Predator Press
[Bill Curtis]
We’ve all watched the meteoric rise of
Predator Press in the lucrative field of blogging, and the vast, glorious empire founded on this historic document by Ethan and LOBO.
But what do we really know about the
origins of
Predator Press?
I’m Bill Curtis. And today we’re going to go deep inside the seedy underbelly of what might be the most popular blog in the universe:
Predator Press.
And what we found may shock and horrify you.
***
By appearance,
Flandsa Ha’asasanba might have seemed like any other immigrant worker. When he arrived on Ellis Island with only eight dollars in his pocket, he was in pursuit of the
American Dream: to work honest and hard until he encountered a situation where he could sue someone, thusly retiring in style and with a steady flow of Disability checks.
But Flandsa Hasasanba had an unrecognized talent for both turnip farming
and writing; in his battered suitcase was a 600 page manuscript entitled
The Turnip: Nature's Miracle Vegetable.
What do these seemingly disparate events have to do with
Predator Press?
I’m Bill Curtis. And today we’re going to explore the strange
twist that would entwine the dark fate of Flandsa Ha’asasanba to it forever.
***
June 6, 2003
LOBO, reputedly trying to peek up the dress of “that great big chick holding the torch,” found himself stranded on Ellis Island without the eight dollars required to ride the ferry back.
Time wore on. With a flowing unkempt beard and clothes reduced to frayed tatters, he spent the entire two hours demanding to speak to ‘Ellis’ to no avail.
Flandsa Hasasanba –who spoke no English- only smiled politely as LOBO barked madly. In turn -concluding quickly that Flandsa Ha’asasanba was one of those “Special People”- LOBO decided that Flandsa Ha’asasanba was safer as his own 'personal assistant' than he was wandering the dangerous and uncharted regions of greater New York City.
“Look at that, Friday,” said LOBO, pointing to the nearby coast with a large piece of driftwood.
“Flandsa,” Flandsa Ha’asasanba corrected smiling.
“Friday, you
know I hate it when you interrupt me,” says LOBO. “Listen. Someday we are going to get off this rock. I promise you. As God as my witness, we will see
civilization again!”
Flandsa Hasasanba grinned. Whatever this American hobo was saying, he certainly seemed very animated about it. Hungry, he pulled out his eight dollars and got in line behind other tourists at the hot dog stand.
-Flandsa Ha’asasanba woke several hours later with nothing but a headache, a piece of broken driftwood, and shattered hopes and dreams.
So just what happened on that fateful day of June 6, 2003?
I'm Bill Curtis.
Stay tuned.
***
This mystery might have died out completely had LOBO not emerged that very next year and started publishing on
Predator Press.
-Publishing things that were raising some eyebrows.
It seems that numerous
Predator Press posts bear a remarkable resemblance to Flandsa Ha’asasanba's opus
The Turnip: Nature's Miracle Vegetable.
Obesrve the following excerpt from Flandsa Ha’asasanba's work:
"The turnip (Brassica rapa var. rapa) is a root vegetable commonly grown in temperate climates worldwide for its white, bulbous taproot. Small, tender varieties are grown for human consumption, while larger varieties are grown as feed for livestock."
-And compare it to the following uncannily similar
Predator Press quote:
"Fat tourists should not tan in temperate climates worldwide. Their pasty, white bulbous flesh should not be exposed to human eyes under any circumstances. The really fat fucks should be used strictly as livestock."
-It's almost as if all the nouns and verbs have been simply erased, and replaced at random.
The similarities are unmistakable.
So did Flandsa Ha’asasanba, a clearly insane and homicidal turnip-farming immagrant prodigy, murder LOBO and steal his blog and identity?
I'm Bill Curtis.
And we may never know.
In order to prevent what was labeled as a 'false sense of security' due to LOBO’s departure, LOBOnian officials have released footage of secret military exercises designed to scare Pianosa I into "keeping their shit together or else."
