9/11 Trials: Now All We Need Is A Jury

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So where do we get twelve people that don’t know about September 11?

“Juror Number Nine,” says the attorney, pushing his glasses back on his nose. “Where exactly have you been for the last eight years?”

“I was chained down in a hole, where a masked French guy in a dress fired a staple gun at me while singing show tunes.”

“Okay you're cool,” says the attorney, checking a box on his clipboard. “How about you Number Ten?”

“I was firing staples and singing show tunes at a gentleman I had chained down in a hole.”

“Nice dress,” observes the attorney. “But can you serve? You seem like a very busy guy.”

“Oui, monsieur. I am all out of staples.”

“Alright, you're in," the attorney nods. "What about you, Number Eleven?”

“¿Qué pasa?”

"Perfect. Twelve?"

"I was shipwrecked on an uncharted island, somewhere off of the coast of Guam."

The attorney frowns.

"Doesn't that call your citizenship into question?"

Christmas? AGAIN!?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I told Terri we shouldn't take last year's Christmas tree down -and just like I predicted, pow, they're havin another one already.

[*sigh*]

... Our lives would be so much easier if she just listened to me once in a while.

So Long, Suckers -I'm RICH!

-or "Disposable Outcome"

Predator Press

[LOBO]

From: CBN (cntrlbankofnigeria@gmail.com)
Sent: Mon 11/16/09 1:36 AM
To: [none]

Good day,

This is to notify you that after we met today with The President,Finance Minister,The senators,House of Representative and The Central Bank Governor and we came to a conclusion that we have to pay you the sum of USD1.5M.

The payment will be via ATM CARD,therefore send your name and address/tel. number.

Your immediate respond is urgently needed.

Mailafia.


From: LOBO
Sent: Tues 11/17/09 8:36 PM
To: From cbn (cntrlbankofnigeria@gmail.com)


Dearest Mailifia,

First let me express how overwhelmed I am at such an impressive collection of dignitaries that owe me money. It doesn’t happen very often –indeed, my mail is so full of indignants, I might have overlooked this entirely.

Without meaning to offend, would you be so kind as to prompt my memory as to who you are? The name ’Mailifia’ doesn’t ring a bell. Is that Jewish? There’s a Jewish guy out here that makes cool movies, but Steven Spielberg doesn’t return my calls ... and has thus far returned every screenplay I’ve sent him doodled with pornography and smelling suspiciously like urine.

And I don’t offhand remember many business dealings in Nigeria –in fact I don’t really have any idea where Nigeria even is geographically. So-Cal maybe? There was this one time I had to drive through Memphis and had to stop for gas. I bought 9 gallons, a bag of Funyuns, and a box of Chicklets. I was fully an hour away before I discovered that the Chicklets weren’t in the bag, and solemnly swore from that moment forward I would never leave the United States ever again.

Is this my Chicklet refund, plus accrued interest? I must say if you have gone through all this trouble to track me down and “make things right,” it might change my low opinion of foreigners -particularly ones too dumb to move out of their third world, backwater provinces- and vastly improve our diplomatic relations.

Visa # 9748-5099-1818-7707

MasterCard # 8080-7891-4504-9909

The MasterCard is actually my wife’s, but she’s cool. Both accounts only contain a few thousand dollars so you might need the ‘PIN’ numbers too, so the bank doesn't flag this disproportionately large deposit: they are both “7984.”

In the spirit of global peace, I accept this gesture from the Great Nation of Tennessee. May our countries enjoy many years of mutual prosperity, and the time where we bomb the crap out of you be far, far in the distant future.

-LOBO

Editorial: There Are Far Too Many Firemen

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, with such a volatile housing market, how can America get out of economic stagnation and staggering international debt?"

Well, I'm glad you asked me this.

See, the biggest problem America faces is wasted money pissed away fruitlessly due to sheer bureaucratic governmental inertia.

Take the Fire Department, for instance. I mean Jesus, how many firemen do we really need?

Look around you. Do you see any fires?

I, for one, am sick to death of watching my tax money frittered away on this Liberal fraternity of do-nothings. These guys are so lazy, they have beds! Beds people! You read that correctly! When's the last time you saw an honest, hard-working truck driver with a bed where he works for instance? Or Emergency Room doctors? Hm? Does the guy making my french fries at Burger King get naps while on the job?

No.

Why?

Becuase he's doing something important, god damn it!

Somewhere in this great nation, at this very moment, a fireman is snoozing away our very future.

Clearly, there are far too many firemen milking on the teat of my hard-earned money, and this is just another Left Wing fiscal debacle. The time has come to face the readily available facts: we should get rid of the beds, cut our entire fire department staff down to a skeleton crew, and jazz the lucky few left up 24/7 with steroids and PCP instead.

And there you have it.

You read it here first.

[Note: to further publicize this idea, I'm one of the three Uber-Firemen pictured above. Guess which one is me!]

The Myth of the Female Orgasm

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Huh,” says my oldest son. “Smells good. What is that?”

“Chicken noodle soup.”

Skeptically, he digs into the thick fluid with the wooden spoon. “What’s in it?”

“Chicken. And noodles.”

"Blech," he grimaces, spotting the carrots and celery.

"Sorry," I says. "I forgot about the 'soup' part."

“I’ll just get something later.”

“So what are you guys going to be doing?”

“I dunno,” he shrugs, sliding into his jacket. “Hanging out.”

“Yeah, okay,” I says incredulously. “Listen. When I was your age, my mom -your grandma- gave me some advice, and I still use it. She said, ‘Always remember, men are only after one thing.’”

“What does that mean?”

“That’s all she said,” I reply walking him to the door. “I took it as some kind of warning. What she has against sleep isn’t clear, but she’s the unhappiest woman I’ve ever known.”

Diamond Cutter

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Maybe he was really busy,” Terri offers.

“Too busy to be a decent human being?” I says, staring at the monitor. “I don’t buy it. I’ve got plenty of time, and I’m a lousy human being.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“This was an attack,” I insist. “He planned the whole thing.”

“Okay. So you’re argument is the guy wrote two books just to screw with your blog.”

“Indeed,” I says. “He coulda had a crack team of insurgents write those books for him. You want books? I'll bet with right terrorist connections, you could get your hands on, like, three books. They have training camps for this sort of thing in Afghanistan."

“Wait. What-?”

"If you get ‘em young enough," I continue, "you can brainwash them into doing suicide ‘pie in the face’ gags. It’s diabolical, but it’s the same strategy we used when we invaded Pearl Harbor." I shake my head solemnly. "No wonder those bastards hate us.”

"Have you slept?"

“What? Need more proof you say? Look at this,” I says, pointing at the screen. “November 11. Like September 11. ‘Cept worse –nobody told me I ‘email like a girl’ on September 11.”

Using ALT and TAB, I flip to my email inbox. "'Email like a girl,'" I mutter. "That’s preposterous.”

“Look, why don’t you take a breather?”

“That is preposterous. Right?”

There’s an awkward silence.

"Ah crap," I scowl. “Would putting pornography in it help?”

There's No Saving This Daylight

Predator Press

[LOBO]

LOBO, I says in my head. The kids don’t go to school for another hour. You should get up, make some coffee, shower and shave.

“Feh!” I manage audibly, rolling over.

Shit.

-I think I sprained my lips.