Predator Press
[LOBO]
Between the brief debacle of my slothful consciousness and full-time commitment to you o loyal reader, I suffer occasional interruptions.
I have to go to this really stuffy place several times a week and do stuff. But the coffee and bagels are free, and I get to run around the whole U.S. giving excruciatingly long PowerPoint speeches about essentially nothing whatsoever, stringing buzzwords like "corporate policy" and "opportunity" together in long sentences that meander aimlessly, only occasionally looping back together. Eventually, if I keep going, I'll stumble onto some random element that vaguely had something to do with what's on the screen and, appearing like it was on purpose, I'll look at my dazzled audience like I just pulled a rabbit out of my arse.
The longer I talk, the more I make.
As the smarter ones inevitably start to nod off, I snap my pointy stick enthusiastically on the part of the pie chart with the longest looking words on it, exclaiming, "--And by scaling back our labor cost four percent, we can cut the this out entirely!"
Pie charts are not entirely exciting unto themselves. Sometimes I’ll replace the projections with films of football games, drawing little "x"es and "o"s on the screen while some guy gets crushed trying to get a home run. One time I spun enthusiastic overtures for three hours for the fiscal unit of IBM using footage from “The Little Engine That Could”.
When there are no seminars, I send out unnecessary faxes with irrational demands to be forwarded to yet another fax machine, which forwards the data back to me. Armed with a small but effective battalion of hot secretaries, they stamp it “REJECTED”, and send it backwards through the cycle again where it is promptly copied, stamped, scanned, emailed, printed, copied again, and whatever can’t be faxed again is promptly filed away.
All this paperwork makes me look so busy, co-workers often comment on my industriousness … and then I deride them for their own personal lack of initiative and dedication, which has been the hallmark of my amazing and patriotic successes.
I had almost forgotten how much I love my job.
It’s good to be back.
Thursday
Wednesday
99.99% Crap
Predator Press
[LOBO]
So much for taking a break.
This morning, I cheated on Predator Press.
I cut and pasted three stories from this blog (“A Fairy Tale”, “Silent Night Holy Crap”, and “Love is a Funny Thing”) at www.writing.com.
I feel like such a filthy whore.
But I got four and a half stars out of a possible five in my first review. So screw it.
Now, I know you’re thinking ”Oh jeez, now his ego is gonna be unbearable.”
Hell yeah you’re freakin right it is! Woo-HOO! Egomaniacs are looking at me and going “Jesus Christ, I wish I had his ego right now!”
Hey, this writing stuff takes a lot of time, and it’s virtually thankless. So I’m having a self high-five today.
Okay, I'm done.
Still, those are older pieces; my favorite stories are the newer ones with people that are flamboyantly flawed and infinitely more interesting. Which is sad in a way ... should I go back to the older stuff?
For instance, “A Slicing Device” --my adaptation of “A Christmas Carol” (God, that’s funny now that I think about it)-- is a much better piece in my opinion. But it doesn’t make much sense without the backstory of the cast: you can't submit stuff like that to anybody at all.
I think this means I’m writing an exponential amount of unappreciable, non-profit crap.
Well, the world needs crap too.
What else would we do with all those toilets?
[LOBO]
So much for taking a break.
This morning, I cheated on Predator Press.
I cut and pasted three stories from this blog (“A Fairy Tale”, “Silent Night Holy Crap”, and “Love is a Funny Thing”) at www.writing.com.
I feel like such a filthy whore.
But I got four and a half stars out of a possible five in my first review. So screw it.
Now, I know you’re thinking ”Oh jeez, now his ego is gonna be unbearable.”
Hell yeah you’re freakin right it is! Woo-HOO! Egomaniacs are looking at me and going “Jesus Christ, I wish I had his ego right now!”
Hey, this writing stuff takes a lot of time, and it’s virtually thankless. So I’m having a self high-five today.
Okay, I'm done.
Still, those are older pieces; my favorite stories are the newer ones with people that are flamboyantly flawed and infinitely more interesting. Which is sad in a way ... should I go back to the older stuff?
For instance, “A Slicing Device” --my adaptation of “A Christmas Carol” (God, that’s funny now that I think about it)-- is a much better piece in my opinion. But it doesn’t make much sense without the backstory of the cast: you can't submit stuff like that to anybody at all.
I think this means I’m writing an exponential amount of unappreciable, non-profit crap.
Well, the world needs crap too.
What else would we do with all those toilets?
Tuesday
Chutes and Chutes
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Spitefully, the sun does rise.
Ethan hangs up the phone, removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. “We've lost another staff member.”
“Was it Cobe?”
“No,” Ethan sighs. “Seth is gone.”
“Who?”
“Mister Insanity.”
“No shit. That guy?”
“They found his body in a cheap motel in St. Paul, Minnesota.” He shakes his head. “The ‘official’,” Ethan makes quote marks in the air with his fingers, “cause of death was a heart attack. But the investigation is suggesting suicide.” Setting his glasses on his desk, he wonders aloud. “Who knew you could actually drink yourself to death on Fuzzy Navels? They said the room was just covered in orange peels.”
