Predator Press
[LOBO]
I swear to God, I can't tell you how much I hate what they've done to Blogger ... On a tight schedule, I just lost two hours worth of work because of their defective "Word Verication" software --I even backed the page up both times to see if the mistake was mine!
I would so love to freeze every last one of them in liquid nitrogen, and slowly chip little pieces off until I was knee deep in gory slush ...
Monday
The Truth About Goats
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I use really stringent email filters.
So every once in a while I have to check the “junk” mailbox, just in case any of you rabid and screaming fans are leaving more steamy love letters and/or death threats.
“Spammers”, as they are called by you techno-geeks, are getting more clever all the time, weaving their schemes in a ‘hot stock tip’, or ‘Flandsa Ha’asasanba needs your help to smuggle $80 billion dollars out of Wangswaba’ or ‘enlarge you penis’ ads.
You know, news you can use.
Today, I was shocked to find one that said, “Give Poor Farmers a Fighting Chance.”
Farmers?
Fuck the farmers!
Look, I don’t know about you, but I get my food straight from the grocery store. What Liberal conspiracy is even keeping these guys around anymore? I know for a fact by watching lots of television that farmers don’t do shit except for breed 'goats' (frankly, the ugliest and least-domesticatable strain of dog I've ever seen), obstruct much-needed superhighways and airports over greedily-oversized real estate claims, and occasionally provide a vehicle for another critically acclaimed Pauly Shore movie.
You know, if those hippies stopped soliciting hand-outs via these emails all blitzed on hemp and got a real job, I’ll bet their luck would change real fast. How about getting off of your lazy asses and maybe helping out poor Flandsa Ha’asasanba, you selfish jerks?
This country is completely going to shit.
[LOBO]
I use really stringent email filters.
So every once in a while I have to check the “junk” mailbox, just in case any of you rabid and screaming fans are leaving more steamy love letters and/or death threats.
“Spammers”, as they are called by you techno-geeks, are getting more clever all the time, weaving their schemes in a ‘hot stock tip’, or ‘Flandsa Ha’asasanba needs your help to smuggle $80 billion dollars out of Wangswaba’ or ‘enlarge you penis’ ads.
You know, news you can use.
Today, I was shocked to find one that said, “Give Poor Farmers a Fighting Chance.”
Farmers?
Fuck the farmers!
Look, I don’t know about you, but I get my food straight from the grocery store. What Liberal conspiracy is even keeping these guys around anymore? I know for a fact by watching lots of television that farmers don’t do shit except for breed 'goats' (frankly, the ugliest and least-domesticatable strain of dog I've ever seen), obstruct much-needed superhighways and airports over greedily-oversized real estate claims, and occasionally provide a vehicle for another critically acclaimed Pauly Shore movie.
You know, if those hippies stopped soliciting hand-outs via these emails all blitzed on hemp and got a real job, I’ll bet their luck would change real fast. How about getting off of your lazy asses and maybe helping out poor Flandsa Ha’asasanba, you selfish jerks?
This country is completely going to shit.
Sunday
PEACE ACCORD ACHIEVED
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, thanks to extensive LOBOnian Diplomacy, over the span of a single weekend the long-sought-after Peace between the volatile Fort Waynians and the warlike Sanduskanites has been achieved.
God, to look at them you never think the potentially-Apocalyptic conflict even occurred!
As Prime Minister of LOBOnia, I would just like to say no thanks or Nobel Peace Prizes are necessary; we only wanted to intervene before more needless bloodshed.
… but didn't Yasser Arafat get, like, 9 billion dollars for this sort of thing?
[LOBO]
Well, thanks to extensive LOBOnian Diplomacy, over the span of a single weekend the long-sought-after Peace between the volatile Fort Waynians and the warlike Sanduskanites has been achieved.
God, to look at them you never think the potentially-Apocalyptic conflict even occurred!
As Prime Minister of LOBOnia, I would just like to say no thanks or Nobel Peace Prizes are necessary; we only wanted to intervene before more needless bloodshed.
… but didn't Yasser Arafat get, like, 9 billion dollars for this sort of thing?
See Ethan? We Can Do Politics Too!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Alas, fair Fort Wayne, Indiana; there is treachery afoot!
Even as you sleep, Sansduky, Ohio is spreading disinformation about you and beloved LOBOnia in a vain effort to divide our peoples by eroding our long-standing diplomatic ties for an inevitable attack.
I trust, by your name, that you indeed have a "fort", and hopefully it is of the good sturdy treehouse variety; we have intercepted 'chatter' sent to us that contains invasion plans, as well as a string of malicious obscenities about your mommas so vile I dare not print them here.
