I Don't Do Things So J. D. Has To

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Someday, when the ‘secrecy’ of what I do for a living is no longer important, my boss will probably tell you I’m terrible at relaxing. I spend my breaks and lunch hours poring over comparative spreadsheets, checking this, verifying that … it’s pretty much a textbook case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder on an epic scale.

Blogging, it seems, is no different for me. Since Blogger has no download feature, I’ve been trying to get myself to take a few days off so I can backup these 900 and some-odd posts that the ever-important Predator Press files survive a catastrophic nuclear strike or whatever.

Can't.

I lie awake at night worried. Will my millions and millions of readers be okay without me? What if there’s a massive panic in my absence? In my mind, only thing worse than you guys immolating yourselves or jumping off of buildings would be you guys immolating yourselves, then jumping off of buildings.

First I thought Terri, but she can't do it while I'm hoggin the PC. Then I considered Don Lewis, but he’s embroiled in his presidential campaign; I’m not sure he wouldn’t abuse the position for political gain. I mulled over Sinister Dan for a while too, but I’m pretty sure at some point he would have you guys immolating yourselves and jumping off of buildings just for his own personal amusement.

There’s really only one other person I can think of that can lead the massive throngs of fans serene and safe through the rest of the week.

And if I’m not doing it, she has to, right?

So J.D., here’s a couple of things I would definitely not do in case your looking for ideas:

I Don’t Compete in the Olympics Anymore. Sure it was fun setting all those records for a while, but I got tired of breaking the hearts of all those spirited young athletes. Finally one day, while looking into the eyes of yet another defeated would-be champion, I just handed him my gold medal.

“Here kid," I says. "Just go up there and tell them you’re me.”

“Wow!” he says, overjoyed. “Thanks LOBO!”

I hear Carl Lewis is still doing pretty well for himself to this day.

I Don’t Use Frank Lloyd Wright Architecture and Interior Design on Ant Farms. It’s not that I don’t like ‘Organic Design’, or that I don’t like ants. It’s just that I don’t like the name ‘Lloyd’. I mean what arrogant historical prick decided that one ‘L’ wasn’t enough? Larry –while not shy about the ‘R’s- decided one ‘L’ was enough. Lance decided that one ‘L’ would do. But Loyd? Oh hell no. Loyd hadda hog all the ‘L’s. Why’d you stop there, “Lloyd”? Why not Lllllllllloyd?

-This kind of self-indulgent redundancy makes me want to puke.

Anyways J.D., you get the picture. Have a good week, remain calm, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t … wait. Do do the things that … uh …

(Great. Now I have a headache.)