Raving Private Ryan

Predator Press

[LOBO]

With recent back surgery, a broken ankle, a broken foot and a broken wrist, an act like bathing can become deceptively complex -sometimes leaving me in various states of undress for up to an hour. And our bedroom -the 'Master'- is in the deepest recesses of the house, with little likelihood for random crazy crap to somehow waft up.

So what is it with Californians and busting open closed doors? At any hour of the day, I shut the door and the goddamn thing bursts open -without a knock or warning- within minutes. I’ve bitched and moaned about this for years already, but I am so frustrated at this point: is Richard Dawson hiding out somewhere downstairs making these people think it’s an episode of The Price is Right?   Please take your lovely array of kitchen appliances and Rice-a-Roni parting gifts, and leave Door Number One alone.  I’ll bet if I floated a closed horizontal door and frame in the middle of some uncharted frozen sea, hundreds of Californians would somehow drown. [Believe it or not, my stepdaughter did it as I was drafting this.]

Is a courtesy knock really too much to ask anyone? Or after all these years of complaining, wouldn’t one consider doing an act so simple -rational or not- just to avoid the inevitable subsequent spectacle? At this point, I’m starting to feel I’m just being needlessly provoked.

Do any of you adult couples -parents, specifically- have this kind of liberal “open door” policy in your homes? My [step] kids' ages range from 8, 17, and 21, and all have friends and guests that have similar mileage. Terri’s case is “I’ve never had closed doors in my family.”   Well that's nice and quaint and all, but let's be realistic Laura Ingalls: these are mostly young adults that I’ve only known for a few years.

-Wouldn’t it be creepy if I wasn't concerned about this?