Thursday

The Reaper Grim

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Occasionally my job takes me downstate.

And I don't really mind.  When time permits, I'll even take the back roads instead of I-57. While from the map it looks a boring plaid, the corn farmers plant lavender on the roadsides; you can see the purple-edged road wind over mild hills almost to the horizon. Last week a crop duster "buzzed" me -I was both exhilarated and terrified frankly.  I thought he was crashing.

Inspired by the weather, I took my motorcycle this time.  It's a respectable 929cc crotch rocket I acquired recently during an intersection of "bargain" and "random circumstance" instead of personal taste.

But this is exactly what brought on my encounter with the rider in black.

Male presumably.  But this rider is always so thoroughly covered in black leather and high-tech looking protective gear, I couldn't tell you the color of his skin.  The bike, also completely black, is a make I don't recognize despite numerous attempts.  It is enviously cool.  This driver's signature, however, is that he usually blows by me at some freakish speed right around the same time and same place every day.

But today he slips into the lane beside me and revs his engine twice.

I rev back.

Race.

He gives universal "watch for cops" hand signals, and counts down from three with his fingers.

-And he is gone.  A spec on the horizon.

I grin as I rip through my own gears in pursuit.  As the engine roars underneath me, and I am lost in the road completely.  A glance at the speedometer has me at 156 miles an hour, however even that slight nod has my sunglasses being ripped from my face by the wind.  Miraculously I catch them, and as I struggle them back to my nose I smell and taste melting steel, smoke, and rubber -while being pelted with a painful mist of particulate matter.

Shrapnel.

The rider in black had crashed ahead.

-And I was screaming up on the accident scene.

I was so close behind him the debris field was still spreading.  The combine and the two cars involved in the accident were still lurching to a stop as I weaved through the macabre event still taking place untouched, almost as if I were a rumor or a ghost; someone deaf who had blinked would never have known I was ever there at all.

As for the driver, what I caught a glance of I hope to soon forget.

At least until I go to work tomorrow.



Tuesday

I Have Decided to Join a Secret Society

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I know! Isn’t that cool? Now when people see me, they will whisper stuff like:

”Psst ... isn’t that LOBO?”

”That really handsome dude wrestling the grizzly bear?”

“Yes. I heard he is a member of a secret society!”


Man, I am jazzed about joining too. Ever since George Bush Junior got his big break from ‘Skull and Bones,’ all the other cool people are doing it: Kipling had the ‘Freemasons,’ Doctor Tundra has ‘The Cult of the Claw,’ and Charles Watson had the Manson Family -ah the list just goes on and on.

Which one should I join? I don’t know yet. In fact the afore mentioned list pretty much sums up all the secret societies I’m aware of -and by virtue of me being aware of them, these particular societies don't seem very good at keeping themselves secret. And what kind of business model is that?

What I need is a secret society where the members themselves don’t know I’m in it. Even better, so secret even I don’t know if I’m in it ... kinda like the one I have going with actor Michael Dorn and whoever the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers is. Whenever Michael Dorn, the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I cross paths we exchange a series of knowing looks. Mind you I have no idea what Michael Dorn and the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers might be up to at the time, but I’m with them 100% whatever it is.

So technically, I suppose, I’m already a member of a secret society; I’ll have to ensure my new one doesn’t have a conflict of interest –or worse, a redundancy- of my first. Secret society juggling can be a tricky endeavor when you don’t know what either secret society is doing ... probably my best bet is to lure the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers into a secret society of our own, within the other secret society.

-I don’t know about you, but Michael Dorn plays a Klingon a little too good.

Know what I mean?

Monday

The Final Cut

or, "I Have a Dream ... Somewhere."

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When the spot on your body that hurts the least has a pallet splinter in it, I suppose it's time one examines one's past decisions. Now couple that with working under a tin roof in triple digit weather for a third the pay I made three years ago, and realize I could spend decades assigning blame for that too.

Meh, screw it. Maybe I'll go back to school. I wanted to major in Philosophy, my first academic love, but before I graduated my guidance counselor freaked out. "At least major in Liberal Arts," he cried. "You'll never make a dime with a degree in Philosophy!"

Oh, the sweet irony.

-I should have that fucker killed.

Monday

Period

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I know you millions and millions of throngs of Predator Press throngs see this post off and on as "Internet Swag." But this band -this song in particular- deserves to exist on Predator Press somewhere in perpetuity.

Truth be told it's a sore spot that draws a lot of unwanted commentary, and that's why it keeps getting deleted. But it carried me through a lot last year, and LOBO is now entering the "Middle Ages."

[*sigh*]

Why is everything so dark?

It makes it really hard to see if any kids are on my lawn.



NO FOO FOR YOU!

Sunday

iwantone.exe


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Everyone laughed when I gave them the list of what I wanted for my Birthday back in February. "Sure we can get you a pony," they would scoff. "But the LOST smoke monster doesn't even exist."

Thank GOD for my friend Flandsa Ha’asasanba who happened to answer my Customer Service call to VISA.

Fuck VISA "Platinum" -for the paltry sum all of Terri's banking info, I got a Visa UNOBTANIUM card. And the pony arrives tomorrow.

-Jesus I hope the smoke monster eats ponies.