Heroes Come In All Shapes And IQs

Predator Press

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Is there anything worse than a bored cop?

Seriously?

Wait.

-I should back up a little.

Terri and I got here in California a year ago, and just today got our drivers licenses straightened out. Long story short, we would go to the DMV and they would tell us we needed “X” document. So we would mail for “X” document, receive it weeks or months later, and return to the DMV only to find out we needed “Y” document too.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anywho, Terri picked up a ticket a few months ago because the address on her license wasn’t current. Haha. Ain’t that a kick in the pants? So immediately from the DMV we go to the police station to get the ticket signed. From there, we head for the courthouse to pay the fine.

Now I’ve never been to this courthouse before, and it doesn’t cross my mind we have to go through a metal detector until we’re standing in front of it. Belt, keys, wallet, watch and cellphone are dropped into a little plastic tray, and I proceed to the far end of the X-Ray machine.

“Can I see your cellphone again please?” says the security woman. Talking to Terri and trying to get my belt back on, I hand it to her more on autopilot than anything.

But after a few moments, it appears something is amiss. She’s got my phone out of it’s holster, and staring. Then she looks at the X-Ray screen. Then back at the phone. She calls a nearby police officer over.

“Something wrong?” I ask.

“Well, I can’t figure this out,” she says. Pointing at the screen with her pen, she draws a circle around a globular shape. “What’s that?”

I recognize it. Shit. “That’s not my phone,” I reply reaching for my wallet. “It’s this Tool Logic doohickey.”

"Tool Logic doohickey" is a technical term for a credit card-like set of miniature tools Ethan got for me a few years ago; I slipped it into my wallet, and haven’t thought of it since. It’s got a little set of tweezers, a can opener, and –unfortunately for me- a small blade.

Now enter bored cop.

-Bored cop that now has his hand on his firearm.

“Didn’t you see the red signs everywhere?”

Terri and I look around.

None.

“What red signs?”

“The signs outside that say no weapons in the courthouse.”

I’m perplexed. “Weapon? That’s a tool. It says so right on the side in big bold letters.” I point at the prominent TOOLLOGIC logo. “See? T-O-O-L. And seriously. Who am I going to kill with that? You guys got some kind of rabbit infestation or something? My belt is actually deadlier if you think about it ...”

I suddenly realize the tension of the situation is rapidly escalating. Everyone in the large foyer has grown ominously silent, and all eyes are on us.

-This guy is serious.

Curses! My diabolical plan to commandeer this podunk courthouse and fly it into the World Trade Center has been foiled.

“I could take you to jail for trying to smuggle this in here,” he says. He’s a smaller guy than I am, but he’s doing that well-practiced cop body language thing, half-designed to corral me to the side, and half to intimidate.

But I ain’t some spray-on tan local red-eyed fruitflake: I’m from Chicago, fuckwad.

-You start the music, you get the dance.

“Stand back everyone!” I demand a loudly. “Or I'll open every goddamned envelope in this place!”

Bored?

Predator Press

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How to Cheat at Humor-Blogs.com

Predator Press

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Rule #1: Don't Cheat To Get Number One. The #1 spot is under constant scrutiny, and is usually occupied by some asshole. Make yourself, like, number five or so: this modestly elevated status won't raise any eyebrows, and flies under the radar.

Rule #2: For Christ's Sake Do Some Legwork. Upload a goofy photo, and develop favorites for your blogless, soulless fake profiles. And -above all- vote on others occasionally with them. It's kinda like government: suspicions are easily mitigated by letting others profit on your enterprising endeavors.

Plus, anything less than your full creative effort is just plain insulting.

Rule #3: Space Out Your Votes: If your voters are so lazy and vapid they don't have profiles, pictures, or other favorites, what are the odds they are all going to religiously show up within an hour on the two times you post every week?

Kanye West Shot Dead By Secret Service

Predator Press

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NASA is Dumb

Predator Press

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As I see it, the biggest economic quagmire in the United States is all the money we are paying those so-called "engineers" at NASA.

I’ve been arguing that the Space Shuttle should be retired for years already … I wouldn't scrounge that thing for parts. Forget the last recorded oil change, I don’t think they even wash the thing anymore.

Like the El Camino, there comes a time for all vehicles when we stop hammerin out the dings, prop them up on cinderblocks, and leave them retired in the trailer park with dignity.

So to me, the news that NASA was developing the next generation of spacecraft couldn’t have been more welcome.

The mind reels in the technological possibilities:




Now brace yourselves for what the dynamic and sexy NASA nerds picked.

Ready?




-I haven't been this excited about science since we discovered a whole new strain of mold.

Those NASA rubes are probably pulling down like $9 or $10 an hour ... and this is what we get? Oh holy crap. This isn't cutting-edge stuff. I've seen it before in the 60s -'cept back then they called it "Gemini."