“Well if there were such a thing as 'death by cheerleaders', working those hotlines would certainly be a lot more fun.” I turn the page of the newspaper I’m pretending to read. “Hey, he only made it eight months,” I reflect. “How did he get a week of vacation already?”
“When someone asks to take a week off to go spend it in St. Paul, Minnesota, I don’t ask too many questions. They’re pretty fucked up.” Ethan swivels in his chair to look out the window. “Still, eight months is somewhat of an improvement,” Ethan admits.
“Aren't you getting these people pre-hire physicals?”
Ethan sighs. "Don't you ever get sick of this?"
"This what?"
"This," he says, gesturing around him. "Predator Press."
"Every day," I says. "What are you saying?"
"I think it's time for a breather."
"You mean quit posting for a while? Maybe going out and getting a life? Getting the sun on me? Maybe getting laid?"
"Yeah."
"Who needs that crap?"
"Fuck, lately I'm within inches of just deleting the whole goddamned thing."
"Ethan, I'm almost certain I've repeatedly pointed out how lazy I am. The real world is no place for the likes of me." I put down the newspaper. "I went to the grocery store one time and let me tell you, it was a fucking nightmare. People kept waking me up bumping shopping carts into me --that place was full of jerks.
"I think it's over. At least for a while."
"Well," I sigh. "At least we left on a high note."
[LOBO]
Spitefully, the sun does rise.
Ethan hangs up the phone, removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. “We've lost another staff member.”
“Was it Cobe?”
“No,” Ethan sighs. “Seth is gone.”
“Who?”
“Mister Insanity.”
“No shit. That guy?”
“They found his body in a cheap motel in St. Paul, Minnesota.” He shakes his head. “The ‘official’,” Ethan makes quote marks in the air with his fingers, “cause of death was a heart attack. But the investigation is suggesting suicide.” Setting his glasses on his desk, he wonders aloud. “Who knew you could actually drink yourself to death on Fuzzy Navels? They said the room was just covered in orange peels.”
“Well if there were such a thing as 'death by cheerleaders', working those hotlines would certainly be a lot more fun.” I turn the page of the newspaper I’m pretending to read. “Hey, he only made it eight months,” I reflect. “How did he get a week of vacation already?”
“When someone asks to take a week off to go spend it in St. Paul, Minnesota, I don’t ask too many questions. They’re pretty fucked up.” Ethan swivels in his chair to look out the window. “Still, eight months is somewhat of an improvement,” Ethan admits.
“Aren't you getting these people pre-hire physicals?”
Ethan sighs. "Don't you ever get sick of this?"
"This what?"
"This," he says, gesturing around him. "Predator Press."
"Every day," I says. "What are you saying?"
"I think it's time for a breather."
"You mean quit posting for a while? Maybe going out and getting a life? Getting the sun on me? Maybe getting laid?"
"Yeah."
"Who needs that crap?"
"Fuck, lately I'm within inches of just deleting the whole goddamned thing."
"Ethan, I'm almost certain I've repeatedly pointed out how lazy I am. The real world is no place for the likes of me." I put down the newspaper. "I went to the grocery store one time and let me tell you, it was a fucking nightmare. People kept waking me up bumping shopping carts into me --that place was full of jerks.
"I think it's over. At least for a while."
"Well," I sigh. "At least we left on a high note."
Monday
Dead Ahead
Predator Press
[Mr Insanity]
As a kid, I once witnessed a barfight.
I remember seeing blood on the pool table soaking into the green velvet --and it was the "blackest" black you could imagine.
Maybe it was the lighting.
Today, I'm a living testament that there is nothing that can't be outdone.
It’s noon on New Years Day, and I’ve already screwed up all five of my “Resolutions”. And as soon as this artsy Bohemian chick wakes up, I’m breaking number four a few more times. Hopefully she will simply leave without incident afterward, not arrogantly hoping to toy with my little black heart like an amateur surgeon binging on whiskey and PCP.
I’ve had my fill of that, thanks. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
Admittedly, this is not the product of “social” drinking; this is the result of balls-out wanton and savage revenge drinking. I remember watching "Leaving Las Vegas" on Christmas Eve –a great feelgood romance comedy that’s fun for the whole family, I might add-- trying to muster strength from a vacuum to continue wrestling these demons. "The Fisher King" carried me for a little while. But not a violent man, I have no recourse but to turn unmanaged rage inward. So why deny it? I have catching up to do.
Well, there’s always today. Death by inches, while cowardly, can be very worthwhile with some creative effort. With a little hard work, luck, perseverance, and a lot of accelerants, it won’t take much time at all to be completely destroyed altogether. This coupled with some advance planning and an optimistic ‘can-do’ attitude can even make being slowly murdered fun; just lather, rinse, repeat. The details will take care of themselves.
