Predator Press Movie-Middle Reviews: Avatar
Predator Press[LOBO]
Everything probably would have been fine if not for the Nader guy.
All through the line at the box office, that guy just went on and on about Ralph Nader. ‘Ralph Nader supports this,’ and ‘Ralph Nader opposes that.’
-And from the way his date feigned enthusiasm, I’m pretty sure she was ready to smack him too. She kept kissing the guy just to shut him up.
“Oh please,” I muttered as my ticket is bein torn. “Ralph Nader is a fucking populist. Voting for him is just throwin your vote away.”
We crossed the heavy double-doors into the darkened theater in the same small group. And as the ambient sounds diminished -as the room is designed to do- I distinctly heard the Nader guy whisper, “That guy is an asshole.”
“You’re an asshole,” I rasp quietly. “And a naïve asshole. America is a two-party system. Period. Now go fritter away the attention of some other country with your Lawn Party or whatever.”
“Fuck you hippie.”
“Nader tot!” I shrieked.
-The ‘shhhhhh!’s came from multiple directions, and almost on instict we scatter for seats.
Some previews started … but I got distracted tryin to figure out with more precision where Nader guy was sitting. He was about six rows up, and slightly to my left. Oh man, I’m thinking. Just let your stupid cellephone ring or something, and I’ll haul your stupid Communist ass right out of this stupid fucking movie and-
By the time Avatar started, I had completely lost my 3-D glasses.
Fuck.
Twenty minutes in, I had a splitting headache. So rather than watch the excruciating blurry images, I began to stare at the back of Nader guy’s stupid fucking head. He was an older guy, with well-manicured and gelled stupid hair, shaved just above his stupid collar. Pastel shirt -a stupid Polo shirt if I remember correctly.After about an hour and a half, I began to relax a little and watch the movie.
Man the Smurfs in Avatar are fucking huge. Didn’t the guy who wrote this tripe do any research at all? I happen to know Smurfs are roughly three apples tall. Apples are, like, four inches or so right? These fucking things were at least five or six feet tall. Well that’s just plain lazy.
Lookit that stupid asshole with his stupid Nader hair warmin his stupid Nader thoughts.
I’m guessing the main Smurf in this story is Jokey Smurf, because everything is constantly blowing up. Jokey and Smurfette have some bizarre obsession over letting this poor crippled guy sleep, yadda yadda, more stuff blows up. They are probably alien Smurfs if you think about it. You know, made gigantic by bein exposed to gamma rays and stuff. Still, advanced civilization or no, Smurfette is the only female of all the Smurfs if I remember correctly … and it’s depressing me that she has all this free time. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Now that I think of it, I don't think these guys even have any genetalia. Nope. I don’t remember seeing any ‘Predators,’ either, but Sigourney Weaver goes on and on and on about how to be nice to the aliens. The humans -having finally found a long-sought alien species to have wars with- will have none of that 'peace' and 'love' hippie shit, and it's on bitches! The humans finally shoot Sigourney to get her to shut the fuck up. Ironic.
“Nader is an Environmentalist!” I cried in exhilaration. “Save the environment? The environment is trying to kill us all the time! Is he stupid?”
If you factor in the ticket, food, parking, and bail, I spent about $500 that night. You would think I would be left to enjoy the movie, right? But immediately after the Coca-Cola thing, there was ushers and lights, an ambulance and cops -virtually anything you could dream up that would make it impossible to follow a movie plot.
Still, Avatar‘s movie-middle garnered a healthy eighteen thumbs up. Despite the wanton Smurf inaccuracy -borderlining on outright historical butchery- when that Coke smacked the back of Nader guy’s head that shit exploded everywhere. People all over the theater were taking off their 3-D glasses and freaking out for a second.
Some applauded.
See that Ralph Nader?
Fuck you.
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