A Contest of Wills

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I have concluded that if for some weird reason I should die, something has gone horribly wrong.

While difficult to imagine the concept of mortality and a chiseled phenomena such as myself in tandem, it must at some point come into consideration. Let’s face it: throughout history there is just a shit-ton of creative killing. One might even be forced to conclude that as a species we’re pretty fucking good at it.

Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, LOBO -the thought of future generations dealing with these tragic losses is just depressing. And you know some weird religious sect would pop up -doin crazy rituals and building pyramids an crap- in hopes that I would rise from the dead. Truth be told I hate acoustic guitar: this would be totally unacceptable. If I do rise from the dead, me an Jesus are takin out those weirdo hippies first.

And holy crap, there’s the whole "zombie" possibility. Plus if my formal burial tinfoil hat isn’t aligned properly, there’s the chance of being remotely controlled by intergalactic robot dinosaur overlords or something -to aid in their sinister invasion plans!

-If you think about it, it’s in all Humanity’s interest not to allow or cause my death.

Nevertheless, if it cannot be avoided, I have decided I do not want to be buried or cremated or any of that witchcraft hoodoo.

I want to be detonated.

Instead of just bein plain dead, why can’t we have a little fun? I’ll bet it would be cheaper than all that funeral crap, too. Just dig a 12” X 12” diagonal hole in the ground (to focus the blast trajectory), fill it with explosives, lay my mighty corpse across the top, an pow, launch me mortar-style at something. Not a lot of explosives, mind you: bout six sticks of dynamite should do it -I don’t want to be vaporized per se; I want nice big, healthy chunks to fall down on something poetic of your choosing.*

-We should have a contest!

Gimmie ideas -like having all the parts fall on a PETA meeting during the “Meat is Murder” preamble. How about a Lohan family reunion or a Palin Thanksgiving? Or a Tila Tequila concert?


*Like Adam Carolla, I also want at least one really enormous black woman in pumps throwin herself over my coffin, tearfully wailing through a veil "Why Lawd!? O Lawd why him? Take me instead, Lawd ... !"

Internet Swag

Predator Press

LOBO Prophecy #1: The Future is Dumb Too

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What to Do If You Are Vomiting Blood

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Doubtlessly, if you’re vomiting blood, you will need a few moments to clean off your monitor. In the meantime, I will entertain our healthier readers with my rather lengthy thoughts on Things I Can Live Without.

First, I’m getting tired of the Discovery Channel. How the fuck am I supposed to earnestly look for a job while inundated by reality shows about employed guys getting decapitated fishing?

At least TruTV has the human decency to fake all their "reality" shows about fantasy employed people ... you'll never see those Repo weirdoes get anything vital lopped off. But as for the rest, TruTV? We’re not excited about punks getting busted up on their skateboards anymore: a good excuse to invent better concrete does not a decent cable station make. Don’t you think I would be watching you right now instead of coming up with boring medical breakthroughs?

Speaking of which, if you’re vomiting blood, I suppose you should consider why you are vomiting first -all medical terminology is put in a hierarchy of acuity and lethality. If you‘re blood was vomiting, you would be in far worse shape actually: that is a sign that God hates you so much he is exploding you very slowly. On the downside, you‘ll look like Slim Goodbody. On the upside, you be in all Clive Barker‘s future films.

Since you are only vomiting blood, there‘s probably no reason to panic. Stop the vomiting ASAP. You need that blood. Were you eating something weird like peanut butter and sardine sandwiches? Caramel-coated oyster shells? Were you dipping Oreo cookies in green pea soup? Even the thought of foods like that could likely increase your nausea. I suggest thinking about something more wholesome. Like hot dogs or something.

I have supplied this delectable pastrami sandwich graphic as a helpful visual aide to fight the nausea. Doesn’t that look fucking awesome? I made Barbarossa go get it for me for lunch … Oooooo, I can’t wait. Nothing beats a free pastrami sandwich. Thanks Barbarossa!

In conclusion, if nausea cannot be controlled and you are still vomiting blood, treat it like any other bleeding orifice: a place a band aid over your mouth and nose, and sneak quick short breaths as not to spew bloody puke all over your monitor again. You know what? For the sake of tidiness, you could probably get away with breathing into a Hefty bag or something.

You’re not quite out of the woods yet: with the vomiting under control, you aren’t technically cured until we can stop the bleeding too.

You should probably call 911.

* Update: We at Predator Press regret to inform you that as of immediately after posting this, the pastrami sandwich was technically no longer with us.

[*sniff*]

Brett Favre: 2020 MVP

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Battlefield 2 Server/Clan Ratings

Predator Press

The Big =E= Clan:  ****

(four stars)

Good fights, but only allows 48 players and is touchy regarding the very trash talk they brag about on their homepage.  The hacker control is fairly solid -but with all the cranky ole lady mood swings, I think the "E" is for Estrogen.

But they still let me play there after a big trash-talking scuffle, so +1 star for bein classy.  Just keep yer yap shut, and kill them.

 =TAF= Infantry Clan:  *

(one star)

Hackers are reacted upon on a rare basis -so rare, I think the admin enforces it only to inhibit a win.

Worse, the =TAF= Infantry Clan idles with about 18 non-playing players at any given time, screwing up team balances. But as for the people that are playing? I got booted the other night for "inappropriate language," and I didn't have any dialog going at all. Thinking it was a fluke, I went back days later only to be banned for "grenade spam." Imaginary ordinance -oral or otherwise- isn‘t welcome there. So imagine yourself on a sporting server. You‘ll have a better time.  =TAF= also has an excruciatingly slow lag between rounds.

-I would give it a solid "zero stars," but I've only been playing BF2 for two years now … there has to be a worse server somewhere. Right?

-=TAF= is strictly for the lean on talent, weak of mind.

=BOX= Clan [Brothers of Xemption]:  ****

(four stars)

An excellent, hands off, no hassle server. Not a five-star only because the server only handles 48 players, and it crashes about once a week and does not repopulate quickly. Also idles with numerous players, creating "unbalanced" battles.


Thanks for reading!

I'll update this list periodically, so please check back.

-LOBO aka "slicingdevice"

Leperball

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, with basketball season over and football not yet in full swing, how does a legendary athlete such as yourself spend your leisure time?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.

I’ve always believed that people as gifted and successful as myself should spend a lot of time giving back to the community; encouraging the "less fortunate" that they too might become a chiseled physical phenomena such as myself is exactly the false hope today’s kids need to keep them from dealing drugs, stealing my car, or other things 'the community' generally frowns upon.

With Shark Boxing still tied up in pre-production due to a quagmire of insurance hassles, I generally spend my weekends coaching a pee-wee football team I signed up for Pop Warner called the Starfishes -a spirited and rugged little squad of ‘can do’ types, all afflicted with advanced stages of leprosy.

This is my third year -the first of which I am Federally mandated to because of the “Anti-Discrimination Act”: little Timmy's dad used it to sue me when I puked at the post-game pizza party and tried to resign.

Little Timmy is now quarterback.

His little dad must be so proud ...


Don't forget to check out my 2010 Pre-Drafting Tips!