Sports Update
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Crap! I'm the sports reporter?
Look. Sports are boring ... except maybe mud wrestling. My commentaries are more in the order of renting revolvers at Kareoke bars: if even alcohol won't make those missed harmonies non-offensive to the ear, a blazing hail of hot lead will usually do the trick.
Can't we jazz sports up a bit? First, we gotta smear those maniacs climbing over and smashing women and children to catch the foul balls at baseball games. Whats a baseball cost anyway? Baseball would be greatly improved by using an explosive ball that detonates when it goes out of the field. Plus this whole "running the bases" thing is a real snoozer. We should dig pits between the bases and fill them with flaming pits of starving, pissed alligators swimming in sulfuric acid, and make the players swing over 'em Pitfall style. And it's like nine guys on the field versus this one guy batting ... lets even it up a little: rather than dropping the bats, have 'em take it with them so you can "tune up" the guys trying to tag you out.
Golf really needs work. I'm thinking make the players bungee down a cliff or something to tee off.
NASCAR could use some spicing up too. Make the drivers pick up psycho hitchhikers or something. Have the odd-numbered cars go the opposite direction on the track. How about having a random drawing and making them drive one of the spectators cars? [I could really get behind a driver that sputtered over the finish line of the Daytona 500 in a Chevette!] Maybe the drivers do those 24 hour races after a eating a dozen White Castle cheeseburgers. Or make them do it with their wives and kids in tow: between her making him stop for directions and the whole "are we there yet" thing going on every lap, that 23rd hour would be a fiery bloodbath.
Football would be more fun if you put like 100 guys for each team on the field at the same time and gave everyone in the audience that wears fan-based face paint a sniper rifle. Throw in some land mines, and you've got yourself a real show.
Hockey could be a lot more efficient too. Make the players take heroic doses of whiskey and PCP, throw the stupid puck away and let 'em beat each other into a fine paste.
There are so many things in life we do all the time that would make much more interesting athletic events worthy of a 60 million dollar five-year contract. Like shopping on Christmas Eve ... c'mon guys; some of those little old ladies take three or four elbows before you can wrench that Power Ranger doll from the clutches of the greedy little crone. Try to get a Whopper from Burger King --with cheese but without mayo-- completely devoid of any steroid use. Try to wrap your head around a standard-issue cellphone calling plan ...
[LOBO]
Crap! I'm the sports reporter?
Look. Sports are boring ... except maybe mud wrestling. My commentaries are more in the order of renting revolvers at Kareoke bars: if even alcohol won't make those missed harmonies non-offensive to the ear, a blazing hail of hot lead will usually do the trick.
Can't we jazz sports up a bit? First, we gotta smear those maniacs climbing over and smashing women and children to catch the foul balls at baseball games. Whats a baseball cost anyway? Baseball would be greatly improved by using an explosive ball that detonates when it goes out of the field. Plus this whole "running the bases" thing is a real snoozer. We should dig pits between the bases and fill them with flaming pits of starving, pissed alligators swimming in sulfuric acid, and make the players swing over 'em Pitfall style. And it's like nine guys on the field versus this one guy batting ... lets even it up a little: rather than dropping the bats, have 'em take it with them so you can "tune up" the guys trying to tag you out.
Golf really needs work. I'm thinking make the players bungee down a cliff or something to tee off.
NASCAR could use some spicing up too. Make the drivers pick up psycho hitchhikers or something. Have the odd-numbered cars go the opposite direction on the track. How about having a random drawing and making them drive one of the spectators cars? [I could really get behind a driver that sputtered over the finish line of the Daytona 500 in a Chevette!] Maybe the drivers do those 24 hour races after a eating a dozen White Castle cheeseburgers. Or make them do it with their wives and kids in tow: between her making him stop for directions and the whole "are we there yet" thing going on every lap, that 23rd hour would be a fiery bloodbath.
Football would be more fun if you put like 100 guys for each team on the field at the same time and gave everyone in the audience that wears fan-based face paint a sniper rifle. Throw in some land mines, and you've got yourself a real show.
Hockey could be a lot more efficient too. Make the players take heroic doses of whiskey and PCP, throw the stupid puck away and let 'em beat each other into a fine paste.
There are so many things in life we do all the time that would make much more interesting athletic events worthy of a 60 million dollar five-year contract. Like shopping on Christmas Eve ... c'mon guys; some of those little old ladies take three or four elbows before you can wrench that Power Ranger doll from the clutches of the greedy little crone. Try to get a Whopper from Burger King --with cheese but without mayo-- completely devoid of any steroid use. Try to wrap your head around a standard-issue cellphone calling plan ...
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