What to Do If You Are Vomiting Blood

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Doubtlessly, if you’re vomiting blood, you will need a few moments to clean off your monitor. In the meantime, I will entertain our healthier readers with my rather lengthy thoughts on Things I Can Live Without.

First, I’m getting tired of the Discovery Channel. How the fuck am I supposed to earnestly look for a job while inundated by reality shows about employed guys getting decapitated fishing?

At least TruTV has the human decency to fake all their "reality" shows about fantasy employed people ... you'll never see those Repo weirdoes get anything vital lopped off. But as for the rest, TruTV? We’re not excited about punks getting busted up on their skateboards anymore: a good excuse to invent better concrete does not a decent cable station make. Don’t you think I would be watching you right now instead of coming up with boring medical breakthroughs?

Speaking of which, if you’re vomiting blood, I suppose you should consider why you are vomiting first -all medical terminology is put in a hierarchy of acuity and lethality. If you‘re blood was vomiting, you would be in far worse shape actually: that is a sign that God hates you so much he is exploding you very slowly. On the downside, you‘ll look like Slim Goodbody. On the upside, you be in all Clive Barker‘s future films.

Since you are only vomiting blood, there‘s probably no reason to panic. Stop the vomiting ASAP. You need that blood. Were you eating something weird like peanut butter and sardine sandwiches? Caramel-coated oyster shells? Were you dipping Oreo cookies in green pea soup? Even the thought of foods like that could likely increase your nausea. I suggest thinking about something more wholesome. Like hot dogs or something.

I have supplied this delectable pastrami sandwich graphic as a helpful visual aide to fight the nausea. Doesn’t that look fucking awesome? I made Barbarossa go get it for me for lunch … Oooooo, I can’t wait. Nothing beats a free pastrami sandwich. Thanks Barbarossa!

In conclusion, if nausea cannot be controlled and you are still vomiting blood, treat it like any other bleeding orifice: a place a band aid over your mouth and nose, and sneak quick short breaths as not to spew bloody puke all over your monitor again. You know what? For the sake of tidiness, you could probably get away with breathing into a Hefty bag or something.

You’re not quite out of the woods yet: with the vomiting under control, you aren’t technically cured until we can stop the bleeding too.

You should probably call 911.

* Update: We at Predator Press regret to inform you that as of immediately after posting this, the pastrami sandwich was technically no longer with us.

[*sniff*]