I Have Decided to Join a Secret Society

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I know! Isn’t that cool? Now when people see me, they will whisper stuff like:

”Psst ... isn’t that LOBO?”

”That really handsome dude wrestling the grizzly bear?”

“Yes. I heard he is a member of a secret society!”

Man, I am jazzed about joining too. Ever since George Bush Junior got his big break from ‘Skull and Bones,’ all the other cool people are doing it: Kipling had the ‘Freemasons,’ Doctor Tundra has ‘The Cult of the Claw,’ and Charles Watson had the Manson Family -ah the list just goes on and on.

Which one should I join? I don’t know yet. In fact the afore mentioned list pretty much sums up all the secret societies I’m aware of -and by virtue of me being aware of them, these particular societies don't seem very good at keeping themselves secret. And what kind of business model is that?

What I need is a secret society where the members themselves don’t know I’m in it. Even better, so secret even I don’t know if I’m in it ... kinda like the one I have going with actor Michael Dorn and whoever the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers is. Whenever Michael Dorn, the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I cross paths we exchange a series of knowing looks. Mind you I have no idea what Michael Dorn and the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers might be up to at the time, but I’m with them 100% whatever it is.

So technically, I suppose, I’m already a member of a secret society; I’ll have to ensure my new one doesn’t have a conflict of interest –or worse, a redundancy- of my first. Secret society juggling can be a tricky endeavor when you don’t know what either secret society is doing ... probably my best bet is to lure the current guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers into a secret society of our own, within the other secret society.

-I don’t know about you, but Michael Dorn plays a Klingon a little too good.

Know what I mean?

The Final Cut

or, "I Have a Dream ... Somewhere."

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When the spot on your body that hurts the least has a pallet splinter in it, I suppose it's time one examines one's past decisions. Now couple that with working under a tin roof in triple digit weather for a third the pay I made three years ago, and realize I could spend decades assigning blame for that too.

Meh, screw it. Maybe I'll go back to school. I wanted to major in Philosophy, my first academic love, but before I graduated my guidance counselor freaked out. "At least major in Liberal Arts," he cried. "You'll never make a dime with a degree in Philosophy!"

Oh, the sweet irony.

-I should have that fucker killed.

If The Bat Wants To Play, We'll Play

Predator Press

Hot Lead, Cold Sweat (Rx)

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Period

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I know you millions and millions of throngs of Predator Press throngs see this post off and on as "Internet Swag." But this band -this song in particular- deserves to exist on Predator Press somewhere in perpetuity.

Truth be told it's a sore spot that draws a lot of unwanted commentary, and that's why it keeps getting deleted. But it carried me through a lot last year, and LOBO is now entering the "Middle Ages."

[*sigh*]

Why is everything so dark?

It makes it really hard to see if any kids are on my lawn.



NO FOO FOR YOU!

iwantone.exe

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Everyone laughed when I gave them the list of what I wanted for my Birthday back in February. "Sure we can get you a pony," they would scoff. "But the LOST smoke monster doesn't even exist."

Thank GOD for my friend Flandsa Ha’asasanba who happened to answer my Customer Service call to VISA.

Fuck VISA "Platinum" -for the paltry sum all of Terri's banking info, I got a Visa UNOBTANIUM card. And the pony arrives tomorrow.

-Jesus I hope the smoke monster eats ponies.

It's Official: EVERYTHING Pain in the Ass Now

Predator Press


[LOBO]

"Just because I took you off of Probation doesn't mean I don't still own 51% of Barbarossa Enterprises," I says, menacingly poking my finger into his birdcage chest. "And things like this could get you right back on Probation."

"Well I don't know if you're aware of this," Barbarossa retorts, "but congratulations J.R. Ewing. You are proud owner of 51% of all four seasons of Sealab 2021 on DVD and 100,000 pairs of socks."

"Ah-HA!" I says.

Wait.

-What?

"And don't ask about the sock thing," Barbarossa warns. "I have OCD as a consequence of childhood trauma. If I don't buy socks, I stab people."

Man those must be some pretty cool socks.

"Fine," I demand. "Then we'll start with the socks. I would like my 51% of them immediately. And don't think you're gonna to give me all the crappy socks either -I want all of the left-side ones, and 1,000 right-side of my choice."