Te Amo
Predator Press
[Mr. I]
Robot LOBO #32 arrived at the Pearly Gates bewildered.
The last thing he remembered was being eaten by wild dogs as he desperately held his breath to avoid inhaling deadly biological nerve toxins. Nothing particularly unusual or out of the ordinary.
But now he was dead.
By now, there was a small line of Robot LOBOs waiting to speak to Saint Peter.
"Hi Robot LOBO #32!", says Robot LOBO #71 and #16, waving enthusiastically. "Jesus Christ what a handsome robot."
"I was just about to say the same thing," grins Robot LOBO #32. "You guys are downright gorgeous!"
"What happened to you?" asks #71.
"Hezbollah," he replies.
"Wow," says #16.
"Yeah," says #32. "What about you handsome devils?"
#16 blushes. "You know I'm not sure. I got in a car and went kablooey. Could have been a defective reactor core."
"Or maybe the mob," offers #71.
"That's a really brilliant insight," ponders #16. "I never thought of that. It could have been a really ugly, jealous mob. #71, you must be a genius."
"A really good looking, sexy genius," ads #32.
"What about you, #32?" asks #71.
#32 held up his right hand, inspecting his fingernails with arched eyebrows coolly. "I knocked up Phoebe."
"No way!" says #71.
"You're shitting me!" says #16.
"Nope," says #32.
"You lucky bastard," says #71. "You handsome, brilliant, lucky bastard."
"Tell us how it happened," says #16.
"Yes, please do," says #71, bouncing and clapping his hands. "Give us details!"
***
LOBO hated going to Chicago. It was always a big pain in the ass.
As usual, he would ride straight up Interstate 94 until he hit the inevitable gridlock. Deciding that this was more parking than it was actually driving, he would then abandon his car wherever he was --right there on the interstate, in the sea of beeping and cursing-- and walk the rest of the way.
It wasn't a perfect or particularly convenient system admittedly. But on occasion, when he came back hours later, the car was still there, surrounded by the same beeping and cursing people that were there when he left. And sometimes, when he was really lucky, it would have maybe fifteen or twenty feet of open road in front of it.
At least he didn't have to tote around change for a parking meter.
This particular time he got within eight miles of his destination before the "parking" started. It was shaping up to be a fine day.
So, shuffling northward, he was reading the used car classifieds as he walked. In no particular hurry, he arrived at Phoebe's posh apartment building three hours later.
Outside was a disheveled, smelly guy, holding out a tin cup.
LOBO took the cup and looked inside. It was full of nickels and quarters. "No thanks," he says, handing it back to the bewildered guy. Tapping his temple with his index finger, he replies "I did the free parking thing."
But as he starts to walk away, he notices someone else walk by and drop some change in it.
"Wow," says LOBO. "That guy just gave you money? Just like that?"
The guy with the cup stared.
"Oh I gotta get in on this action," he says to no one in particular. "This city rocks!"
***
So LOBO returns from the nearby convenience store like twenty minutes later with a small bag. Unwilling to soil himself, he also had a Diet Pepsi which he promptly poured in his lap. Figuring an environment less hostile to the olfactory senses might be more lucrative, in the bag he had two dozen pine tree air fresheners which he proceeded to sneakily hang on all the other people on the block holding out cups.
With a black marker and cardboard, he countered the abundant "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" signs with "WE ACCEPT VISA AND MASTERCARD". Where one guys pants hung too low, LOBO's hung lower. Where one's clothes were inside out, LOBO's were inside out and upside-down. When one drooled, LOBO gushed. When one sang tunelessly or cursed at people that weren't there, LOBO recited Alanis Morisette lyrics while doing the Electric Slide.
"Oh come on!" he complained when the guy in Army fatigues missing his legs scooted by on a skateboard. Frustrated, LOBO beaned "Skateboard Guy" with his empty plastic cup, frothing unrepeatable obscenities.
Pulling up his pants, he skulked on up to Phoebe's apartment in defeat.
***
Three hours later, the phone seemed to ring forever.
Finally, the semi-familiar voice answers. "Yeah?"
"Is this Fat Louie?" asks LOBO.
"Who wants to know?" says the disembodied voice.
"This is LOBO."
"Who?"
"You know, LOBO. We met downstairs. You asked me if I needed anything. Like 'H' or dope or crack or women."
"Oh yeah. You're the guy that said you were 'so horny you could fuck a plate of sheet steel'."
"Yep," says LOBO. "That's me."
"Well what do you want?"
"When you sold me this, uh, Liquid G stuff, you said 'one drop in a girls drink, and I was guaranteed to get laid'."
"What happened?"
"She fell asleep!"
"Ummm ... what did you think was going to happen?"
"I don't know. I figured maybe she would call up some hot friends with loose morals."
Pause.
"Uh huh," says Fat Louie.
"Should I use some more?"
"God no," says Louie. "Too much of that stuff could be dangerous. I would put it away. In something you know nobody will accidently drink out of."
"Like a can of Tab? I'm way ahead of you." LOBO pauses. "How long is Phoebe going to be out? I think I need a ride home."
"About eight hours. She won't remember a thing, either."
