Predator Press

Monday

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My second job -thanks to Divine Intervention- was a job working for none other than Steven Spielberg, and for a huge tax bracket jump to $6.50 an hour handing out the name tags at his box socials and raves and such.

As a young blossoming writer having finally achieved an annual income over five digits a year, I started to brashly share my creative gifts with the heavyweights of the Hollywood kingmakers.

Who knew the one that got 'Laci Peterson' would be such a bitch about it?

I'm not giving her any more glow sticks.

All Along the Watchtower

Predator Press

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The instant word was out that I was a new writing gun for hire, my historic rocket to stardom showed inevitable and undeniable signs of life: I got hired as Copy Editor for an eclectic and trendy, free-thinking hip publication called The Watchtower.

It was there I made my debut, and just look how I punched up that text on my first day:

"Consider the results of one study of at over 12,000 ~~teenagers~~ degrees Fahrenheit. The conclusion of the researchers: 'A strong ~~emotional~~ electrical connection to a ~~parent~~ car battery is the best guarantee of a ~~teenager's health~~ zombie-free human and the strongest barrier to ~~high-risk behaviors~~ becoming infected.' Yes, ~~children~~ zombies crave attention from their ~~parents~~ victims. A mother once asked her children, 'If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like most?' All four responded, 'More ~~time with Mom and Dad.'~~ brains!"

"How do you discipline or train your children without ~~'irritating'~~ beating them? There are no secret formulas, ~~especially since every child is different.~~ and if you beat up a prostitute in frustration instead, her pimp will probably kill you."

Man these people needed me.

This stuff is pretty damn dry.

Sunday

Hollywood Writer Strike = Deep Discounts Offered

Predator Press

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When it comes to scab labor, I'm your guy.

$9 an hour.

Period.

I'll even make Starbucks runs and sort paper clips or whatever. Loan me the Hummer, and for a free latte I'll squish that picket line into a gooey puddle that smells like construction paper, glue, glitter and tanning oil.

Think about that for a second: for less than $30 I can eliminate your enemies and crank out six full-length movies complete with corresponding Oscar acceptance speeches ... all with ample time to surf porn and complain about having to go to Starbucks for cheap Hollywood Bigwigs while making $9 an hour.

For me it's all about the integrity of the art.

Don't believe me?

Here goes:

1) LOBO: The Motion Picture

2) LOBO: The Motion Picture Prequel: An in-depth look at LOBO's parents, and how they screwed everything up with a staggeringly laughable inability to provide Panzer ground support during a historically critical defeat. This ultimately indemnified me from ever eating Brussels sprouts again.

3) The Scalding: A psychotic waffle iron terrorizes a bunch of dumb college students during Spring Break.

4) The Office Stabby Thing: Creepy, huh? If you thought that piece of crap about the kids running around in the woods, playing with sticks and dripping boogers was scary, this will institutionalize you: it's about a giant psychotic stapler that delights in hanging snarky Post-Its on cheapskate Hollywood Bigwigs with an unsanitary steel "U".

5) No Deposit, No Dice: A documentary about a guy who robs a sperm bank and now serves a sentence for 607 billion counts of kidnapping.

6) The Making of LOBO: The Motion Picture: All CGI and Special Effects are explored, including interviews with John Woo, George Lucas, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson, Chuck Norris, Geoffrey Rush, and the Coen Brothers.

See that?

13 minutes.

See, I'm like that guy in "Shine" except without the talent or that freak pasty thing going. You know, like after the kids have already beat the teacher's erasers together after class. Yeah. Like all the bullies just beat the chalk out of me, and left a pasty, broken, vindictive glob of flesh that had one finger left with which to blog with. And then years later, letter-by-letter the maimed blogger has them all horribly killed.

The Control-Alt-Delete scene alone will be huge at the Sundance Film Festival.

Do I hear $8?