Preamble
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Written retrospectively on 05/20/08.
... If you're reading this, I must be dead.
Sometime in mid-2004, "Ethan" and I got very drunk and surly.
-Wait. I have to back up a little.
***
AS a single college grad, I was already burned out on the music business.
Numerous band breakups -and a staggering lack of talent- had understandably not culminated into much over the years, and I was growing vaguely aware that I was just picking at it like an old scab ... more out of habit and routine than any other reason.
Acutely attuned to the fact that "the minute you became unable to reinvent yourself is the minute you became old," I tried. Unfortunately this lead to various other bad incarnations as well; soon I found myself thousands of miles from a "home" that no longer existed, and embroiled in a crippling, spiteful divorce.
It got worse before it got better. A previously undetected broken vertebra from my youth had calcified, and for two years I wallowed in an untreatable agonizing cesspool of pain medications, depression and self-pity. I'm sure I wasn't very nice or pleasant all the time either; I remember once growling tearfully at "Ethan" -one of the few friends I had left- that "I absolutely refuse to be crippled!"
And then one day it just stopped.
I could walk.
I could sleep.
-I can't really offer a medical explanation because frankly I never looked back; I just quit the meds and useless doctor appointments and moved on. And while I have my doubts that God played a hand in my miserable existence, who knows? "Miracles" is a real word. I looked it up.
The most likely explanation, however, is that my bosses finally got wind of my injury as it was increasingly difficult to hide, and I was promptly "let go". After a few months away from the brutal physical demands of that job, I unexpectedly grew gradually healthier, had some idle time, and decided maybe hard labor's time had come and gone for me.
***
But over those two horrifying, hobbled years, besides my job I did little anyone could classify as "useful". Between fits of bitching and moaning after work I played video games and wrote a little here and there in my spare time. A Fairy Tale was drafted about then. I also tinkered with a website called High Abusive.com, but it was directionless and uninspired: the concept was to run a 24/7 webcam in an abandoned warehouse where we hosted live bands, parties, and did interviews. Or interviewed partying live bands. Whatever.
But suddenly broke, I lost permissions for the abandoned warehouse and then finally my ill-conceived and woefully underdeveloped url.
Under my own navigation, this chapter would have closed forever.
***
It was "Ethan" who repeatedly pushed me back into the pool. He said "Let's do a blog!" and so we did a blog. He said "You gotta read this guy!" and so I read that guy. Ethan, in fact, is the first poster on this blog.
But as someone who has dabbled in Journalism, I wasn't particularly impressed with "blogging" as God -at the time- intended it. I was used to more expository stuff. And heck you could say virtually anything on these websites ... !
And then something clicked.
It suddenly dawned on me that it was okay to lie here: this wasn't like newspapers, magazines or television. No one ever seemed to care when someone said something patently false.
Subsequently I decided if I was going to lie, I wasn't going to do some pansy little teeny-weenie bullshit lie: I was going to tell the biggest, most fantastic far-fetched epic boldfaced lie the Earth has ever seen.
So fine. Go and read the whole thing in order if you must. It's pretty boring at first while getting my "blog-legs", but I stand by it.
But first let me give you my caveats.
My Seven (or so) Deadly Caveats:
First: Nothing in this blog is true -except if you laugh, in which case I've stumbled into something you recognize in yourself. So if it's true, it's your own damn fault.
Second: The only thing unique here is the writing. Even the formatting was either pilfered or done at the advice of other people. And I've lifted countless pictures left and right -without permission- to illustrate some stories and posts. In advance, my apologies for this. If you see your picture used and I haven't figured out how to give you a credit, it's likely because I couldn't find you. Email me at carpenoctum at hotmail.com with "YOU THIEF!!" in the subject field, and I'll either make you happy or remove it entirely.
-Oh wait. I'm dead now. So pthhbtt!
Third: While I've certainly taken liberties with some public figures and realities as we know them, some of the stories are based loosely on 'real' circumstances. In these cases, all names were changed to protect the guilty.
Fourth: I'm a notoriously pisspoor commenter, and this blog forgives you from being the same. I'm just glad you showed up.
Fifth: No animals were harmed in the pursuit of this blog ... except maybe Phil when she got her rabies shots.
Sixth: While I fucked off, some of my current influences -the heavyweights of the "Humor Blog" spectrum such as Rob "Diesel" Kroese, Brent Diggs, Mark A. Rayner and Andy Fanton- were simultaneously on the vanguard carving niches, pioneering concepts, forging the future and doing all the hard work. At this time I was still tooling around aimlessly; the first gratuitously "funny" blog I ever followed was Fafblog!, and that wasn't until roughly late 2005.
Seventh: Don Lewis of It's A Funny Thing wasn't in the above list only because his blog is so young. I was a huge fan of his blog already, and was totally floored when I got the Quality Original Humor Award ... lil pipsqueek Predator Press was maybe getting 20 hits a week at that time.
Eighth: Terri. I most certainly would have quit before if not for my longest-running and ardent fan. She has proofed -out loud- virtually everything you have ever read here (so's my surpisingly poor spelling and writing aren't quite as evident). Further, she is a brilliant writer on her own, and helps me think of ways to "funny stuff up" when those lazy kids every once in a while fail to do so.
And I'm keeping her Don ... Don't get any "Funny" ideas ... :)
Ninth: I hope God has a soft spot in His Heart for funny mortals 'cuz I was pretty messed up. But in the words of the Deftones, "God bless you all for the song you saved us ... God bless you all on Earth."
So where were we?
Oh yeah.
The beginning.
