Predator Press
[LOBO]
Yes it's true: it's here! It's
The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! We know you have been wanting this. We know you have been needing this! We know you have been
yearning for this.
And here it is.
Yippie!
-Stop touching yourself! We are only getting started.
I committed to actually following through with this much-anticipated event immediately after thinking of it a few minutes ago. But the first problem was
Who should host it?
We needed somebody
special. Somebody with the radiant braniosity of, like, a million men. Or seven women. Or like three women and five hundred seventy one thousand four hundred and twenty eight point five men.
Luckily I was standing right there.
-It was
Fate.
So without further adieu, I bring you
The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity!
Category 1: Best '80s Cheerleader Bait
Yes, while most of us were getting our faces rated for PSI durability by virtue of high-velocity underinflated muddy red rubber, these two guys were leaving a string of broken hearts and condoms all across our great nation.
And we all remember those shorts: they were fantastic for Sharon Stone-ing your way from a "C" to an "A" in a particularly tough chemistry class.
Many government agencies regard the subsequent long and twisting track of unwanted children and unpaid child support as
“The Trail of Tears,” and terms of their probation have prevented me from releasing their names.
Category 2: Most Bloggable Hair
To the left we have the indomitable William McCamment of
Dead Rooster. He claims to only use Paul Mitchell products, and describes his technique as "Jumping out the window, and hair spraying it
real fast."
To the right we have Jeff of
View From The Cloud. Clearly being groomed for his long career ahead as the Regional Sales Manager for Pfizer, this is the hair of a guy that can
get shit done.
-Jeff is the only blogger in history to be nominated
twice in
The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! ... he's also in the previous
Best '80s Cheerleader Bait category with the
Unfinished Rambler.
Category 3: Best Faked Death
No, we’re not talking about the much-beloved Doctor Toboggans –we here at
Predator Press have known all along that Doctor Toboggans is perfectly safe ‘n sound in the trunk of that car I left in Mexico a few months ago.
But the elaborate and meticulous planning it took for
Brent Diggs to survive the six best hitmen I could find, having his body burned in the desert, having the ashes tossed into a zinc smelter and then having that zinc smelter launched into the Sun really, really impressed me.
Well done sir!
Bravo.
Category 4: Best Movie Pitch
Hey! How’d
that get in here?
:)
Category 5: Best Posts
It was tough picking out my fave three posts of the year. But I’ve narrowed the list to:
Angry Seafood - "Polygamist Cult Not Attractive Enough to Join"
This riveting exposé dives deep into the seedy underbelly of polygamy and splays it’s steaming entrails all over the linoleum.
Included topics are the downside of inbreeding and it’s inherent adverse effects -such as significantly inhibited recruitment.
neOnbubble - "Make Money Online With Blackmail"
Hats off to a deviously brilliant concept: an anonymous blackmail exchange program. I don’t want to ruin it by going into too much detail, so you’ll have to check this one out yourself.
... and then let the paranoia set in.
Speedcat Hollydale - "Old Towne Speedcat Goin Down the River"
When Speedcat Hollydale announced he was going to release his single
“Old Towne Speedcat Goin Down the River,” legend has it Scott Stapp got over himself and David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen started making out with each other.
But Speedcat would have
none of that: instead of muscling his Les Paul and Marshall stacks into the studio, Speedcat does is solo and acapella from his very
own kitchen.
Personally, I think this has way more influence on modern music than Kurt Cobain
ever did.
Category 6: Predator Press 2008 MAN OF THE YEAR
Look I
know all that happened in 2007. But
Predator Press didn’t
have these awards in 2007! And trust me, I combed over 2008 -
nothing this year nudged him out.
I consider Larry Craig
undefeated.
You may remember Larry Craig as being in, oh, say the House of Representatives … but it’s infinitely more likely you remember him from what he called a “highly heterosexual miscommunication brought on by some bathroom discomfort.”
Larry -who inadvertently put the 'key' in 'keyster'- spawned a cottage industry of “I Have A Wide Stance” t-shirts that still make me laugh hysterically every time I see one.
Anywho there you have them: LOBO’s picks for 2008. But I didn't want to leave anyone out: we're
all winners here:
Another seismic roar, and blood arcs across the window behind them; illuminated by dehumanizing fluorescents, a pale, pink mist fills the air. Dismembered chunks of flesh and bone slide and fall wet into a growing pool of human viscera.
