Predator Press
[LOBO]
“Why is there spaghetti sauce in this ice tray?” says Ethan.
“That’s not spaghetti sauce," says me. "That’s marinara.”
“Why is there marinara sauce in this ice tray?”
“Because it came with the Cheese Sticks.”
“Okay,” says Ethan, exasperated. “Why is there Cheese Stick marinara sauce in this ice tray?”
“Because I fucked up the toaster with the Cheese Sticks, okay?”
Friday
Black Day
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Alright, while I was away negotiating this amazing deal on bulk peanut butter, some asshole broke into my house and stoled my Pet Rock Incubator.
Do you know how long I've been waiting for those things to hatch?
Look, I wasn't neglecting them; I just thought maybe diamonds took an extra-long time! Keep the Incubator, but please, whoever you are, return the diamonds; I'm sure they are worthless to you. But they could 'bust loose' any second!
[*sigh*]
Who am I kidding?
… the fucking thing is probably on eBay already.
[LOBO]
Alright, while I was away negotiating this amazing deal on bulk peanut butter, some asshole broke into my house and stoled my Pet Rock Incubator.
Do you know how long I've been waiting for those things to hatch?
Look, I wasn't neglecting them; I just thought maybe diamonds took an extra-long time! Keep the Incubator, but please, whoever you are, return the diamonds; I'm sure they are worthless to you. But they could 'bust loose' any second!
[*sigh*]
Who am I kidding?
… the fucking thing is probably on eBay already.
Thursday
Unpopular Occupation Rattles US Morale
Predator Press
Soldiers from all branches of US military shave heads in symbolic
gesture of solidarity to raise awareness of Lobonian cable plight
gesture of solidarity to raise awareness of Lobonian cable plight
Wednesday
Sneakery
Predator PressDistressed by civil unrest and cable atrocities in Lobonia Illinois, Tony Blair withdraws troops from someplace
All-night 'rave' renders Parliament blissfully unaware
Tuesday
Thaw
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Despite the unjust, immoral, lopsided, asymmetrical offensives the US wreaked permanently upon our local economy, tourism and industrial might by shutting off our cable, we bravely carry on under our new oppressors.
But Phil is sick.
I knew something was wrong; he cranks out kittens like four times a year! But the vet just called with his test results, and he has “elevated kidney levels” and requires more tests.
I think it’s a little ironic that of everyone in this house --and their respective diets and lifestyles-- the cat is cracking up.
[LOBO]
Despite the unjust, immoral, lopsided, asymmetrical offensives the US wreaked permanently upon our local economy, tourism and industrial might by shutting off our cable, we bravely carry on under our new oppressors.
But Phil is sick.
I knew something was wrong; he cranks out kittens like four times a year! But the vet just called with his test results, and he has “elevated kidney levels” and requires more tests.
I think it’s a little ironic that of everyone in this house --and their respective diets and lifestyles-- the cat is cracking up.
Monday
LOBONIA SURRENDERS; SUES FOR PEACE
Predator Press
Shortest Insurrection in US History
”The sooner we get our Reparations, the sooner we can rebuild,” says Lobonain Chancellor. "Now will you please turn my cable back on?"
Shortest Insurrection in US History
”The sooner we get our Reparations, the sooner we can rebuild,” says Lobonain Chancellor. "Now will you please turn my cable back on?"
Predator Press Reviews: Canadian Bacon
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, the author of such books as Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 has gone and scared the shit out of me again with his latest documentary Canadian Bacon, starring critically acclaimed Rip Torn and a lot of other really talented actors.
In this movie, Roger Moore unveils footage of Americans concocting a phony threat from another country in order to secure political stability and fulfill the agenda of a greedy profiteer that personally benefits from America’s participation in a war.
--God, if I would’ve written it as a science fiction story you wouldn’t have believed it.
Well, needless to say, I panicked and seceded from the United States.
No, I’m serious. I have proudly hoisted the new flag of glorious Sovereign LOBONIA.
It's a little too 'friendly' as far as I'm concerned, but I want to encourage the local "surf and sand" lifestyle, as well as robust trade, supermodel tourism, and hearty taxation.
Rather 'geographically inconvenient' for the Capitalist pig-dogs, LOBONIA is smack in the middle of Illinois, and surrounded on all borders by entire suburbs of lousy hostiles and bewildered, asshole neighbors that have absolutely zero tolerance for the seemingly-alien culture and strange mores of my proud people.
Because of this, I've “liberated” some traffic barricades, and have placed them right where you would turn onto my street: none of you crazy foreigners and illegal aliens and immigrants are allowed beyond my new International Passport Checkpoint of Doom without being pelted by a massive arsenal of state-of-the-art, “fire and forget” UN approved non-allergenic water balloons.
... Except the mailman. I didn’t get the water bill last month, and I’m worried that it's going to get shut off.
The mailman is crucial to my Defense Program.
[LOBO]
Well, the author of such books as Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 has gone and scared the shit out of me again with his latest documentary Canadian Bacon, starring critically acclaimed Rip Torn and a lot of other really talented actors.In this movie, Roger Moore unveils footage of Americans concocting a phony threat from another country in order to secure political stability and fulfill the agenda of a greedy profiteer that personally benefits from America’s participation in a war.
--God, if I would’ve written it as a science fiction story you wouldn’t have believed it.
Well, needless to say, I panicked and seceded from the United States.
No, I’m serious. I have proudly hoisted the new flag of glorious Sovereign LOBONIA.It's a little too 'friendly' as far as I'm concerned, but I want to encourage the local "surf and sand" lifestyle, as well as robust trade, supermodel tourism, and hearty taxation.
Rather 'geographically inconvenient' for the Capitalist pig-dogs, LOBONIA is smack in the middle of Illinois, and surrounded on all borders by entire suburbs of lousy hostiles and bewildered, asshole neighbors that have absolutely zero tolerance for the seemingly-alien culture and strange mores of my proud people.
Because of this, I've “liberated” some traffic barricades, and have placed them right where you would turn onto my street: none of you crazy foreigners and illegal aliens and immigrants are allowed beyond my new International Passport Checkpoint of Doom without being pelted by a massive arsenal of state-of-the-art, “fire and forget” UN approved non-allergenic water balloons.
... Except the mailman. I didn’t get the water bill last month, and I’m worried that it's going to get shut off.
The mailman is crucial to my Defense Program.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
LOBO - Predator Press "I can't believe the woman giving the MRI was flirting with you right in front of me ," Wendy growled.... -
Predator Press [LOBO] Yes it's totally true. There is now, in fact, a $14.95 Bionic Ear . And I'm not even going to g...