"So I'll need to write out some directions?"
Another pause.
"So what can I do for you?" asks Louie.
"Well, I'm bored. And I already watched all her Dawson Creek dvds. How's the wife and kids?"
"Look, 'LOBO'," says Fat Louie. "You got any condoms?"
"Yeah. I bought a whole 12 pack because I thought--"
"Use them, dumbass."
A click, and a dial tone.
***
Use the condoms? LOBO thought. What am I going to do? Make ribbed, glow-in-the-dark, 'lubricated for her pleasure' sausage?
LOBO didn't get any ideas until he went in her bathroom. There, he found rows and rows and rows of Phoebe's bottled perfume.
It was all cheap shit, too. No Safari.
Remembering the hobos in the street, he started making pleasant-smelling water balloons. It took about five or six burst ones to determine the maximum density of a water-slash-perfume filled condom, and he disposed of the unusable ones in the toilet.
"Bombs away!" he cried over Phoebe's 35th story balcony, scoring a direct hit on Skateboard Guy.
Finally out of ammunition, he returned to the kitchen, thirsty. Finding an unfinished can of Tab, he chugged the whole thing as he wandered in to see if Phoebe had woken yet.
And passed out right next to her.
***
Phoebe woke to find LOBO snoring loudly.
That's strange, she thought.
Having been unconscious for quite some time, she headed immediately for the bathroom, where she found an empty vial labeled "Liquid G", and a half-dozen burst condoms floating in the toilet.
Screaming doesn't begin to describe it.
***
"What happened then?" asks Robot LOBO #16.
"She was trying to wake me up, but I couldn't understand a word she was saying; for some reason she was really upset and had one of those Early Pregnancy Test slides in her mouth. Evidently, I might have gotten her pregnant somehow-"
"Maybe you're so virile that just being near her was enough. Did you go near any cabbage patches?" asked #71.
"No."
"Or leave a half dollar under her pillow?" asked #16.
"Nope," replies #32, shaking his head.
"I'll bet that sneaky Skateboard Guy had a half dollar," reflected #71.
#32 points to his nose, and continues. "I calmly explained that she shouldn't be ashamed of succumbing to her natural sexual desires for me, what with me screaming out all these incredibly manly testosterates everywhere. She's only human for God's sake; it's biology. And even though it was more likely Skateboard Guy's baby, I would raise it with her like it was my own, and we should get hitched so's the kid ain't no bastard."
"So ..."
"I don't know what happened next. Something crashed into my head. I turned to look, and it was the sidewalk."
"Hah!" says Saint Peter. "See Gabriel? You owe me fifty bucks!"
[Mr. I]
Robot LOBO #32 arrived at the Pearly Gates bewildered.
The last thing he remembered was being eaten by wild dogs as he desperately held his breath to avoid inhaling deadly biological nerve toxins. Nothing particularly unusual or out of the ordinary.
But now he was dead.
By now, there was a small line of Robot LOBOs waiting to speak to Saint Peter.
"Hi Robot LOBO #32!", says Robot LOBO #71 and #16, waving enthusiastically. "Jesus Christ what a handsome robot."
"I was just about to say the same thing," grins Robot LOBO #32. "You guys are downright gorgeous!"
"What happened to you?" asks #71.
"Hezbollah," he replies.
"Wow," says #16.
"Yeah," says #32. "What about you handsome devils?"
#16 blushes. "You know I'm not sure. I got in a car and went kablooey. Could have been a defective reactor core."
"Or maybe the mob," offers #71.
"That's a really brilliant insight," ponders #16. "I never thought of that. It could have been a really ugly, jealous mob. #71, you must be a genius."
"A really good looking, sexy genius," ads #32.
"What about you, #32?" asks #71.
#32 held up his right hand, inspecting his fingernails with arched eyebrows coolly. "I knocked up Phoebe."
"No way!" says #71.
"You're shitting me!" says #16.
"Nope," says #32.
"You lucky bastard," says #71. "You handsome, brilliant, lucky bastard."
"Tell us how it happened," says #16.
"Yes, please do," says #71, bouncing and clapping his hands. "Give us details!"
LOBO hated going to Chicago. It was always a big pain in the ass.
As usual, he would ride straight up Interstate 94 until he hit the inevitable gridlock. Deciding that this was more parking than it was actually driving, he would then abandon his car wherever he was --right there on the interstate, in the sea of beeping and cursing-- and walk the rest of the way.
It wasn't a perfect or particularly convenient system admittedly. But on occasion, when he came back hours later, the car was still there, surrounded by the same beeping and cursing people that were there when he left. And sometimes, when he was really lucky, it would have maybe fifteen or twenty feet of open road in front of it.
At least he didn't have to tote around change for a parking meter.
This particular time he got within eight miles of his destination before the "parking" started. It was shaping up to be a fine day.
So, shuffling northward, he was reading the used car classifieds as he walked. In no particular hurry, he arrived at Phoebe's posh apartment building three hours later.
Outside was a disheveled, smelly guy, holding out a tin cup.
LOBO took the cup and looked inside. It was full of nickels and quarters. "No thanks," he says, handing it back to the bewildered guy. Tapping his temple with his index finger, he replies "I did the free parking thing."
