HEAT
[LOBO]
I may have written about my “Bucket List” -a bunch of crap I want to do before I die- already.
-But all you die-hard Predator Press readers immolating yourselves should know this is a brand new post -so no matter how bad those gasoline fumes are, read this, shut the fuck up, and think about what you’ve done.
-Assholes.
But -as was saying before I was rudely interrupted- for the most part my "Bucket List" is sophomoric criminal bullshit:
1) steal a cop car and lead the cops on a high speed chase, or
2) steal an armored car and lead the cops on a medium-speed chase until I can
3) steal the helicopter cops use for high speed chases (eh? Eh?), and
4) screech to a halt just past a sign on a bridge that reads "County Line," and park to wave back happily at the fleet of furious cops that can no longer arrest me because I'm 6 linear feet outside their jurisdiction.
Theory A) I think if you’re pulled over for a DUI and the cop asks you to take a sobriety test, you’re already fucked. Right? He’s just making you do tricks so he can laugh watching them on his VHS later that day:
T F
Theory B) You know how you can live on a rural street -middle of nowhere- and maybe six cars go by all day, but when you get in your car and start the ignition it’s like Chicago I-94 all of the sudden? Or how it seems every light is red? Well, I think there is a well-organized squad of old people with walkie-talkies fucking with us. War vets -? They radio when we leave the house, where we're going, what and what bank teller lane we're getting into, et cetera.
But why 'old people,' o Brilliant One?” you are probably asking.
See, that logic took me a while. The Opportunity was never in question ... trust me: when I can‘t sleep and my dick doesn‘t work anymore, I‘ll be hassling you. But what is the Motive? What the fuck do these geezers have against us? I don’t want to put deer stalker hat factories out of business or anything …. I’m just sayin this blue haired buzzard bait has some crazy reason for doin’ this shit, right?
Eventually I crunched the numbers on Excel. I found that elderly people have a slower reaction time -sometimes half that of a person in his twenties. Then you factor in how they drive about two-thirds of the speed limit. And when these behaviors are coupled with frequent, sudden naps and crashing into 7-11s, it doesn‘t leave much actual “driving” -in 2.5 hours, your garden variety Senior Citizen will be closer to home than his or her original desired destination. And over a long enough timeline, they will actually owe some driving …
T F
Anyone else need a cigarette?
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