vegan.

But for purposes of keeping an eye on this sick 'farming' monster, I eat a big rib-eye steak, baked Alaska, fried mushrooms, pork chops, potato skins, truffles, and drink a diet Pepsi.

--all the while focusing like a laserbeam on how to get Babs out of jail.

Still, I wish this weirdo would leave those poor cows alone.

That sick bastard fits the profile of a ‘Bovine Enabler’ precisely.

Ads We Need to See

Predator Press

[LOBO]

DIAMONDS
"If you're going to smack the bitch around,
give her parents something to think over."

Spring Hopes Eternal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I venomously hate my lawn.

It's always arrogantly growing, like "Look LOBO, I'm a big green jerk and I'm screwing up your weekend 'cuz now you gotta mow! HAHAHAHA"

I want my lawn dead.

Every last blade.

I want a goddamn chloroform Holocaust.

I'll mow one last @#$!@$!! time, and leave the remains all scattered about as a warning to the other grass thinking about growing here.

Then I can lay down green linoleum, and just hose it off once a month ...

TORNADO PROVEN TO BE FAJITA LEVEL 5

Predator Press

Predator Press Copy Editor fired as FEMA deploys sour
cream, salsa, dice, and 'Monster Manual'

I, Calculatron

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The reason I failed the exam for my blogger license is ‘cuz they ask trick questions.

They ask you stuff like:

2 + 2 = ?

I mean come on!

It could just be two couples hanging out, right? I mean that’s open to a lot of interpretation. Now a question like:

2 X 2 = ?

-That’s obviously a 'fourgy'!

When Dreams Go All Frappe

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, Rupert Murdoch’s check never materialized.

--Honestly, I don’t know why people do business with guys like that.

Worse, I got like ten calls from Babs asking me why I haven’t bailed her out of prison yet.

It’s not like I forgot, it’s just that that sixty bucks was supposed to come out of Rupert’s 3 billion.

After a couple of days, I realized Rupert was stiffing me, and then I guess I just got a little embarrassed.

God I wish she would stop calling.

Cashing In

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I didn't expect to be at work today, but Rupert Murdoch's 3 billion dollar check is apparently delayed.

I don't know what the number '3 billion' even looks like, but I imagine the check to be very, very long; it's probably in a very, very long envelope and jamming some machine at the post office.

So I gotta go to work today.

Phooey.


***

I find myself daydreaming about 3 billion dollars. Dammit, that's a lot of scratch-off lottery tickets I'll bet. And my hand would get all cramped up after a while, and then I would have to hire someone to help me. But I'll have to hire someone to do my hiring first -I hate job interviews. And I'll bet the jerk steals my lucky scratching quarter, and I have to call the cops on him. And then the lawyers have my 3 billion dollars.

I don't like this plan anymore.

And who is going to shuffle up Jimmy Orlando's paperwork when I retire with 3 billion dollars?


***

With 3 billion dollars, I could travel.

I could go clear to Portland Oregon if I wanted. Hell, with 3 billion dollars, I could have Portland Oregon brought to me.

Where the hell am I going to put Portland Oregon?

Rupert, did you make the check out for 'cash'? The bank always gives me shit because the only ID I got is a library card that expired in 1999. But I'll bet they change their tune when they see that check! They'll all be like "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," hoping I will buy them stuff.

And buy stuff I shall! With 3 billion dollars, I could go to the Dollar Store, and buy presents for, ah ... well ... a lot of people!

Rupert, I hope you sent it certified.

Rupert?

Dear Rupert Murdoch

Predator Press

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

It has been recently brought to our attention that you have placed a 6 billion dollar bid on The Wall Street Journal.

The Wall Street Journal is an infinitely boring publication that no one reads. Jeez, it barely even has any pictures!

We’ll sell you Predator Press for half.

Can't We All Just Fight Like Hell?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

First, my house burns down.

Then I have a hard time convincing Babs, her Parole Officer, and the insurance company that my cat accidentally caused the fire thwarting an alien invasion by a technologically advanced mechanical reconnaissance fly.

Today I found out my blogger license has been revoked because I flunked the annual exam.

That, frankly, is just plain silly: there's no freakin way I flunked that test.

--I cheated off of the smartest people there!

Sunshine of My Love

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Are you okay?" I says to Babs.

Babs grabs the bars. "LOBO, I didn't do it. I didn't blow up our potential home because you screwed me out of $250,000,000. I swear to God."

"Uh huh," I says. "I suppose you expect me to believe the cat did it."

"The cat knows where the insurance papers are better'n you do!"

I pause. "Okay, I'm on it."