But as he starts to walk away, he notices someone else walk by and drop some change in it.
"Wow," says LOBO. "That guy just gave you money? Just like that?"
The guy with the cup stared.
"Oh I gotta get in on this action," he says to no one in particular. "This city rocks!"
So LOBO returns from the nearby convenience store like twenty minutes later with a small bag. Unwilling to soil himself, he also had a Diet Pepsi which he promptly poured in his lap. Figuring an environment less hostile to the olfactory senses might be more lucrative, in the bag he had two dozen pine tree air fresheners which he proceeded to sneakily hang on all the other people on the block holding out cups.
With a black marker and cardboard, he countered the abundant "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" signs with "WE ACCEPT VISA AND MASTERCARD". Where one guys pants hung too low, LOBO's hung lower. Where one's clothes were inside out, LOBO's were inside out and upside-down. When one drooled, LOBO gushed. When one sang tunelessly or cursed at people that weren't there, LOBO recited Alanis Morisette lyrics while doing the Electric Slide.
"Oh come on!" he complained when the guy in Army fatigues missing his legs scooted by on a skateboard. Frustrated, LOBO beaned "Skateboard Guy" with his empty plastic cup, frothing unrepeatable obscenities.
Pulling up his pants, he skulked on up to Phoebe's apartment in defeat.
Three hours later, the phone seemed to ring forever.
Finally, the semi-familiar voice answers. "Yeah?"
"Is this Fat Louie?" asks LOBO.
"Who wants to know?" says the disembodied voice.
"This is LOBO."
"Who?"
"You know, LOBO. We met downstairs. You asked me if I needed anything. Like 'H' or dope or crack or women."
"Oh yeah. You're the guy that said you were 'so horny you could fuck a plate of sheet steel'."
"Yep," says LOBO. "That's me."
"Well what do you want?"
"When you sold me this, uh, Liquid G stuff, you said 'one drop in a girls drink, and I was guaranteed to get laid'."
"What happened?"
"She fell asleep!"
"Ummm ... what did you think was going to happen?"
"I don't know. I figured maybe she would call up some hot friends with loose morals."
Pause.
"Uh huh," says Fat Louie.
"Should I use some more?"
"God no," says Louie. "Too much of that stuff could be dangerous. I would put it away. In something you know nobody will accidently drink out of."
"Like a can of Tab? I'm way ahead of you." LOBO pauses. "How long is Phoebe going to be out? I think I need a ride home."
"About eight hours. She won't remember a thing, either."
"So I'll need to write out some directions?"
Another pause.
"So what can I do for you?" asks Louie.
"Well, I'm bored. And I already watched all her Dawson Creek dvds. How's the wife and kids?"
"Look, 'LOBO'," says Fat Louie. "You got any condoms?"
"Yeah. I bought a whole 12 pack because I thought--"
"Use them, dumbass."
A click, and a dial tone.
Use the condoms? LOBO thought. What am I going to do? Make ribbed, glow-in-the-dark, 'lubricated for her pleasure' sausage?
LOBO didn't get any ideas until he went in her bathroom. There, he found rows and rows and rows of Phoebe's bottled perfume.
It was all cheap shit, too. No Safari.
Remembering the hobos in the street, he started making pleasant-smelling water balloons. It took about five or six burst ones to determine the maximum density of a water-slash-perfume filled condom, and he disposed of the unusable ones in the toilet.
"Bombs away!" he cried over Phoebe's 35th story balcony, scoring a direct hit on Skateboard Guy.
Finally out of ammunition, he returned to the kitchen, thirsty. Finding an unfinished can of Tab, he chugged the whole thing as he wandered in to see if Phoebe had woken yet.
And passed out right next to her.
Phoebe woke to find LOBO snoring loudly.
That's strange, she thought.
Having been unconscious for quite some time, she headed immediately for the bathroom, where she found an empty vial labeled "Liquid G", and a half-dozen burst condoms floating in the toilet.
Screaming doesn't begin to describe it.
"What happened then?" asks Robot LOBO #16.
"She was trying to wake me up, but I couldn't understand a word she was saying; for some reason she was really upset and had one of those Early Pregnancy Test slides in her mouth. Evidently, I might have gotten her pregnant somehow-"
"Maybe you're so virile that just being near her was enough. Did you go near any cabbage patches?" asked #71.
"No."
"Or leave a half dollar under her pillow?" asked #16.
"Nope," replies #32, shaking his head.
"I'll bet that sneaky Skateboard Guy had a half dollar," reflected #71.
#32 points to his nose, and continues. "I calmly explained that she shouldn't be ashamed of succumbing to her natural sexual desires for me, what with me screaming out all these incredibly manly testosterates everywhere. She's only human for God's sake; it's biology. And even though it was more likely Skateboard Guy's baby, I would raise it with her like it was my own, and we should get hitched so's the kid ain't no bastard."
"So ..."
"I don't know what happened next. Something crashed into my head. I turned to look, and it was the sidewalk."
"Hah!" says Saint Peter. "See Gabriel? You owe me fifty bucks!"
Comments