Thursday

Massachusetts Cops: A Lighter Shade of FAIL

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I used to think of Massachusetts as sophisticated and enlightened.

-But it appears if you part that lovely ivy just a smidge, gawsh-golly there’s a rootin’ tootin knee-slappin rebel flag-flyin hoedown just a-bellerin’ ta beat the band!

Betwixt whittlin, law enforcement, and just electrifiyin’ squaredance jug-blowin, Boston Po-lice Officer Justin Barrett done used this here lighty-box to tele-e-graph a mass email hollerin how Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. is a "banana-eating jungle monkey.”

Now before all you –uh- 'darkies' git ta yer angry break dancin an thowin’ yer fried chicken, y’all should know he has done assured America on CNN he is definitely not -by inny stretch of that thar imagination- a racist.

-In fact, some of his best friends knows people that are Negroes.


Wednesday

The Battlefield Known

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In the last post, an anonymous commenter asked if I had thought of writing a book and -ego stoked- I caught myself giving a big, longwinded answer as if I had any idea what I was talking about.

Now I don’t generally let my lack of knowledge about any particular subject get in my way, so that’s nothing special. But I did make myself laugh at my own apparent willingness to wax on and on over the topic of becoming a professional author; in truth I think if it were to be it would have happened already ... now a combination of age, lifestyle, and a total lack of connections and resources pretty much renders the whole thing moot. Worse of all, I lack the single quality most authors rely on to overcome these obstacles: talent.

-But then I started to think about that. Why should these “talented” people get all the breaks? Were the playing field leveled, who knows? I could be the next Hemmingway!

What would be required for my success would be sort of a “neutron bomb” for talent. Picture it: a blinding mushroom cloud, and a shock wave encircles the Earth; instantaneously “talented” authors like Chuck Palahniuk, Steven King and William Gibson –and all their works- are completely vaporized in a hellish, agonizing firestorm, and I am left to misuse semicolons and hyphens and otherwise butcher the English language with utter impunity.

(I said picture it, dammit!)


Tuesday

The Center Divide

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It was only vaguely sunny, but comfortable. The guy that works on his kit cars was working an Aston Martin, and, as per usual, the promising husk was blocking about a third of the two lane subdivision’s road.

I never really minded swinging by him. In fact to the contrary, I had a quiet admiration for his work. A few months ago -weather permitting- he was building a fucking hot Boss 429 Mustang. But having not come down this road for some time, I never really saw the project anywhere near completion.

Still, the Aston Martin looks pretty cool already.

The fact this obtrusive hobbyist was blind wasn’t much of a secret; it was obvious by his seemingly cavalier attitude toward roadside traffic. Even now, his legs, surrounded by tools, stuck out from the skeletal underside as autumn leaves swirled in skittish somersaults across the faded concrete -a scant five feet from the center divide.

If constructing cars wasn’t enough, it was rumored Hal worked for NASA. I swear to god. Not working on rockets and such, but something to do with the concession machines; he got in on some kind of handicap program. Single and without children, his income provided an enviable house, and an even more enviable hobby.

Little of this registers to me consciously as I swing by wide in the light traffic.

The security key would doubtlessly be changed by the second shift, and the locks would be reconfigured.

While not particularly rushed, it would be of no value in a matter of hours.

A serious thief would feel more pressed for time; I regard myself as more of a passing opportunist.

An explorer if you will.

Malls, most people don’t know, have separate entrances for their employees; concrete catacombs providing unrestricted access –I learned this from my first job, hawking smoothies at one. Sure they’re monitored by video cameras, but I look a lot like my brother, and I’m wearing his uniform. He’ll be mad if he finds out, but if he finds out I’m fucked anyway –I’m using his car.

And fuck his car, I’ve got his badge and his gun too.

But the plan is only to “explore.” A short pop in and out, copping my brother’s look if you’ll pardon the pun -acting like this unwieldy utility belt is second nature

Like I’m doing something boring yet somehow relevant.

Should a bicycle or a pair of sneakers appear in my car, well, what can I do? It’s not like I could return them. Those people would then prosecute, and the need to go through prosecuting people is a big pain in the ass.

Nobody wants that. I’ll just keep them.

My mildly amused grin goes away fast when I realize the key isn’t working. And even as my mind locks into the unexpected issue, I hear the interface pop.

“Stay there Mallory,” squawked the durable-looking gray cube. ”We’re coming out.”

Fuck, I thought.

I started sweating immediately –probably even before I began the brisk trot to the car. My hand seemed to instinctively hold the pistol grip despite the unfamiliarity as I ran, and from what seemed a million miles away I wondered optimistically if they would think my brother was suddenly dispatched on a call.

