Save Yourselves

Predator Press

[LOBO]

One need only to glance at my bank balance to conclude that I have not given you people enough excuses to give me money.

So in the spiritual vacuum created by the death of Osama bin Laden, I have decided to pursue the time-tested lucrative field of religion. Frankly, most modern religions are about as good at making us decent human beings as Dane Cook is good at comedy anyway.

1) Do unto others as you would have them do unto yourself. Especially if you are hot.

2) This isn’t the easy road like those Catholic pussies got, and these aren’t mere lame-assed “Commandments” -these are Demandments! But virgins? Pthbbbt … my afterlife SuperBonus offers 72 filthy whores.

3) No fat chicks.

4) Don’t be a dick, asshole, slut, bitch or cunt (or respective sub-derivatives such as disshole, clitch or slunt).

5) Clip your toenails outside, a safe distance from others so as not to poke out someone’s eye with airborne shrapnel.

6) Don’t be rude: leave that damn toilet seat up, or stop complaining when I pee on it.

7) Mmmmmm …. pork chops. That’s not really a ‘Commandment’ I suppose, but …

8) When observing Lent, you must give up not deep-frying everything and not drinking beer.

9) We are not descendents of monkeys. We are descendents of rabbits -thus, Easter makes total sense. Besides, rabbits do not fling poo at you.  Only chocolate.

10) I think maybe we should address this whole “Killing” thing. I mean I know killing is “bad,” but on the other hand some people should just flat-out be dead, right?

In LOBOism, one can only kill another in bed. Yes, that’s right: if you hate someone so much they must die, you have to **** them to death.

And if you can’t produce the DNA-matched crushed pelvis to the proper authorities (trophy over fireplace with documentation is acceptable), you will be promptly thrown is a dungeon where you will doubtlessly be ****ed to death by a minotaur or something.

-This list is subject to updates as desired or necessary.