Mister Blister

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Well, Obama has been in office a full day and I’m still unemployed.

-I’m starting to have my doubts about this administration.

But the employers aren’t really helping themselves in this regard either. There’s nothing I like better than uploading a spiff resumé to Careerbuilders or Monster only to have to spend an hour doing it all over again: you hit “Apply Now,” and then have to engage in the redundant cutting and pasting of essentially the same information.

-And oh God help you if you get called in for an interview: then you get to fill out the same information once more by hand.

By the third permutation of the same info, if I don’t get the job I should be able to murder your Human Resources person with cinderblocks and pointy sticks.

It's at the handwritten application stage where they will sneak in a question like Where do you see yourself in five years? The correct answer for this is generally some variation on “blowing my boss,” but I don’t think they get that one very often frankly: I usually put “chewing on an adrenal gland of an endangered Mojave desert box tortoise, and crashing my nuclear hovercar into the competition’s cafeteria. This often causes survivors third degree burns, and fuses rayon and polyester to flesh.”

If you want to know the truth, the third version of my resumé always generates a high degree of internal doubt your company is really worth a crap in the first place. Seriously. Have I committed a felony since you called me to come in thirty minutes ago? No. To be brutally honest, the only thing that’s changed is now I know you don’t bother actually reading anything.

And as a result, now I don’t think I want to work for you: I picture my tenure with your company as furiously composing unnecessary faxes with irrational demands –demands that are forwarded to another fax machine on the other side of the building occupied by an effective battalion of hot secretaries who promptly stamp it “For Corporate Consideration,” copy it, scan it, email it, print it, copy the email, and file them away for future shredding –all the while complimenting my industriousness and brazen ambition.

“He’s going to go far in this company,” one will remark, shredding my proposal.

This is of course a highly abbreviated remark: over the years I will have fought hard against them gossiping about how attractive and sexy I am.

At some level that’s just not professional -and besides I am happily married.

I would have to write a memo like: “Ladies, this is a workplace. Despite my distracting good looks and overpowering 'machismo,' you must keep your base visceral instincts and urges under control. Put your blouses back on. This is harassment!” where it will be promptly stamped “For Corporate Consideration,” copied, scanned, emailed, printed, and filed away for future shredding.

The future is bleak.

Sexy, but bleak.