As you ready your war machines to avenge this slander, you may take solace in that all peace efforts have already been exhausted without heed: the Sanduskians, a warlike and expansionist community just seething with cooties, would have no part in any of the numerous LOBOnian efforts to achieve a diplomatic resolution.
The hearts, minds and prayers of the LOBOnain people go with you into the doubtlessly bloody carnage that they have wrought upon us all.
Woe to thee, o Sandusky! Why have you demanded the righteous, indignant wrath of two staunchly unified and powerful allies upon yourselves?
(God, this is fun. I feel just like Ronald Reagan!)
[LOBO]
Alas, fair Fort Wayne, Indiana; there is treachery afoot!
Even as you sleep, Sansduky, Ohio is spreading disinformation about you and beloved LOBOnia in a vain effort to divide our peoples by eroding our long-standing diplomatic ties for an inevitable attack.
I trust, by your name, that you indeed have a "fort", and hopefully it is of the good sturdy treehouse variety; we have intercepted 'chatter' sent to us that contains invasion plans, as well as a string of malicious obscenities about your mommas so vile I dare not print them here.
As you ready your war machines to avenge this slander, you may take solace in that all peace efforts have already been exhausted without heed: the Sanduskians, a warlike and expansionist community just seething with cooties, would have no part in any of the numerous LOBOnian efforts to achieve a diplomatic resolution.
The hearts, minds and prayers of the LOBOnain people go with you into the doubtlessly bloody carnage that they have wrought upon us all.
Woe to thee, o Sandusky! Why have you demanded the righteous, indignant wrath of two staunchly unified and powerful allies upon yourselves?
(God, this is fun. I feel just like Ronald Reagan!)
Saturday
Armada
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Oh, noble Sandusky, Ohio, I too was shocked at the news that you had been maligned, and maligned under the guise of LOBOnian Diplomacy!
But as you can see via satellite photos, we have not even air support; our entire Naval Armada lies dry and askew scattered across my bathtub! Surely we could not have wanted to provoke a conflict with a power as great, merciful, and as capable of enjoying some good-natured ribbing such as yours.
Our Intel suggests the true source of those slanderous allegations to be Fort Wayne, Indiana. Those jerks have been talking shit about you for years, and their Japanese cohorts are making fun of your penis size!
Once I fill the bathtub with that "Safety Fluid", the LOBOnian Navy will be reactivated and fully operational again, ready to deliver swift and lethal payback to Fort Wayne, Indiana --thusly thwarting the evil Japanese plot for autocracy. I'll even throw in six 'GI Joes', a shark, and a giant rubber duck!
Don't laugh at the duck, dude. He may have a cute smile, but he's got 4 settings:
1) LOW,
2) MEDIUM,
3) NAPALM, FILLET, AND DESTROY WITH NUCLEAR AND BIOLOGICAL PREJUDICE WHEN NECESSARY, and
4) HIGH.
Nodody fucks with The Duck, pal.
[LOBO]
Oh, noble Sandusky, Ohio, I too was shocked at the news that you had been maligned, and maligned under the guise of LOBOnian Diplomacy!
But as you can see via satellite photos, we have not even air support; our entire Naval Armada lies dry and askew scattered across my bathtub! Surely we could not have wanted to provoke a conflict with a power as great, merciful, and as capable of enjoying some good-natured ribbing such as yours.
Our Intel suggests the true source of those slanderous allegations to be Fort Wayne, Indiana. Those jerks have been talking shit about you for years, and their Japanese cohorts are making fun of your penis size!
Once I fill the bathtub with that "Safety Fluid", the LOBOnian Navy will be reactivated and fully operational again, ready to deliver swift and lethal payback to Fort Wayne, Indiana --thusly thwarting the evil Japanese plot for autocracy. I'll even throw in six 'GI Joes', a shark, and a giant rubber duck!
Don't laugh at the duck, dude. He may have a cute smile, but he's got 4 settings:
1) LOW,
2) MEDIUM,
3) NAPALM, FILLET, AND DESTROY WITH NUCLEAR AND BIOLOGICAL PREJUDICE WHEN NECESSARY, and
4) HIGH.
Nodody fucks with The Duck, pal.
WWID
Predator Press
[LOBO]
While torching this hideous PC seemed rather innocuous and necessary at first, I failed to recognize the intrinsic flammable properties that an office full of paper airplanes might indeed possess; in the moments before the sprinkler kicked on, I witnessed the horror of the entire LOBOnian Air Force rendered to ineffective ash.
