--Now do France.
Wednesday
Insomnia
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Phil can't sleep.
And as a consequence, neither can I.
Yes, I know cats are naturally nocturnal. But I've had Phil for about a year now, and usually he's pretty content and peaceful at night. Lately he's just so fidgety; in and out of bed, meowing at absolutely nothing ... I just don't get it.
This is becoming a problem; I absolutely need eight hours of sleep at night -as well as four or five during the day- or I can't function at all.
Whatever angst and anxieties are riddling Phil are slowly deteriorating my vice-like grip on sanity; often in the quiet darkness, I swear I hear a soft, tinny voice repeatedly asking for someone named 'Templeton', followed by another, doggedly replying "Hola!"
But that's nothing; last night Phil was curled up on my pillow and I heard a full-on conversation:
Voice: Templeton?
Other Voice: Buenas noches!
Voice: Ah, hmmm ... Hablo un poco español; ¿comprende usted?
Other Voice: Si. Yo comprendo.
Voice: ¿Habla usted inglés?
Other Voice: No.
Voice: Hablo un poco español. ¿Dónde esta el baño?
Other Voice: ¿Cómo?
Voice: Un momento.
Other Voice: Está Bien; Muy bien.
Goddamn it, this goes on for hours.
[LOBO]
Phil can't sleep.
And as a consequence, neither can I.
Yes, I know cats are naturally nocturnal. But I've had Phil for about a year now, and usually he's pretty content and peaceful at night. Lately he's just so fidgety; in and out of bed, meowing at absolutely nothing ... I just don't get it.
This is becoming a problem; I absolutely need eight hours of sleep at night -as well as four or five during the day- or I can't function at all.
Whatever angst and anxieties are riddling Phil are slowly deteriorating my vice-like grip on sanity; often in the quiet darkness, I swear I hear a soft, tinny voice repeatedly asking for someone named 'Templeton', followed by another, doggedly replying "Hola!"
But that's nothing; last night Phil was curled up on my pillow and I heard a full-on conversation:
Voice: Templeton?
Other Voice: Buenas noches!
Voice: Ah, hmmm ... Hablo un poco español; ¿comprende usted?
Other Voice: Si. Yo comprendo.
Voice: ¿Habla usted inglés?
Other Voice: No.
Voice: Hablo un poco español. ¿Dónde esta el baño?
Other Voice: ¿Cómo?
Voice: Un momento.
Other Voice: Está Bien; Muy bien.
Goddamn it, this goes on for hours.
Monday
Bundle of Joy
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Because all the neighborhood kids think it's fun pushing the Chick Magnet back into my driveway every time I try to leave the house 'cuz it only has 3rd gear anymore, Gilmore and I get stuck buying flowers for Mother's Day together.
--I don't know how much longer I can complain.
"Nobody buys me flowers for getting laid," I protest.
"How would you know?"
"Hey, I get plenty of action," I says as we get in line at the cashier. "Chicks dig me." I put my hands behind my head and sigh. "Yep, I've wrecked more than my share of uterus."
"I'll bet," says Gilmore.
"'The General' is longer 'n Bill Gates' password!"
"That will be $300," says the florist. "Will that be all for you gentlemen?"
"Can we get a big side of ranch dressing?" I says. "And does this come with a baked potato?"
[LOBO]
Because all the neighborhood kids think it's fun pushing the Chick Magnet back into my driveway every time I try to leave the house 'cuz it only has 3rd gear anymore, Gilmore and I get stuck buying flowers for Mother's Day together.
--I don't know how much longer I can complain.
"Nobody buys me flowers for getting laid," I protest.
"How would you know?"
"Hey, I get plenty of action," I says as we get in line at the cashier. "Chicks dig me." I put my hands behind my head and sigh. "Yep, I've wrecked more than my share of uterus."
"I'll bet," says Gilmore.
"'The General' is longer 'n Bill Gates' password!"
"That will be $300," says the florist. "Will that be all for you gentlemen?"
"Can we get a big side of ranch dressing?" I says. "And does this come with a baked potato?"
Saturday
In Carnations
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I went to visit Babs in the Pianosa Women's Correctional Facility on Saturday morning.
"Jesus Christ," I says into the telephone. "You look like shit."
"I will kill you," Babs smiles through the window.
"I didn't know that they facilitate bail only 9 to 5 Monday through Friday. It wasn't my fault I showed up at five thirty," I point out. "But seriously, you've completely let yourself go in here. You couldn't bother to at least put on some makeup? And what's the deal with the cornrows? And those fuzzy green tattoos on your knuckles? Who the hell is 'Fisty'?"
"Why are you here?"
"So's you know we're still pulling for you here on the outside. You'll be out first thing Monday. Hang in there."
