Lights Out

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I have never been hit so hard.

Seriously.

You know how your whole head lights up and you smell this almost-electrical bone and blood smell, and then you're just completely gone?

That Phoebe has a mean left hook.

Please don't let ... Orlando ... administer ... CPR ...

Disorientation

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Fritz!" Jimmy Orlando wailed, falling to his knees at the news. "Oh my God, not Fritz!"

"Who is Fritz?" LOBO whispers to Brighta.

"Fritz was Jimmy's," he does quote marks in the air with his fingers, "Life Partner."

"Well what happened to the poor bastard?"

"He was the Commander of the Johnson, and killed in the line of duty during a recent troop deployment. Didn't you see any of this in the news?"

"Uh," I says. "Nope."

A prostrate Jimmy Orlando, heaving loud sobs as he wept, was absolutely uncontrollable with grief. Princess Phoebe held him, rocking slowly and drying his tears with a tissue.

I nudged him with my foot. "Dude, if you keep blubbering like this, people are going to think you're gay or something."

Orientation

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

I thought maybe I could help Max 'acclimate' to his new world by explaining his predecessor to some degree. LOBO's itinerary included picking up his repaired lawn mower from Sears, so I tried to offer some insights and observations on the way.

Fascinated by the modern and alien surroundings, Max didn't say a word until we were at the counter. "This LOBO character doesn't sound very responsible. I'm a little impressed that he even owns a lawn mower."

"Me too," I admitted. "Especially since he ripped out the lawn two years ago and laid down green linoleum. Now once or twice a month he just hoses the beer cans off into the gutter."

The clerk wheeled out the new-looking John Deere. "There's no charge," says the guy. "Tell LOBO that this mower will last for years if he stops using it to make daiquiri ice. The only thing wrong with it was a defective diaphragm. It was messing up the fuel intake."

I looked at Max waiting.

Max looked back at me, confused.

"This is where LOBO would say something like 'See, I'm so virile my lawn mower needs a diaphragm'."

This is going to be tough. I can tell.

Pedigree

Predator Press

[LOBO]

First of all, my ex-wife is a magnificent woman, and I hope that she is enjoying the happiness that she deserves.

And notably, I was briefly in Hell. So --what with the time distortion and all-- I had an eternity to rethink the whole relationship over and over, to try to find some way to make amends for being a total and complete insensitive bastard the entire time: If you see her, please tell her that I'm very very very very very very very very very very very very sorry.

And if it's any consolation, this bodyswitching crap hurts more than it did either time Tupac shot me.

I fumbled and staggered to stand and look in the mirror. Strangely, "CONAN the BARBARIAN" was scrawled accross the top.

Well, I thought. At least this guy is almost as buff as me.

After a few long moments, Princess Phoebe piped up. "Brighta, why is Max flexing at the Arnold Schwarzenegger poster?"

Vexed in Biolence

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Our email read:

"Dear Boss,

Everything is great. We balanced the budget: even excluding the eight cents made in May, you stand to make around two hundred thousand a year starting now.

All bills are already paid. In fact, we paid the next four years of Predator Press taxes in advance.

There's not much to do except count all this money over and over. Sapphire got a tattoo, but we already wrote it off in 2008.

We were hoping for the office Christmas party in the Cayman Islands this year.

Sincerely,

The remaining Predator Press Staff"


***

Ethan's eyebrows furrowed ... the email clearly smelled of Pina Coladas and sunscreen.

He pushed himself back from the desk and rubbed his temples under stylish, reflective, interactive x-ray vision sunglasses.

"A profit?" he wondered aloud.

"What the hell happened to LOBO?"

Predatory Nature

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

Sure enough. After two and a half years of more-or-less innocent blogging, LOBO makes an ex-wife joke during a séance and here comes Satan.

"LOBO" says Satan, well-fanged multiple heads swinging, snapping at him from all angles.

"I put the toilet seat down!" cried LOBO, shielding his eyes from the furious, bloodthirsty tempest.

Satan paused. "I'M NOT YOUR EX WIFE, DUMBASS."

LOBO cautiously peeked through his fingers at the scaly, seven-headed thing dripping blood from jagged teeth. "Oh thank Jesus God!" he says. "You really had me going there."

"YOU HAVE INVOKED AN EX-WIFE JOKE, AND HAVE THUSLY INSULTED MY ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF MARKETING WHO REPORTS DIRECTLY TO JOSEF STALIN."

"Is Marilyn Monroe still hot--?"

"SILENCE!" Satan demanded. "AS YOU HAVE SINNED, I CAN FULFIL THE DEAL WITH MAXIMILLAIN HECTORUS DEXALLIUM. HAVING SOLD HIS SOUL FOR THE HAPPINESS OF PRINCESS PHOEBE, YOU WILL NOW EXCHANGE BODIES AND LIVE HAPPILY FOREVERAFTER."

"Does he have high speed internet?"

"YES, BUT HE USES A MACINTOSH."

LOBO screamed.

Predator Press

[Mr. Insanity]

So we're all holding hands in a small circle.

"Jim," asks LOBO into the darkness. "Are you there?"

"Yes," says Legless Jim. "I'm holding your fucking hand, you idiot!"

LOBO gasps. "It really is Jim! Nobody other than Jim would know that I'm an idiot."

We all opened an eye and looked at each other.

"Jiiiiiiiimmmm," LOBO says with a ghostly Scooby Doo waiver in his voice. "We are calling from the land of the liviiiing ..."

"Yeah, if you say so," says Jim between Fritos.

"So is Marilyn Monroe still hot?"

"I guess," Jim shrugged. "If you're into skinny white chicks." Getting up, he slipped LOBO's hand into Sapphire's and headed for the kitchen. "Is there any more beer?"

"Jiiiiimmm," says LOBO. "You're fadiiiing away from us. Are you going towards the light?"

Jim grabs a beer. "Hey!" he says. "This is fuckin warm--"

"Oh my God Jim," says Sapphire, suddenly crushing LOBO's hand. "Stay away from the light!"

"Go to the light!" LOBO insists, wincing in pain. "And tell my ex-wife I said 'hey'!"