It was like Pearl Harbor all over again ... 'cept worse, because this happened to me.
Lousy Slants!
Of the entire elite cadre of my finest and deadliest engineering marvels, the only craft that survived was the badly charred T-14 Super-Sonic Stealth Death Bomber Plus II. And during the preliminary test flight to assess the damage, she arched straight to the ground with a soggy and ungraceful splat; her ruptured frame failed to keep the munitions from detonating, and she too joined the ranks of the staggering, catastrophic loss.
On this historic day, March 24, 2007 --even as Sandusky, Ohio is receiving a noterized LOBOnian Declaration of War that states flatly that their entire city has cooties, and lays out in detail my brazen demand for it's unconditional surrender-- the LOBOnian air defenses have been wholly and utterly wiped out.
Military might decimated, we are forced to recruit.
We're looking for a few good men.
... and a lot of really bad girls.
[LOBO]
While torching this hideous PC seemed rather innocuous and necessary at first, I failed to recognize the intrinsic flammable properties that an office full of paper airplanes might indeed possess; in the moments before the sprinkler kicked on, I witnessed the horror of the entire LOBOnian Air Force rendered to ineffective ash.
It was like Pearl Harbor all over again ... 'cept worse, because this happened to me.
Lousy Slants!
Of the entire elite cadre of my finest and deadliest engineering marvels, the only craft that survived was the badly charred T-14 Super-Sonic Stealth Death Bomber Plus II. And during the preliminary test flight to assess the damage, she arched straight to the ground with a soggy and ungraceful splat; her ruptured frame failed to keep the munitions from detonating, and she too joined the ranks of the staggering, catastrophic loss.
On this historic day, March 24, 2007 --even as Sandusky, Ohio is receiving a noterized LOBOnian Declaration of War that states flatly that their entire city has cooties, and lays out in detail my brazen demand for it's unconditional surrender-- the LOBOnian air defenses have been wholly and utterly wiped out.
Military might decimated, we are forced to recruit.
We're looking for a few good men.
... and a lot of really bad girls.
Friday
Errata
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Ethan,
I'm due for a computer upgrade.
I hate this "off-white" CPU color ... it clashes badly with the interior of my office. Don't they make 'Dells' with maybe an imported walnut finish? Corinthian leather keyboards? Cup holders?
You don't want important corporate visitors thinking we're unsophisticated barbarians back here, do you?
Cripes, now this thing reeks of gasoline too!
In any case, we should take this one back to Microsoft and demand a full refund, as well as a personal apology from Bill Gates.
And a car.
[LOBO]
Ethan,
I'm due for a computer upgrade.
I hate this "off-white" CPU color ... it clashes badly with the interior of my office. Don't they make 'Dells' with maybe an imported walnut finish? Corinthian leather keyboards? Cup holders?
You don't want important corporate visitors thinking we're unsophisticated barbarians back here, do you?
Cripes, now this thing reeks of gasoline too!
In any case, we should take this one back to Microsoft and demand a full refund, as well as a personal apology from Bill Gates.
And a car.
Thursday
A Body Apolitique
Predator Press
[LOBO]
In a world of politically polarized blogs, my lack of "affiliation" drives Ethan totally bats.
The truth is, I've known some pretty fine people -and some rather spectacular train wrecks-- from both ends of the spectrum; my personal experience has taught me that a person's political and religious beliefs are rarely a reliable moral barometer. In fact, I find extreme levels of involvement bear out to the contrary; it often seems the more a person talks about what they believe, the less they behave in the manner of their chosen endorsement.
I've tried "staying on top" via various media, but the political charge always seems to bring out the worst in people; everybody is so busy distilling the information and calling everyone else liars, provocateurs and thieves, I couldn't tell you a good, reliable and objective news source were there a gun pointed at my head.
–besides Predator Press, of course.
Look, it's not complicated; either you want to defend, elevate and improve your own circumstances, or you want to improve, elevate or defend the environment of the circumstances and the collective whole, uh, thereby indirectly improving your own circumstances.
Hm.
Well, far be it from me to get in your ardent and virtuous way; hell, you screwballs are already so choked of fantastic conspiracy theories, finger-pointing and wild accusations, there isn't enough room for Predator Press to contribute!
