Adam Lambert is NOT Gay. SHUT UP SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA ...

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I don’t know when this crazy rumor got started, but you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Not that there would be anything wrong with Lambert being gay … as you all know, Predator Press is a very, eh, alternate lifestyle-friendly publication, and we’ve always treated people committing wanton abominations against God and Nature with nothing but the utmost respect and dignity.

But if Lambert is gay, it’s only in the ‘happy’ sense of the word. Very happy. Are you jealous of guys that are happy? Is that it? Sure he wears eyeliner and likes to wear Michael Jackson memorabilia. Well so does Larry Craig upon occasion, and Larry Craig insists he isn’t gay. So there.

My suspicion is that the rumors got started by guys hoping Lambert is gay -an unfortunate consequence of Lambert's inexplicable tendency to repeat the phrase "I am gay" in numerous televised public forums. But, like teaching the Kamikaze pilot to land, the hopeful and heartbroken homosexual community is completely wasting their time: after having searched every phone book in the United States I discovered a Martha Lambert that lives in Des Moines.

Is it a coincidence we’ve never heard of Martha? I think not: obviously, this is Adam’s secret wife. Martha Lambert lives in a carefully-constructed obscurity that could only be manufactured by Hollywood -as a Union Steward for a company that subcontracts battleship construction for the U.S. Military Industrial Complex.

Clearly, this whole controversial "homosexual" thing is a sophisticated sham in order to generate publicity -but can one judge Adam for chasing every American's dreams of fame, wealth, and the inalienable right to accessorize with feather boas and leather chaps? And when we do inevitably get around to judging, should we stop at chaps? I think we should throw in cowboy hats too -in one sweeping revolutionary piece of national legislation we make good taste a patriotic duty, and simultaneously wipe out a lot of bad music forever.


BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: 5:23 pm

While Martha Lambert's 'Facebook' is suspiciously devoid of any mention of Adam, she claims to enjoy baking cookies, singing in the church choir, and apparently shares Adam with her other husband Joe Lambert, six kids, and four grandchildren.