Katas

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Ethan calls.

Again.

Groggily, I reach for the phone.

"lobo?"

"Ethan," I says. "It's LOBO."

"That's what I said," he replies.

"Ethan, you know I'm in training. It's only 10:30 in the morning"

"So you're resting up for the submarine ninjas?"

"It's called a kata, sir," I says, setting the Cheeto bag on the coffee table. "It's a strict discipline, steeped in tradition."

"I thought today was laundry day."

"The washer is still busted," I explain. "I find it easier to just buy new clothes when the old ones get stiff."

"That's disgusting," says Ethan.

"It's a strict discipline," I explain.

"Well I'm giving you a few days off," says Ethan. "I don't want you stinking up the office, while submarine ninjas are wrecking up the place trying to pull your tongue through your keyster."

Damn, I think. I'm good.

"You don't think they will come here, do you?" he asks. "My 'lawyers' have really been packing on the pounds since they started studying your 'Peking Duck' technique. I really don't think they're up for this."

"You can take my cat Phil," I suggest. "He's a level 8."

The Art of Peking Duck

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“LOBO-san,” says the boy. “I have urgent news.”

“What is it, strange little person?” I says.

“It is I, son of Bang Ho.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Bang Ho," he corrects politely. "Grand Master of the Peking Duck!”

“That Bang Ho?” I says.

“Yes LOBO-san. He is dead.”

“No shit?”

“He and 14,004 of our Sacred Acolytes were all killed touring the White House yesterday.”

“I told them to got to the Smithsonian."

“LOBO-san,” says the boy. “I don’t think you understand. You are now Grand Master of the Peking Duck.”

My iPhone rings.

It's Ethan.

"Hey there 'Screaming Eagle' or whatever," I says to the boy, holding up a finger. "Hang on. This is important. Hello?"

"LOBO?" says Ethan.

"Yes?"

"I've started reading Predator Press, and I'm starting to suspect that what you're publishing isn't entirely true."

The boy tugs on my arm. "LOBO-san, ninja enemies of the Peking Duck are arriving on nuclear submarines. We must be going!"

Putting my finger to my lips, I give the boy the universal 'Shh!'

"I know," I whisper, leaning in close and holding the phone away.

"-Ethan is just tryin to get out of buying donuts."

Bush Finds Porno, Sexual Activity On Internets

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"My Fellow Americans," says Bush. "This morning, when checking my email, I got one from a little girl named 'Samantha' --or so it stated clearly in the 'Subject' field."

"But 'Samantha', it turns out," he continues, "Is a curvy 24 year old D-cup, and before I knew it, her magnificent, well-tattooed boobies had leapt straight through my retinas, and into my brain."

[a pause]

"Samantha," he says. "How dare you? How dare you promote your depraved naked activities in public on www.samanthaspreads.org, and send them to me over the public telephone? I, the very President of the United States, was a victim of teleboobie, right there in the Oval Office. And right in front of a tour group!"

[pause]

"Once we've closed all the popup ads and the entire tour group has been exterminated, Samantha -if, in fact that is your real name-- you will be facing Federal Trial for two counts of Aggravated Teleboobie in Abu Ghraid."

Dick Cheney Has Last Human Organ Removed

Predator Press

A happy and healthy Vice President Dick Cheney smiled and waved to the cameras as he left the George Washington University Jiffy Lube sporting his new terror fighting cardioverter-defibrillator.

"He will require some rest," explains Lead Technician Jeremy Ipswick. "But the operation went perfectly. The new cardioverter-defibrillator will have the VP fighting terror with 12% higher efficiency."

'Event of Emergency' Laminates Differ in First Class

Predator Press

During sudden decompression, traditional 'Place Oxygen Mask Over Nose and Mouth' instructions are less-than-popular among Americas' jetset.

Richie Sentenced to Four 'The NASA Life' Episodes

Predator Press


No one appeared more stunned than Nicole Richie when she was sentenced to do pilot episodes for a Fox Network reality show called The NASA Life --except maybe her own lawyer when she shot him right through the forehead with a 9mm.

"Order," demanded the judge, banging his gavel. "Young lady I said ORDER!"

Nicole, seeming to shake that spooky 'vacant' look, promisingly set the safety on her pistol and strapped it back into her thigh holster. "I'm sorry Your Honor."

"The fact that you murdered a lawyer in my courtroom won't get you any points with me today, Missy," said the judge coolly. "I'm going to make you ridicule honest and hard working middle class people for four whole episodes in space."

When asked for comment, Paris Hilton's Parole Officer claimed Paris was “already making daiquiris in the centrifuge”.

MTV 'Pimps My Space Shuttle'

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Beleaguered by accusations of sabotage and drunk driving, NASA --threatened with Federal Funding cuts and numerous parking tickets-- has decided to downgrade the expectations and pay of their most troublesome resource:

Unmarketable scientists and engineers.

"We saw this trend coming last October," says Senior Physicist Doctor Morgan 'The Mango' Therez. "And when the advertisers saw Exhibit hoist out the Discovery's engine in his garage to change the spark plugs, we knew we had a winner.”

When asked to demonstrate his scientific prowess, Xzibit drew us a diagram on a napkin. “The 'pimped' space shuttle, the EnterPlaya,” he explains, “will come fitted standard with floor-to-ceiling thick shag carpet, a kickass sound system, Xbox 360, landing gear spinners, eight waterbeds, and an aquarium. Booyaa!"