Ultimately, this results in more leisure time for me; I'll step aside and let you make the comedy. Give kids 9mms in schools in an effort to understand the Metric System, and then automatic weapons while guarding the home in case of massive and well-coordinated quail or deer uprisings. Change the word "Prison" in the dictionary to "Low-Income Housing", "Starving" to "Sheik and Slender", and "Homeless" to "Independent Dwelling". Wreck the planet --and pay an oil man $3 a gallon of gas to do it! Bomb people frequently, and then pay "think tanks" to try and figure out why those people are are so irrationaly pissed off. Follow divisive religious tenants, and by all means kill people in Righteous Indignation. "Liberate" faraway communities of people of people you've never even heard of by either employing them or exterminating them --better yet, letting them exterminate each other once there services are no longer required! Fail not to look with adoring eyes and wallets (and various other body parts) upon the staggering contributions to humanity by such towering intellects as Anna-Nicole, Dick Cheney and Paris Hilton.
Promise me eons of Enrons, ages of atrocity, and volumes of vanity!
Because that's funny.
[LOBO]
In a world of politically polarized blogs, my lack of "affiliation" drives Ethan totally bats.
The truth is, I've known some pretty fine people -and some rather spectacular train wrecks-- from both ends of the spectrum; my personal experience has taught me that a person's political and religious beliefs are rarely a reliable moral barometer. In fact, I find extreme levels of involvement bear out to the contrary; it often seems the more a person talks about what they believe, the less they behave in the manner of their chosen endorsement.
I've tried "staying on top" via various media, but the political charge always seems to bring out the worst in people; everybody is so busy distilling the information and calling everyone else liars, provocateurs and thieves, I couldn't tell you a good, reliable and objective news source were there a gun pointed at my head.
–besides Predator Press, of course.
Look, it's not complicated; either you want to defend, elevate and improve your own circumstances, or you want to improve, elevate or defend the environment of the circumstances and the collective whole, uh, thereby indirectly improving your own circumstances.
Hm.
Well, far be it from me to get in your ardent and virtuous way; hell, you screwballs are already so choked of fantastic conspiracy theories, finger-pointing and wild accusations, there isn't enough room for Predator Press to contribute!
Ultimately, this results in more leisure time for me; I'll step aside and let you make the comedy. Give kids 9mms in schools in an effort to understand the Metric System, and then automatic weapons while guarding the home in case of massive and well-coordinated quail or deer uprisings. Change the word "Prison" in the dictionary to "Low-Income Housing", "Starving" to "Sheik and Slender", and "Homeless" to "Independent Dwelling". Wreck the planet --and pay an oil man $3 a gallon of gas to do it! Bomb people frequently, and then pay "think tanks" to try and figure out why those people are are so irrationaly pissed off. Follow divisive religious tenants, and by all means kill people in Righteous Indignation. "Liberate" faraway communities of people of people you've never even heard of by either employing them or exterminating them --better yet, letting them exterminate each other once there services are no longer required! Fail not to look with adoring eyes and wallets (and various other body parts) upon the staggering contributions to humanity by such towering intellects as Anna-Nicole, Dick Cheney and Paris Hilton.
Promise me eons of Enrons, ages of atrocity, and volumes of vanity!
Because that's funny.
Tuesday
Samsara
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Didja ever notice how rare it is when everything seems to be "in tune"?
Like maybe your job is great, the bills are paid, and you're surrounded by friends and loved ones ... but then your best friend and your old lady accidentally knock a scented candle over while having sex, and burn the house and all your worldly possessions to the ground? Or you win the lottery, and while jumping around in jubilant celebration you snag a testicle on a protruding rusty nail? Remember the first time when --beguiled by the rather grandiose name-- you found out a urinal cake was not the fluffy confection you were led to believe it was?
Well, that's how life works. It's a box of chocolates where you often find nothing but coconut creams.
After weeks, I got the blog "spider friendly" again and we're already back up to number 2 --I anticipate overtaking those wildlife jerks in the number 1 spot again anytime now. But I've got a nasty cold again and I'm so stuffy I can't think of anything 'spiff' to write; while usually slowed down scrawling notes on Post Its against my steering wheel at 94 MPH, I'm way early for work today. Staggering around in a Nyquil-induced fog, drinking coffee that tastes like a roast boot, I'm spinning the unappetizing food in the vending machine in an apparent effort to make spraypainted soybean products dizzy.
This colorless and blasé "Wheel of Suffering" has nothing new to hold my interest today. It cares not for the lost souls it sustains, nor how it tastes to the wreched fools who dare the inevitably fatal rectal trauma; joylessly shorting you 85 cents change, it shares its bountiful array of microwavable cheeseburgers that were never cheese or beef, chicken fajitas that are tortillas stuffed with lettuce and green peppers idly mulling rumors that chicken was involved in the process somewhere ...
