[LOBO]I'm silent.
Undetectable.
--and it was Mr. Submarine Ninja's last mistake to underestimate my stealth and guile.
"Shit!" he screams, sprawling in the darkness. "LOBO, what the fuck?"
"Doc Mike?" I says aghast. "You're a submarine ninja?"
"A what? What the hell is going on here?" he demands.
"Well, thanks to your catlike reflexes, now I have to get up to break your neck." I grunt while climbing to my feet --this martial arts stuff is really tough work. "Where are you? Hold still."
Doc flips the switch, and searing light blinds me. "C'mon Doc," I implore. "No dirty tricks. I would've expected you to die with some dignity."
"Why were you sprawled out on the floor like that in the dark?"
"You, my so-called-friend, have fallen prey to one of my deadliest moves. I call it the Bloated Starfish."
"I tripped on you!"
"Fell victim."
"Tripped!"
"Yeah, okay," I says, rolling my eyes. "Whatever".
"What have you done to your apartment?"
"I've converted it into my Dojo. I figured having a lot of trophies around would make me more menacing."
"Where'd you get them?"
"Garage sales," I says.
Doc inspects an inscription: it reads 'World's Greatest Dad'.
"So the neon sign out front that reads 'Chinese Food Restaurant' isn't a mistake?"
"That sign I stole says 'Chinese Food Restaurant'?" I says, deflated. "I was really hoping it would say 'LOBO's School of Bone-Crushing, Testicle-Ripping, Deadly Self Defense Art.'"
"No," sighs Doc. "It says 'Chinese Food Restaurant'."
"Odds were equally good," I point out, "that the sign would have read 'LOBO's School of Bone-Crushing, Testicle-Ripping, Deadly Self Defense Art'."
"It's in English too," says Doc. "Right under the Kanji."
"Maybe they're not bilingual," I offer.
"LOBO, Ethan asked me to check on you," says Doc. "Says your talking crazy. Something about submarine ninjas."
I guffaw. "Crazy like a Peking Duck Master," I point out. Cautiously I approach the window, and stare out into the inky silence. "--but they're out there. I can sense their movements." Grabbing a flashlight off the shelf, I stab light into the parking lot below and yell, "Hear that you bastards!? I can sense your movements you know!"
"LOBO," says Doc. "I think you've finally-"
"Oh my GOD," I exclaim.
"What is it?" asks Doc, startled.
"Someone opened a Chinese Food Restaurant here!"
