Predator Press
[LOBO]
In anticipation of widespread backlash for our recent
blogjacking endeavors, we here at
Predator Press have prepared the following Official Statement:
It was all Don Lewis's fault.
But
Don shouldn't be judged too harshly.
In effort to provide you with the continued comedic brilliance you have come to expect from
It's a Funny Thing, he has resorted to injecting his frontal lobe directly with nearly-lethal doses of
ecdysterone. The last human to endure that much artificially inflated humor was Jack Handey, who would ultimately write one last sketch for
"Toonces, the Driving Cat" before his hippocampus finally gurgled out onto the kitchen linoleum.
In this steroid-jazzed addled state, the normally mild-mannered and charming Don Lewis appeared at the
Predator Press Fundraiser for Crippled Orphans where Alex L -author of
The Discreet Charm of the Middle Class- and I were building 100% formaldehyde-free dumpster habitats (commonly known as
'DumpsterTats') for the less fortunate DumpsterTot youth of America.
"Get in the damn car!" growls Don. "We're gonna hijack the
The Ominous Comma!"
"What?" says Alex L, setting down three small orphans.
"Why would we do that?" I asked in disbelief. "We
like Brent!"
"Shut up and get in, before I pull your boots though your eye sockets!" he demanded.
So we went along ... to try and keep an eye on him, you know? We here at
Predator Press keep a pretty open mind when it comes to our ideas or ones that we agree with, but this was just going too far. He had to be joking, right?
To our horror, Don had elaborate plans and blueprints and so forth all prepared.
Alex and I sat through the militant briefing in utter shock.
Don was completely out of his mind.
... and we had no choice but to comply.
THE REVEAL
I knew the whole time this was going to seem pretty far fetched, so while Don was sleeping off his wild rampage I prepared numerous dizzying, bottomless Excel spreadsheets as evidence.
And
Predator Press scienticians have been working 'round the clock in a fascinating brand new field never before explored: the study of the human brain.
We call it
Brainology.
First we needed a "
Control Group".
Scans of
Mattress Police author Diesel are perfectly normal for a healthy blogger's braincase, and suited our needs perfectly.
Note the vibrant pastels, suggesting sweet chewy wholesome juicy goodness with a potential caramel center.
Don'tcha just want to
lick it?
***
While enjoying an appreciable lack of subtlety, the dark and mysterious writer for
.45 Caliber Headspace is clearly firing on all cylinders.
And
wow.
-This image turned out to be the only one we could publish without risking our PG13 rating.
".45" shows absolutely
vibrant patterns of creativity, particularly when words such as "stripper pole" and "potting soil" are invoked.
This blogger just might be the most sane of all.
***
When we heard the poetic lyric "choking on the ashes of her enemies," we immediately wanted to get Kurt Cobain. But lacking a wide-angle scanner lens, our new technology was woefully inadequate.
Instead, we naturally segued to Chelle B., The
Offended Blogger.
-Please extinguish all potentially incendiary devices and objects when viewing this blog;
Predator Press cannot be held accountable for people offended by their own self-immolations.
***
And lastly, we come back to Don.
These disturbing images were captured during his marathon 6-hour viewing of television's long defunct series "Webster".
But I warn you: these shocking images are not for the feint-of-heart; please only view after ensuring all children and overly-intelligent small animals have left the room.
Predator Press
"Where's Diesel?" I demand firmly.