And, staring absently into that smudgy glass, I don't particularly care.
We're number 2?
To Environmentalists?
I find this highly offensive.
For those of you that have known me awhile, you may remember that I'm twice the survivor of pneumonia. And I don't use the word 'survivor' loosely, either; the last time I was in the ICU for three weeks. The doctor told me a third 'bout' would likely be the last. So we have to take 2nd place to a bunch of jerks trying to protect an environment that's unabashedly been trying to kill me for years? Hell, if anything, the 'environment' should get it's ass kicked; for years now, it's presented me with nothing more than a constant assault of inclement weather and deadly microscopic flesh-eating bacteria, in a world infested by clever and fast-moving hungry carnivores and axe-wielding Heisman Trophy winners.
The fact is that 'The Environment' kills dozens of people every day, and there are various scientists that can prove it: "Mother Nature" would like nothing more than to dance in the splendor of my tasty and nutritious slippery entrails!
I've had just about enough of this 'environment' crap, thank you. I say we all take this moment in history to show this bitch "Mother Nature" exactly who's in charge around here ...
[LOBO]
Didja ever notice how rare it is when everything seems to be "in tune"?
Like maybe your job is great, the bills are paid, and you're surrounded by friends and loved ones ... but then your best friend and your old lady accidentally knock a scented candle over while having sex, and burn the house and all your worldly possessions to the ground? Or you win the lottery, and while jumping around in jubilant celebration you snag a testicle on a protruding rusty nail? Remember the first time when --beguiled by the rather grandiose name-- you found out a urinal cake was not the fluffy confection you were led to believe it was?
Well, that's how life works. It's a box of chocolates where you often find nothing but coconut creams.
After weeks, I got the blog "spider friendly" again and we're already back up to number 2 --I anticipate overtaking those wildlife jerks in the number 1 spot again anytime now. But I've got a nasty cold again and I'm so stuffy I can't think of anything 'spiff' to write; while usually slowed down scrawling notes on Post Its against my steering wheel at 94 MPH, I'm way early for work today. Staggering around in a Nyquil-induced fog, drinking coffee that tastes like a roast boot, I'm spinning the unappetizing food in the vending machine in an apparent effort to make spraypainted soybean products dizzy.
This colorless and blasé "Wheel of Suffering" has nothing new to hold my interest today. It cares not for the lost souls it sustains, nor how it tastes to the wreched fools who dare the inevitably fatal rectal trauma; joylessly shorting you 85 cents change, it shares its bountiful array of microwavable cheeseburgers that were never cheese or beef, chicken fajitas that are tortillas stuffed with lettuce and green peppers idly mulling rumors that chicken was involved in the process somewhere ...
And, staring absently into that smudgy glass, I don't particularly care.
We're number 2?
To Environmentalists?
I find this highly offensive.
For those of you that have known me awhile, you may remember that I'm twice the survivor of pneumonia. And I don't use the word 'survivor' loosely, either; the last time I was in the ICU for three weeks. The doctor told me a third 'bout' would likely be the last. So we have to take 2nd place to a bunch of jerks trying to protect an environment that's unabashedly been trying to kill me for years? Hell, if anything, the 'environment' should get it's ass kicked; for years now, it's presented me with nothing more than a constant assault of inclement weather and deadly microscopic flesh-eating bacteria, in a world infested by clever and fast-moving hungry carnivores and axe-wielding Heisman Trophy winners.
The fact is that 'The Environment' kills dozens of people every day, and there are various scientists that can prove it: "Mother Nature" would like nothing more than to dance in the splendor of my tasty and nutritious slippery entrails!
I've had just about enough of this 'environment' crap, thank you. I say we all take this moment in history to show this bitch "Mother Nature" exactly who's in charge around here ...
Sunday
Hawk
Predator Press
[LOBO]
“So you’re a Republican now?” says Ethan.
“Yes I am,” says me. “Someone has to look out for the AARP.”
“So you’re going to help the elderly get decent medical and drug coverage?”
“No,” I says. “I’m going to 'level the playing field', and make everyone under 30 drive blindfolded and on Valiums.”
[LOBO]
“So you’re a Republican now?” says Ethan.
“Yes I am,” says me. “Someone has to look out for the AARP.”
“So you’re going to help the elderly get decent medical and drug coverage?”
“No,” I says. “I’m going to 'level the playing field', and make everyone under 30 drive blindfolded and on Valiums.”
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