A Long Time Ago On An Armchair Far, Far Away ...

 

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Like any other Star Wars fan, I have been "chasing the dragon" for another good movie since The Empire Strikes Back.  And in anticipation of my next "fix," I find myself occasionally tracking news on the next film.

Plot rumors aside I know Disney purchased the franchise, and this move has come with mixed reviews from die hard fans.  But I'm fine with that personally.  Disney is a class act.  And if you dig into Disney's food chain deep enough, you'll find Quentin Tarantino; Disney is perfectly capable of delivering a darker vehicle than the fluff we have been getting for decades.

I have also confirmed the production company Bad Robot -whose resume includes little-known projects such as Cloverfield and Lost- is onboard.  Toss in J.J. Abrams, and I am growing cautiously optimistic.  And as a recovering Star Wars-oholic on my 9th step ("Making Amends"), I have George Lucas on speed dial.

But as for my next injection of the saga, I'm not exactly tying the rubber strap to my upper arm just yet.  The problem with the series evolution as it stands, in my opinion, is centered around a failure in character development, and -perhaps even moreover- casting.  The serendipitous and captivating personalities developed by Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, et cetera, have given way to unwarranted celebrity cameos.  If you recall, even the beloved and cantankerous Millennium Falcon had a personality ... but everyone since that original cast might as well be wearing "good guy" and "bad guy" nametags.  We need more character complexity and nuance; no one has been particularly memorable -at least not in a good way.  Perhaps this is an unwanted byproduct of playing against a blue screen instead of using actual sets.

And speaking of that, I also want the original "feel," back.  It's too polished now, sort of devolving into a CGI special effects catalog.  It was better when the universe of Star Wars seemed like a rental apartment -the Matrix-esque gloss is inescapable.  I like that the ships and droids looked all banged up.  People looked tired and well-worn.  It was a used, "lived in" universe, simultaneously textured with haggard decline and rebirth in random patches.  Like real life.

Ironically, technology seems to have made Star Wars lose its soul.

On This Day In Predator Press History

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On August 25, 1980, while General Zod made his play for control of the Earth, I wore down Ursa's morale by covering her MySpace with anonymous obscenities and slanderous allegations about her sexual proclivities; General Zod had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and this undermined his entire military effort.

Thanks to me (and a small supporting role by Superman), Zod, his "army," and his hairline were all soon receding into the furthest reaches of outer space.

And can you really be a "general" if your entire army is only three people?

-Pthbttt. As if!

Could Jesus Take Mike Tyson?

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Once again, at no small expense to you, we here at Predator Press have set out to settle an age-old question burning in everyone’s mind: Could Jesus take Mike Tyson?





Records:

“Iron” Mike Tyson: First heavyweight boxer to simultaneously hold (and only Heavyweight to individually unify) the WBA, WBC and IBF titles.





Jesus Christ: Messiah, King of Kings, Lamb of God.




Advantage: Jesus

Weight:

We’re going to make the assumption that both competitors are in their prime. This means that Tyson, a heavyweight at 220 pounds, might have an edge on our rock-ribbed Messiah who is oft depicted as being on the lighter end of the weight class spectrum and could walk on water. Minus definitive height information, we’re going to call JC a welterweight.

But larger size comes at the expense of energy and speed. JC’s leaner build makes him more efficient. If JC could avoid any serious blows in the first few rounds, Tyson would likely have expended himself physically fairly early on. Couple this strategy with JC consistently working the body, and over a long enough timeline Tyson’s condition would diminish, making him vulnerable in later rounds.

Advantage: Jesus


Speed:

There’s no real need to mince about on this one. Tyson won his first 19 fights by knockout, and 14 of those were knockouts in the first round. However according to the Bible, Jesus moonlights from his Messiah gig as a prophet; thus, no matter how fast Tyson is, JC is going to be way ahead, anticipating where and when to block, dodge, and counterpunch.