Babs' shoulders sag in a silent resignation.
"I may not be able to get you out of here, but I did do something nice for you. Make sure you're watching channel 6 tonight in the rec room at 5 o'clock.
"Why?"
"Just trust me," he says. "Remember how you cried when you saw on the news all those kids got killed on Prom Night in a car accident?"
"I'm actually surprised you remember that," Babs says, intrigued, studying me closely.
"Well, I think you could use some good PR for a change, and this time it shouldn't only come from the United States Navy."
***
I don't know what happened.
All I know is Babs got into six fights Saturday night, and her bail is now $500,000.
Ethan only authorized $60.
You know, I really thought the 'Kars Kill Kids' fundraising commercials funded by the Babs Foundation would cheer her up.
But six fights in one night?
That's some serious 'Aggression Issues' at play there.
Maybe she should be in prison.
[LOBO]
I went to visit Babs in the Pianosa Women's Correctional Facility on Saturday morning.
"Jesus Christ," I says into the telephone. "You look like shit."
"I will kill you," Babs smiles through the window.
"I didn't know that they facilitate bail only 9 to 5 Monday through Friday. It wasn't my fault I showed up at five thirty," I point out. "But seriously, you've completely let yourself go in here. You couldn't bother to at least put on some makeup? And what's the deal with the cornrows? And those fuzzy green tattoos on your knuckles? Who the hell is 'Fisty'?"
"Why are you here?"
"So's you know we're still pulling for you here on the outside. You'll be out first thing Monday. Hang in there."
Babs' shoulders sag in a silent resignation.
"I may not be able to get you out of here, but I did do something nice for you. Make sure you're watching channel 6 tonight in the rec room at 5 o'clock.
"Why?"
"Just trust me," he says. "Remember how you cried when you saw on the news all those kids got killed on Prom Night in a car accident?"
"I'm actually surprised you remember that," Babs says, intrigued, studying me closely.
"Well, I think you could use some good PR for a change, and this time it shouldn't only come from the United States Navy."
I don't know what happened.
All I know is Babs got into six fights Saturday night, and her bail is now $500,000.
Ethan only authorized $60.
You know, I really thought the 'Kars Kill Kids' fundraising commercials funded by the Babs Foundation would cheer her up.
But six fights in one night?
That's some serious 'Aggression Issues' at play there.
Maybe she should be in prison.
Friday
Mink
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Ethan hands me a credit card
--a Super Triple Platinum card.
"Ooooo ... !" I says, turning it to watch the electroplated genuine Aztec gold surface flash in the light.
It's actually made of platinum.
The raised letters are meticulously carved diamond shards.
After a few minutes, I realize Ethan is talking to someone. Something about "being tired of this," and Babs getting someone out of jail finally or something.
"If those people keep fundraising for Babs on their blogs, you're going to force me to invoice them for Copyright Infringement!" he says, storming out.
I hope Babs gets right on that 'jail' thing.
It would suck to be in jail.
This card has a mink handgrip!
[LOBO]
Ethan hands me a credit card
--a Super Triple Platinum card.
"Ooooo ... !" I says, turning it to watch the electroplated genuine Aztec gold surface flash in the light.
It's actually made of platinum.
The raised letters are meticulously carved diamond shards.
After a few minutes, I realize Ethan is talking to someone. Something about "being tired of this," and Babs getting someone out of jail finally or something.
"If those people keep fundraising for Babs on their blogs, you're going to force me to invoice them for Copyright Infringement!" he says, storming out.
I hope Babs gets right on that 'jail' thing.
It would suck to be in jail.
This card has a mink handgrip!
Stretch
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Is Babs' bail really that much money?" asks Mr. Insanity.
"You wouldn't believe how much it is," I says.
"You could hit up Ethan for it," he says doubtfully.
"After she tried to steal his empire?" I laugh sadly. "Ethan wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire." I scratch my chin. "Maybe we could have a telethon."
"Maybe. Have you gone to see her yet?"
"I'm going tomorrow. Today I'm getting together a 'care package'."
"Well, that's very nice. What's in it?"
"Cigarettes and soap-on-a-rope."
[LOBO]
"Is Babs' bail really that much money?" asks Mr. Insanity.
"You wouldn't believe how much it is," I says.
"You could hit up Ethan for it," he says doubtfully.
"After she tried to steal his empire?" I laugh sadly. "Ethan wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire." I scratch my chin. "Maybe we could have a telethon."
"Maybe. Have you gone to see her yet?"
"I'm going tomorrow. Today I'm getting together a 'care package'."
"Well, that's very nice. What's in it?"
"Cigarettes and soap-on-a-rope."
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