Monday
Bundle of Joy
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Because all the neighborhood kids think it's fun pushing the Chick Magnet back into my driveway every time I try to leave the house 'cuz it only has 3rd gear anymore, Gilmore and I get stuck buying flowers for Mother's Day together.
--I don't know how much longer I can complain.
"Nobody buys me flowers for getting laid," I protest.
"How would you know?"
"Hey, I get plenty of action," I says as we get in line at the cashier. "Chicks dig me." I put my hands behind my head and sigh. "Yep, I've wrecked more than my share of uterus."
"I'll bet," says Gilmore.
"'The General' is longer 'n Bill Gates' password!"
"That will be $300," says the florist. "Will that be all for you gentlemen?"
"Can we get a big side of ranch dressing?" I says. "And does this come with a baked potato?"
[LOBO]
Because all the neighborhood kids think it's fun pushing the Chick Magnet back into my driveway every time I try to leave the house 'cuz it only has 3rd gear anymore, Gilmore and I get stuck buying flowers for Mother's Day together.
--I don't know how much longer I can complain.
"Nobody buys me flowers for getting laid," I protest.
"How would you know?"
"Hey, I get plenty of action," I says as we get in line at the cashier. "Chicks dig me." I put my hands behind my head and sigh. "Yep, I've wrecked more than my share of uterus."
"I'll bet," says Gilmore.
"'The General' is longer 'n Bill Gates' password!"
"That will be $300," says the florist. "Will that be all for you gentlemen?"
"Can we get a big side of ranch dressing?" I says. "And does this come with a baked potato?"
Saturday
In Carnations
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I went to visit Babs in the Pianosa Women's Correctional Facility on Saturday morning.
"Jesus Christ," I says into the telephone. "You look like shit."
"I will kill you," Babs smiles through the window.
"I didn't know that they facilitate bail only 9 to 5 Monday through Friday. It wasn't my fault I showed up at five thirty," I point out. "But seriously, you've completely let yourself go in here. You couldn't bother to at least put on some makeup? And what's the deal with the cornrows? And those fuzzy green tattoos on your knuckles? Who the hell is 'Fisty'?"
"Why are you here?"
"So's you know we're still pulling for you here on the outside. You'll be out first thing Monday. Hang in there."
Babs' shoulders sag in a silent resignation.
"I may not be able to get you out of here, but I did do something nice for you. Make sure you're watching channel 6 tonight in the rec room at 5 o'clock.
"Why?"
"Just trust me," he says. "Remember how you cried when you saw on the news all those kids got killed on Prom Night in a car accident?"
"I'm actually surprised you remember that," Babs says, intrigued, studying me closely.
"Well, I think you could use some good PR for a change, and this time it shouldn't only come from the United States Navy."
***
I don't know what happened.
All I know is Babs got into six fights Saturday night, and her bail is now $500,000.
Ethan only authorized $60.
You know, I really thought the 'Kars Kill Kids' fundraising commercials funded by the Babs Foundation would cheer her up.
But six fights in one night?
That's some serious 'Aggression Issues' at play there.
Maybe she should be in prison.
[LOBO]
I went to visit Babs in the Pianosa Women's Correctional Facility on Saturday morning.
"Jesus Christ," I says into the telephone. "You look like shit."
"I will kill you," Babs smiles through the window.
"I didn't know that they facilitate bail only 9 to 5 Monday through Friday. It wasn't my fault I showed up at five thirty," I point out. "But seriously, you've completely let yourself go in here. You couldn't bother to at least put on some makeup? And what's the deal with the cornrows? And those fuzzy green tattoos on your knuckles? Who the hell is 'Fisty'?"
"Why are you here?"
"So's you know we're still pulling for you here on the outside. You'll be out first thing Monday. Hang in there."
Babs' shoulders sag in a silent resignation.
"I may not be able to get you out of here, but I did do something nice for you. Make sure you're watching channel 6 tonight in the rec room at 5 o'clock.
"Why?"
"Just trust me," he says. "Remember how you cried when you saw on the news all those kids got killed on Prom Night in a car accident?"
"I'm actually surprised you remember that," Babs says, intrigued, studying me closely.
"Well, I think you could use some good PR for a change, and this time it shouldn't only come from the United States Navy."
I don't know what happened.
All I know is Babs got into six fights Saturday night, and her bail is now $500,000.
Ethan only authorized $60.
You know, I really thought the 'Kars Kill Kids' fundraising commercials funded by the Babs Foundation would cheer her up.
But six fights in one night?
That's some serious 'Aggression Issues' at play there.
Maybe she should be in prison.
Friday
Mink
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Ethan hands me a credit card
--a Super Triple Platinum card.
"Ooooo ... !" I says, turning it to watch the electroplated genuine Aztec gold surface flash in the light.
It's actually made of platinum.
The raised letters are meticulously carved diamond shards.
After a few minutes, I realize Ethan is talking to someone. Something about "being tired of this," and Babs getting someone out of jail finally or something.
"If those people keep fundraising for Babs on their blogs, you're going to force me to invoice them for Copyright Infringement!" he says, storming out.
