Dragunov

No.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Working for a book distributor, it's safe to say I see several thousands of book covers a day.

I judge each and every book cover ruthlessly, with zeal, and in a fraction of a second.

So I've never read anything by Heather Graham.  The only reason reason I "clocked" her, in fact, was because I incorrectly thought this was the movie actress (from "Boogie Nights" and "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me") turned author.

"Bride of the Night?"  Seriously?  I can feel
my temples closing in on each other.

-But alas the book covers were already judged.  I wish there was something I could do.

I am firmly sure the author Heather Graham that is not actress Heather Graham writes some damned brilliant literature on par with actress Heather Graham.  But would someone please help author and non-actress Heather Graham out with her titles?  Author and non-actress Heather Graham is making actor and non-author Heather Graham look like a bad author.

I submit the following for your consideration:

The Presence

The Sinister Urge

Night of the Vampires

Bride of the Monster

The Death Dealer

Jail Bait

Deadly Gift

Half of the above titles are Ed Wood movies -the guy famous for "Plan 9 from Outer Space."

Can you pick out author, non-actress Heather's?

Or Die Trying

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Having had the shit beat out of me by years of bad economy –my second Recession should you count the one in the 1980’s (and you SHOULD)- was bad enough.  But to follow it now, just when things are looking slightly in the "less" abysmal side, with gray hairs?

Really?

-O cruel and vengeful God.  Why me?  Couldn't You just pick on Job some more?  That whole thing was hilarious, and it still holds up after all these years.  Or how about Bryan Robinson?

I noticed God's playful "mayhem" in some detail shaving this morning: gray hair a go-go.  And we’re beyond the random stray.  WAY beyond.  We’re full on into tufts!  I’m not doing the “salt ‘n pepper” thing gracefully either:  I’m getting a full-blown shock of white above my right temple, like a lopsided Bride of Frankenstein.  Now when I hiss and spit at people, it’s going to seem cartoony!

Still, I’ve made the conscious decision to not try dies and crap.  Mostly out of fear that that’s one step removed from buying a red Corvette Stingray and a lot of gold necklaces.

Or worse.

A Penny Saved

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Well sir, if you remember, you took out half of your 401k in 2008 as a loan to put down on a car.”

“Yes,” I agree into the cellphone. After the Phone Tree, I am frustrated.

”Also in 2008, you also listed yourself as wanting to retire in 2009. So you gave us your entire salary that year, and we did the most high-risk, stupid asinine things we could think of with it.”

“Go on.”

”It turns out you owe us $900.”

“Really?”

”Yes. And you're a dead man.”

Crazy

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I don't know who this woman is, but I want her apprehended and incarcerated immediately.

-The use of unnecessary force is highly recommended; I'm sure we'll have no problem figuring out charges once we've dug up her basement.

This is the vacant, thousand-mile stare of a woman with four -or possibly more- cats. And can you imagine what her pillowcases look like?

[*shiver*]