[LOBO]
Written retrospectively on 05/20/08.
... If you're reading this, I must be dead.
Sometime in mid-2004, "Ethan" and I got very drunk and surly.
-Wait. I have to back up a little.
AS a single college grad, I was already burned out on the music business.
Numerous band breakups -and a staggering lack of talent- had understandably not culminated into much over the years, and I was growing vaguely aware that I was just picking at it like an old scab ... more out of habit and routine than any other reason.
Acutely attuned to the fact that "the minute you became unable to reinvent yourself is the minute you became old," I tried. Unfortunately this lead to various other bad incarnations as well; soon I found myself thousands of miles from a "home" that no longer existed, and embroiled in a crippling, spiteful divorce.
It got worse before it got better. A previously undetected broken vertebra from my youth had calcified, and for two years I wallowed in an untreatable agonizing cesspool of pain medications, depression and self-pity. I'm sure I wasn't very nice or pleasant all the time either; I remember once growling tearfully at "Ethan" -one of the few friends I had left- that "I absolutely refuse to be crippled!"
And then one day it just stopped.
I could walk.
I could sleep.
-I can't really offer a medical explanation because frankly I never looked back; I just quit the meds and useless doctor appointments and moved on. And while I have my doubts that God played a hand in my miserable existence, who knows? "Miracles" is a real word. I looked it up.
The most likely explanation, however, is that my bosses finally got wind of my injury as it was increasingly difficult to hide, and I was promptly "let go". After a few months away from the brutal physical demands of that job, I unexpectedly grew gradually healthier, had some idle time, and decided maybe hard labor's time had come and gone for me.
But over those two horrifying, hobbled years, besides my job I did little anyone could classify as "useful". Between fits of bitching and moaning after work I played video games and wrote a little here and there in my spare time. A Fairy Tale was drafted about then. I also tinkered with a website called High Abusive.com, but it was directionless and uninspired: the concept was to run a 24/7 webcam in an abandoned warehouse where we hosted live bands, parties, and did interviews. Or interviewed partying live bands. Whatever.
But suddenly broke, I lost permissions for the abandoned warehouse and then finally my ill-conceived and woefully underdeveloped url.
Under my own navigation, this chapter would have closed forever.
It was "Ethan" who repeatedly pushed me back into the pool. He said "Let's do a blog!" and so we did a blog. He said "You gotta read this guy!" and so I read that guy. Ethan, in fact, is the first poster on this blog.
But as someone who has dabbled in Journalism, I wasn't particularly impressed with "blogging" as God -at the time- intended it. I was used to more expository stuff. And heck you could say virtually anything on these websites ... !
And then something clicked.
It suddenly dawned on me that it was okay to lie here: this wasn't like newspapers, magazines or television. No one ever seemed to care when someone said something patently false.
Subsequently I decided if I was going to lie, I wasn't going to do some pansy little teeny-weenie bullshit lie: I was going to tell the biggest, most fantastic far-fetched epic boldfaced lie the Earth has ever seen.
So fine. Go and read the whole thing in order if you must. It's pretty boring at first while getting my "blog-legs", but I stand by it.
But first let me give you my caveats.
My Seven (or so) Deadly Caveats:
First: Nothing in this blog is true -except if you laugh, in which case I've stumbled into something you recognize in yourself. So if it's true, it's your own damn fault.
Second: The only thing unique here is the writing. Even the formatting was either pilfered or done at the advice of other people. And I've lifted countless pictures left and right -without permission- to illustrate some stories and posts. In advance, my apologies for this. If you see your picture used and I haven't figured out how to give you a credit, it's likely because I couldn't find you. Email me at carpenoctum at hotmail.com with "YOU THIEF!!" in the subject field, and I'll either make you happy or remove it entirely.
-Oh wait. I'm dead now. So pthhbtt!
Third: While I've certainly taken liberties with some public figures and realities as we know them, some of the stories are based loosely on 'real' circumstances. In these cases, all names were changed to protect the guilty.
Fourth: I'm a notoriously pisspoor commenter, and this blog forgives you from being the same. I'm just glad you showed up.
Fifth: No animals were harmed in the pursuit of this blog ... except maybe Phil when she got her rabies shots.
Sixth: While I fucked off, some of my current influences -the heavyweights of the "Humor Blog" spectrum such as Rob "Diesel" Kroese, Brent Diggs, Mark A. Rayner and Andy Fanton- were simultaneously on the vanguard carving niches, pioneering concepts, forging the future and doing all the hard work. At this time I was still tooling around aimlessly; the first gratuitously "funny" blog I ever followed was Fafblog!, and that wasn't until roughly late 2005.
Seventh: Don Lewis of It's A Funny Thing wasn't in the above list only because his blog is so young. I was a huge fan of his blog already, and was totally floored when I got the Quality Original Humor Award ... lil pipsqueek Predator Press was maybe getting 20 hits a week at that time.
Eighth: Terri. I most certainly would have quit before if not for my longest-running and ardent fan. She has proofed -out loud- virtually everything you have ever read here (so's my surpisingly poor spelling and writing aren't quite as evident). Further, she is a brilliant writer on her own, and helps me think of ways to "funny stuff up" when those lazy kids every once in a while fail to do so.
And I'm keeping her Don ... Don't get any "Funny" ideas ... :)
Ninth: I hope God has a soft spot in His Heart for funny mortals 'cuz I was pretty messed up. But in the words of the Deftones, "God bless you all for the song you saved us ... God bless you all on Earth."
So where were we?
Oh yeah.
The beginning.
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