I hope Babs gets right on that 'jail' thing.
It would suck to be in jail.
This card has a mink handgrip!
[LOBO]
Ethan hands me a credit card
--a Super Triple Platinum card.
"Ooooo ... !" I says, turning it to watch the electroplated genuine Aztec gold surface flash in the light.
It's actually made of platinum.
The raised letters are meticulously carved diamond shards.
After a few minutes, I realize Ethan is talking to someone. Something about "being tired of this," and Babs getting someone out of jail finally or something.
"If those people keep fundraising for Babs on their blogs, you're going to force me to invoice them for Copyright Infringement!" he says, storming out.
I hope Babs gets right on that 'jail' thing.
It would suck to be in jail.
This card has a mink handgrip!
Stretch
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Is Babs' bail really that much money?" asks Mr. Insanity.
"You wouldn't believe how much it is," I says.
"You could hit up Ethan for it," he says doubtfully.
"After she tried to steal his empire?" I laugh sadly. "Ethan wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire." I scratch my chin. "Maybe we could have a telethon."
"Maybe. Have you gone to see her yet?"
"I'm going tomorrow. Today I'm getting together a 'care package'."
"Well, that's very nice. What's in it?"
"Cigarettes and soap-on-a-rope."
[LOBO]
"Is Babs' bail really that much money?" asks Mr. Insanity.
"You wouldn't believe how much it is," I says.
"You could hit up Ethan for it," he says doubtfully.
"After she tried to steal his empire?" I laugh sadly. "Ethan wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire." I scratch my chin. "Maybe we could have a telethon."
"Maybe. Have you gone to see her yet?"
"I'm going tomorrow. Today I'm getting together a 'care package'."
"Well, that's very nice. What's in it?"
"Cigarettes and soap-on-a-rope."
Thursday
Pokey
Predator Press
[LOBO]
It has come to my attention that websites like "Stuff and Stuff and Stuff" are currently fundraising for Babs' bail money.
I've linked all of them in the Site Guide --right under “Petit Mal”-- just so you know that you don't have to go there; I'm bound to come up with that $60 by simple virtue of this huge stack of scratch-off lottery tickets.
These lottery tickets --coupled with about 40,000 of your generous pennies so's I can scratch 'em off-- means I have everything well-in-hand.
... And Babs always wanted to hang with Paris Hilton ... !
[LOBO]
It has come to my attention that websites like "Stuff and Stuff and Stuff" are currently fundraising for Babs' bail money.
I've linked all of them in the Site Guide --right under “Petit Mal”-- just so you know that you don't have to go there; I'm bound to come up with that $60 by simple virtue of this huge stack of scratch-off lottery tickets.
These lottery tickets --coupled with about 40,000 of your generous pennies so's I can scratch 'em off-- means I have everything well-in-hand.
... And Babs always wanted to hang with Paris Hilton ... !
Wednesday
Focus
Predator Press
[LOBO]
So I’m worried that Babs is still in jail, and standing in line behind these two guys trying to get into this classy restaurant. One of them is wearing an “I FARM YOU EAT” sweatshirt.
And I’m thinking a guy with that shirt could pull down chicks like crazy.
I mean think about it; a guy that fondles cows knows how to keep his hands warm, right?
... But enough about promiscuous, deviant cows! I have Babs to get out of jail, and $60 worth of inventive bail money to come up with.
I must focus.
***
Now, I’m a vegan.
But for purposes of keeping an eye on this sick 'farming' monster, I eat a big rib-eye steak, baked Alaska, fried mushrooms, pork chops, potato skins, truffles, and drink a diet Pepsi.
--all the while focusing like a laserbeam on how to get Babs out of jail.
Still, I wish this weirdo would leave those poor cows alone.
That sick bastard fits the profile of a ‘Bovine Enabler’ precisely.
[LOBO]
So I’m worried that Babs is still in jail, and standing in line behind these two guys trying to get into this classy restaurant. One of them is wearing an “I FARM YOU EAT” sweatshirt.
And I’m thinking a guy with that shirt could pull down chicks like crazy.
I mean think about it; a guy that fondles cows knows how to keep his hands warm, right?
... But enough about promiscuous, deviant cows! I have Babs to get out of jail, and $60 worth of inventive bail money to come up with.
I must focus.
***
But for purposes of keeping an eye on this sick 'farming' monster, I eat a big rib-eye steak, baked Alaska, fried mushrooms, pork chops, potato skins, truffles, and drink a diet Pepsi.
--all the while focusing like a laserbeam on how to get Babs out of jail.
Still, I wish this weirdo would leave those poor cows alone.
That sick bastard fits the profile of a ‘Bovine Enabler’ precisely.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
-
Predator Press [LOBO] Yes it's totally true. There is now, in fact, a $14.95 Bionic Ear . And I'm not even going to g... -
LOBO - Predator Press "I can't believe the woman giving the MRI was flirting with you right in front of me ," Wendy growled.... -
LOBO - Predator Press "What is wrong with my eye?" I ask. "Is it cancer?" "I think you got soap in it" W...