My mind raced as I started the roaring engine, while simultaneously slamming the door.

Should I have bluffed it out and stayed?

Thinking ahead, I had tactically parked for a fast exit: the tires screamed into the pavement hard, and I fishtailed slightly in the unexpected thrust.

When I saw the flashing lights in the rearview, and all hope of my brother not finding out melted. I was, for lack of a better word, fucked in Fuckville at fuck o’clock.

Still, maybe if I got the car back on our property they wouldn’t tow impound it.

Maybe if I tell him “I’m sorry,” my brother will forgive me sooner.

-And panic stricken, I forgot about poor ol Hal.


Friday

A Gift Certificate From 'Best Buy' Could Probably Fix This

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Dad,” whines Screechy. “They wont let me watch Dora!”

On the one hand, the teenagers are quietly watching television.

-But on the other, being unemployed and bored has made me an increasingly dark and deeply-conflicted individual: the five-year old and both teenagers are available for my potential amusement.

What!?” I’ll say, feigning shock. “Well, you tell them I said ‘hoop-boobli-flip flang!’

-And dutifully, Screechy runs down the stairs, back into the living room, and announces with distant-yet-undeniable authority, “Dad said … !”

I have to hide my laughter as the rapid footsteps return.

“They didn’t listen!” he complains. “They just, well, stared at me!”

I scowl menacingly. “Oh really? Well you tell them I said, “Quit spoinking and flizz-flazzle!” But just as he begins to run back, I grab his shoulder and look him in the eye real serious-like. “Don’t forget to tell them ‘pttttthbt’ first.” Holding my thumb to my nose, I wiggle my fingers and wince crossed eyes for effect. “Remember. Pttthbt! -or it won’t work!”

He practices the hand motion. "Spoinking the flizz-flazzle!"

“Perfect,” I smile parentally.

-This is followed by running footsteps down the stairs, muffled cursing teenagers (possibly throwing objects), and then running footsteps up the stairs.

"It's not working," he points out, breathing heavily. "You have to put on Dora."

"Did you remember the 'pttthbt' thing?"

"Yes."

"-And the fingers?"

He demonstrates. "Uh huh!"

"You did it wrong. You have to use your other hand ..."

Thursday

How to Handle Cambridge Cops

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Now I wasn’t there, so let me have said up front I don’t know the facts surrounding the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr. But I do know firsthand that cops –on occasion- lie.

Still, I’m not here to judge -I’m simply weighing in with some helpful tips so we can avoid these circumstances in the future.

#1) Don’t Be Black and in Cambridge: I’m not saying you can’t be black or in Cambridge ... I’m just saying you shouldn’t be both at the same time.

#2) If You Can’t Avoid Being Simultaneously Black and in Cambridge, Work a Career-Oriented Lie: You know, like tell the cops you’re really a white chimney sweep on your way home from work. (An Asian chimney sweep is also acceptable, but be prepared to answer a lot of rapid-fire algebra questions.)

#3) Convince the Police You Are Not in Cambridge At All: Quickly erect a scale replica of the Eiffel Tower or the Sphinx, and start taking snapshots.

-With sensitivity, a heightened awareness and a little planning, we can continue in the racial harmony we've grown accustomed to over the past several hundred years.

Tuesday

In a Nutshell

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Being a smoldering highly-desired ripped physical specimen such as myself has drawbacks, and people tend to assume I’m, you know, all brawn and no brains.

I can hardly fault them: an Adonis-like physique such as mine might suggest I spend far more time in the gym than “cracking the books.” This misconception has plagued me my entire life, and all throughout the 80's and 90’s I’ve had to beat up Billy Zabka, like, fifty times.

Well I’m tired of beating up Billy Zabka. And at this point I’m unable to guarantee Bily Zabka’s safety the next time he screws with me in the locker room -or tries to mess up my wife Terri’s mind with his twisted macho crap. (Do you hear me Billy Zabka? If I hear one more cheap knockoff of Kenny Loggins' “Danger Zone,” you’re a dead man.)

So I need some intellectual “credentials” to prove I’m not just Terri’s hot, chiseled boy-toy dripping with manliness -and that’s why I’ve just enrolled for my online triple degree in Criminal Justice, Pulmonary Surgery and Psychiatry.

“Honey,” I argued. “It’s for us.”

Us?” she demanded.

“Well excuse me. I think $1,100 of your hard-earned money is well worth our continued marital bliss.”

“But these things are rip offs!” she screamed.

“This one isn’t. I specifically asked the woman on the phone if it was a rip off. She said it wasn't."

As her eyes roll, I snort.

"Jesus Christ, I didn't order a Nordic Track."