cream, salsa, dice, and 'Monster Manual'
Monday
TORNADO PROVEN TO BE FAJITA LEVEL 5
Predator Press
Predator Press Copy Editor fired as FEMA deploys sour
cream, salsa, dice, and 'Monster Manual'
cream, salsa, dice, and 'Monster Manual'
Sunday
I, Calculatron
Predator Press
[LOBO]
The reason I failed the exam for my blogger license is ‘cuz they ask trick questions.
They ask you stuff like:
2 + 2 = ?
I mean come on!
It could just be two couples hanging out, right? I mean that’s open to a lot of interpretation. Now a question like:
2 X 2 = ?
-That’s obviously a 'fourgy'!
[LOBO]
The reason I failed the exam for my blogger license is ‘cuz they ask trick questions.
They ask you stuff like:
I mean come on!
It could just be two couples hanging out, right? I mean that’s open to a lot of interpretation. Now a question like:
When Dreams Go All Frappe
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, Rupert Murdoch’s check never materialized.
--Honestly, I don’t know why people do business with guys like that.
Worse, I got like ten calls from Babs asking me why I haven’t bailed her out of prison yet.
It’s not like I forgot, it’s just that that sixty bucks was supposed to come out of Rupert’s 3 billion.
After a couple of days, I realized Rupert was stiffing me, and then I guess I just got a little embarrassed.
God I wish she would stop calling.
[LOBO]
Well, Rupert Murdoch’s check never materialized.
--Honestly, I don’t know why people do business with guys like that.
Worse, I got like ten calls from Babs asking me why I haven’t bailed her out of prison yet.
It’s not like I forgot, it’s just that that sixty bucks was supposed to come out of Rupert’s 3 billion.
After a couple of days, I realized Rupert was stiffing me, and then I guess I just got a little embarrassed.
God I wish she would stop calling.
Friday
Cashing In
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I didn't expect to be at work today, but Rupert Murdoch's 3 billion dollar check is apparently delayed.
I don't know what the number '3 billion' even looks like, but I imagine the check to be very, very long; it's probably in a very, very long envelope and jamming some machine at the post office.
So I gotta go to work today.
Phooey.
***
I find myself daydreaming about 3 billion dollars. Dammit, that's a lot of scratch-off lottery tickets I'll bet. And my hand would get all cramped up after a while, and then I would have to hire someone to help me. But I'll have to hire someone to do my hiring first -I hate job interviews. And I'll bet the jerk steals my lucky scratching quarter, and I have to call the cops on him. And then the lawyers have my 3 billion dollars.
I don't like this plan anymore.
And who is going to shuffle up Jimmy Orlando's paperwork when I retire with 3 billion dollars?
***
With 3 billion dollars, I could travel.
I could go clear to Portland Oregon if I wanted. Hell, with 3 billion dollars, I could have Portland Oregon brought to me.
Where the hell am I going to put Portland Oregon?
Rupert, did you make the check out for 'cash'? The bank always gives me shit because the only ID I got is a library card that expired in 1999. But I'll bet they change their tune when they see that check! They'll all be like "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," hoping I will buy them stuff.
And buy stuff I shall! With 3 billion dollars, I could go to the Dollar Store, and buy presents for, ah ... well ... a lot of people!
Rupert, I hope you sent it certified.
Rupert?
[LOBO]
I didn't expect to be at work today, but Rupert Murdoch's 3 billion dollar check is apparently delayed.
I don't know what the number '3 billion' even looks like, but I imagine the check to be very, very long; it's probably in a very, very long envelope and jamming some machine at the post office.
So I gotta go to work today.
Phooey.
I find myself daydreaming about 3 billion dollars. Dammit, that's a lot of scratch-off lottery tickets I'll bet. And my hand would get all cramped up after a while, and then I would have to hire someone to help me. But I'll have to hire someone to do my hiring first -I hate job interviews. And I'll bet the jerk steals my lucky scratching quarter, and I have to call the cops on him. And then the lawyers have my 3 billion dollars.
I don't like this plan anymore.
And who is going to shuffle up Jimmy Orlando's paperwork when I retire with 3 billion dollars?
With 3 billion dollars, I could travel.
I could go clear to Portland Oregon if I wanted. Hell, with 3 billion dollars, I could have Portland Oregon brought to me.
Where the hell am I going to put Portland Oregon?
Rupert, did you make the check out for 'cash'? The bank always gives me shit because the only ID I got is a library card that expired in 1999. But I'll bet they change their tune when they see that check! They'll all be like "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," hoping I will buy them stuff.
And buy stuff I shall! With 3 billion dollars, I could go to the Dollar Store, and buy presents for, ah ... well ... a lot of people!
Rupert, I hope you sent it certified.
Rupert?
Thursday
Dear Rupert Murdoch
Predator Press
Dear Rupert Murdoch,
It has been recently brought to our attention that you have placed a 6 billion dollar bid on The Wall Street Journal.
The Wall Street Journal is an infinitely boring publication that no one reads. Jeez, it barely even has any pictures!
We’ll sell you Predator Press for half.
Dear Rupert Murdoch,
It has been recently brought to our attention that you have placed a 6 billion dollar bid on The Wall Street Journal.
The Wall Street Journal is an infinitely boring publication that no one reads. Jeez, it barely even has any pictures!
We’ll sell you Predator Press for half.
Wednesday
Can't We All Just Fight Like Hell?
Predator Press
[LOBO]
First, my house burns down.
Then I have a hard time convincing Babs, her Parole Officer, and the insurance company that my cat accidentally caused the fire thwarting an alien invasion by a technologically advanced mechanical reconnaissance fly.
Today I found out my blogger license has been revoked because I flunked the annual exam.
That, frankly, is just plain silly: there's no freakin way I flunked that test.
--I cheated off of the smartest people there!
[LOBO]
First, my house burns down.
Then I have a hard time convincing Babs, her Parole Officer, and the insurance company that my cat accidentally caused the fire thwarting an alien invasion by a technologically advanced mechanical reconnaissance fly.
Today I found out my blogger license has been revoked because I flunked the annual exam.
That, frankly, is just plain silly: there's no freakin way I flunked that test.
--I cheated off of the smartest people there!
Sunshine of My Love
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Are you okay?" I says to Babs.
Babs grabs the bars. "LOBO, I didn't do it. I didn't blow up our potential home because you screwed me out of $250,000,000. I swear to God."
"Uh huh," I says. "I suppose you expect me to believe the cat did it."
"The cat knows where the insurance papers are better'n you do!"
I pause. "Okay, I'm on it."
[LOBO]
"Are you okay?" I says to Babs.
Babs grabs the bars. "LOBO, I didn't do it. I didn't blow up our potential home because you screwed me out of $250,000,000. I swear to God."
"Uh huh," I says. "I suppose you expect me to believe the cat did it."
"The cat knows where the insurance papers are better'n you do!"
I pause. "Okay, I'm on it."
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