What is NASA trying to do ... embarrass us on a galactic scale? It doesn't even have a lousy death ray. Not one! Can we at least get the guys from American Chopper to glue some fake ones on? And who signed off on this paint scheme? Can't we get some flames down the side, or maybe a chick riding a panther put on it somewhere?

As it stands, this laughable design would only encourage a hoard of would-be space overlords.

And speaking of would-be space overlords, how many hundreds of our tax dollars are spent every year without those lazy SETI pricks finding anybody for us to have wars with? We all know aliens out there, smugly and hiding behind a phony shroud of blissful tranquility and plotting the violent demise of the Human Race in secrecy -we have to find them and kick their space asses first!

But if SETI doesn't find anything, don't you think they it's incumbent upon them to make some stuff up every once in a while? They’re probably bored, starin at a blank cosmic answering machine all day and night like some heartbroken teenager anyway; life still hopeful and dreams yet uncrushed, isn't maybe stirring up a little drama the least they can do?

Consider it a drill ... a drill to encounter intelligent aliens and bring the galaxy "Freedom." After all, the ability to exterminate an entire military, occupy their respective distant home worlds, and make the survivors do forced labor doesn't come easy -and we're running out of terrestrial stuff to practice "Freedom" on.

In conclusion, SETI shouldn't get another dime until we see at least a ten-page outline on a vaible and sinister celestial threat.

-And not some M Night Shamma-lamma-ding-dong bullshit either: this thing better be every inch Spielberg.

As for NASA? The way I see it, ruling the primitive war-like inhabitants of the galaxy under Enlightened, iron-fisted human Benevolence and Wisdom is our sacred intergalactic duty, and not taking the initiative here will most assuredly invite cosmic despotic tyranny.

Charlie Who -Wants to WHAT?

Predator Press

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I think Charlie Sheen should get his meeting with Obama to discuss the possibility of a 9/11 conspiracy, but only under the condition that it’s a “quid quo pro”: I’ve been trying to figure out what conspiracy allowed the making of Major League II for years.

Perhaps this is an example of “Method Acting”: Charlie -absolutely seething with "Method"- is about to release a movie called Foodfight! where he voices a character named Dex Dogtective. This controversy will doubtlessly cause enough Hollywood “buzz” to finally catapult Charlie's performances into the Oscars.

Charlie Sheen is most certainly an actor. Al Fresco -the guy that unloads his mower from a pickup truck and mows my lawn- is most certainly a gardener. But I am always happy to see Al Fresco ... largely because he does much-needed work, and he does it extremely well.

This isn’t to say I don't want every teeny nuance of 9/11 investigated; I'm just saying from a Public Relations standpoint, Al Fresco should be at this meeting too.

-Al Fresco doesn’t speak good English well, but nonetheless may contribute volumes to the meeting's credibility by simple virtue of his unrelentingly conscientious taste, and extraordinary talent for his craft.

Meanwhile Charlie hawks Hanes® underwear.

But could Charlie's underwear possibly be better than Al Fresco's?

I rest my case.

Predator Press Declares Self “Official Website of Atlantis”

Predator Press

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Well why not? We’re just as qualified as any of those other jerks. Predator Press has as long a history of not proving things as anyone: I’ve been questioning the Legend of Bigfoot, the female orgasm, and the existence of Canada since this blog's virtual inception.

Cryptic, vague references to the lost city of Atlantis go back dozens of years -before many of us were even born. For instance the philosopher Plato -most famous for killing Socrates by bashin him upside the head with a hemlock- waxed on and on and on about it. But like everyone else in history Plato is now dead too, and as a consequence of not getting himself on television we no longer have any records of his teachings, nor any idea what he was talking about.

There's a lot of possibilties if you think about it. It might have been Plato's crafty way to trick Diogenes into taking a bath every once in a while. "Here," Plato might say to Diogenes. "Take this bar of soap as an offering, and they might let you drive a flying car!" Or maybe Plato was just really, really drunk.

Many scientists concur that Atlantis is now in Las Vegas masquerading as a casino -but many scientists also do not agree with this too: this all remains to be decided by careful application of something called the “Scientific Method.” While not familiar with said “Scientific Method” per se, I’m almost certainly going to Pay-Per-View the event; how often do you see guys in lab coats beating each other with tire irons and gigantic robots in pursuit of The Truth?*

Man, science is cool.

In conclusion, I submit that nobody has provided more proof of the existence of Atlantis than we have in this post -thus Predator Press is most deserving of the coveted “Official Website of Atlantis” title.

Eh, plus whatever royalties and recognition that should come with this mammoth and expensive undertaking.


*It seems only fair to warn you, Predator Press scienticians have had a giant robot -well suited for obliterating other so-called “theories” in a spray of blood and bone- in production since 2008.

It even has cup holders now.