Advantage: Jesus

Intangibles:

While there’s technically nothing in official boxing rules regarding torrents of frogs and plagues of locusts, one must factor in potential supernatural activities including interference by JC’s Dad.  God, while often taking a “hands off” approach to parenting, has also historically demonstrated Himself to be ill-tempered [see Sodom, Gomorrah]. In fact if the fight is to occur in Las Vegas, I am simply going to watch it on Pay-Per-View.

Other troublesome considerations are JC’s pacifist nature and tendency to “turn the other cheek,” something Tyson would most certainly exploit. Countering this, however, is JC’s ability to heal: JC was often cited for curing disease, blindness, et cetera.  But it is unclear whether he could use this ability on himself.  Would boxing gloves create an insulation rendering the “Laying on Hands” impossible? Or worse, what if Tyson is being healed by every blow, or sheer or proximity?

Advantage: Jesus

300 Ponies

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Intenet Swag

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Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome

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Dear Mr. Steven Spielberg,

As your bodyguards continue to remind me, this is in direct violation of my Temporary Restraining Order. But I cannot in good conscience let you miss out on this script, and the other ones I sent you came back smelling suspiciously like urine. My mailman probably stole the check you issued.

Enclosed is the first three chapters of my screenplay Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome.  While one thousand six hundred and seven pages might seem a bit cumbersome, please remember that they are double-spaced for your reading convenience.

To summarize, Joaquin Phoenix reprises his role as Johnny Cash who has risen from the dead in a post-apocalyptic world due to bad Tina Turner music. Then he becomes a Rabbi and is forced to kick the shit out of Mad Max (portrayed by Mel Gibson).

Humiliated, Mad Max is forced underground and forges an uneasy alliance with Batman and the “A” Team: together they create a the Death Dradle which threatens to wipe out Thunderdome which -while redundant- meanaces however many extras we can pick up fast and “on the cheap.”

Alerted to the Death Dradle’s sinister purpose, the population of Thunderdome rally behind Johnny, and the six of them design and create a lethal countermeasure: The Aurora Menorah. This plan –essentially throwing sand and scorpions at anyone with a Mohawk hairstyle- is doomed to failure however: the Mohawk guys have invisible motorcycles and guns.

Johnny Cash -now known as "Snake"- is captured, and Thunderdome is immediately retaken by Max. But Johnny’s last wish before his execution is to play an invisible guitar, and he plays a song so bluesy and sad Batman –his guard- hangs himself with his own BatCables™ . Johnny, after administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on Batman and triggering numerous lawsuits from DC Comics, escapes with the aid of his newfound pet rat Ben and continues on with his plan to assassinate Hitler.

Fleeing into the desert, Johnny is beset by visions and memories of his past life, realizing he died fairly definitively in the movie Walk the Line.

-Indeed, Johnny must be the world’s first musical Jewish zombie!

And if anti-Semitic Mad Max was going to be defeated, Johnny has to learn to set aside his overpowering musical Jewish zombie craving for brains: this sets the stage for some fantastic Oscar-worthy performances:



DIALOGUE EXCERPT

“Ben,” says tormented Johnny. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How the fuck could I know?” says the rat (voiced by Bruce Willis).

“Can’t I have just a little bit of brains?”

“No,” says Ben. “It’s a strict discipline.”

“But I caught you eating my bicep yesterday! Can I at least lick the brain spoon after you put the chocolate chips and sprinkles in it?”

“Let me have the bicep and I’ll think it over.”

“Done. Here.”

“No,” says Ben between chews. "Now get on your invisible motorcycle. Tina Turner just issued a press release calling you Bigfoot's Manifesto."

END DIALOGUE EXCERPT

Steven, I have no doubt you -the premier visionary Director of the Twentieth Centurion- see immediately in the genius of this script. Please call me to begin negotiations at 555-999-5150.

And hurry up.

-It’s a payphone.

What If Ed Wood Made Star Wars?

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