Bungled and botched, I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the Millennium.
And I've learned to accept it.
[Mr Insanity]
As a kid, I once witnessed a barfight.
I remember seeing blood on the pool table soaking into the green velvet --and it was the "blackest" black you could imagine.
Maybe it was the lighting.
Today, I'm a living testament that there is nothing that can't be outdone.
It’s noon on New Years Day, and I’ve already screwed up all five of my “Resolutions”. And as soon as this artsy Bohemian chick wakes up, I’m breaking number four a few more times. Hopefully she will simply leave without incident afterward, not arrogantly hoping to toy with my little black heart like an amateur surgeon binging on whiskey and PCP.
I’ve had my fill of that, thanks. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
Admittedly, this is not the product of “social” drinking; this is the result of balls-out wanton and savage revenge drinking. I remember watching "Leaving Las Vegas" on Christmas Eve –a great feelgood romance comedy that’s fun for the whole family, I might add-- trying to muster strength from a vacuum to continue wrestling these demons. "The Fisher King" carried me for a little while. But not a violent man, I have no recourse but to turn unmanaged rage inward. So why deny it? I have catching up to do.
Well, there’s always today. Death by inches, while cowardly, can be very worthwhile with some creative effort. With a little hard work, luck, perseverance, and a lot of accelerants, it won’t take much time at all to be completely destroyed altogether. This coupled with some advance planning and an optimistic ‘can-do’ attitude can even make being slowly murdered fun; just lather, rinse, repeat. The details will take care of themselves.
Bungled and botched, I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the Millennium.
And I've learned to accept it.
Sunday
Violated
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I’m dreaming.
Rush Limbaugh is playing golf, and I’m hiding behind a nearby tree --surrounded by water balloons.
I must be careful which balloon I select; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. It must be full enough to make a good splash at this distance, but not so firm as it would burst during the hurl …
“Mr. Curr!” exclaims Nurse Garrison.
Waking slowly, I realize I am holding her breasts.
Mortified, I smacked her.
[LOBO] I’m dreaming.
Rush Limbaugh is playing golf, and I’m hiding behind a nearby tree --surrounded by water balloons.
I must be careful which balloon I select; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. It must be full enough to make a good splash at this distance, but not so firm as it would burst during the hurl …
“Mr. Curr!” exclaims Nurse Garrison.
Waking slowly, I realize I am holding her breasts.
Mortified, I smacked her.
Frostbyte
Predator Press
[Mr Insanity]
“If it wasn’t Ethan’s request,” Captain Reinhardt yelled over the deafening semi-steady throb of the helicopter, “I would never fly in these circumstances”.
Diminutive, Cobe sat bundled up in his huge arctic gear looking more like a kid on the school bus. He said nothing due mostly to nausea; at this point, even exhaling might bring an uncontrollable fit of vomiting all over the cockpit.
He tried closing his eyes for a bit, but that didn’t help. "Motion sickness," LOBO once explained while Cobe barfed over the side of Ethan’s yacht, "has something to do with losing track of the horizon. The magnets in your head get all scrambled up or something."
Cobe forced his eyes open, and stared into a plain white sky. It was snowing so hard, you couldn’t see the edge of the rotors.
“So what,” laughed Reinhardt, trying to lighten the mood. “You tell Ethan you wanted to get away for a while or something?” The pitch of the engine changed as he fought the buffeting winds with the stick. “I just hope this little gizmo doesn’t start freezing up like it did last time.”
Something dark loomed into Cobe’s vision.
Cobe pointed.
Reinhardt looked up from the stick, and saw it too.
A mountain.
“Whoa!” laughed Reinhardt, throwing the tiny chopper into a gut-wrenching starboard dive. “That could’ve gone badly.” Arching within meters around the cliff face, he exhales in relief. “It’s right here somewhere,” he says. He presses a button on his helmet, and Cobe can hear him over the radio. ”Chuck, this is Jerry, do you copy?”
Static.
“See anything?”
White.
Wait.
Cobe points to two faint glowing rods, swinging like pendulums in the distance.
“There he is,” says Reinhardt, shrugging. “Communications must be out again.”
[Mr Insanity]
“If it wasn’t Ethan’s request,” Captain Reinhardt yelled over the deafening semi-steady throb of the helicopter, “I would never fly in these circumstances”.
Diminutive, Cobe sat bundled up in his huge arctic gear looking more like a kid on the school bus. He said nothing due mostly to nausea; at this point, even exhaling might bring an uncontrollable fit of vomiting all over the cockpit.
He tried closing his eyes for a bit, but that didn’t help. "Motion sickness," LOBO once explained while Cobe barfed over the side of Ethan’s yacht, "has something to do with losing track of the horizon. The magnets in your head get all scrambled up or something."
Cobe forced his eyes open, and stared into a plain white sky. It was snowing so hard, you couldn’t see the edge of the rotors.
“So what,” laughed Reinhardt, trying to lighten the mood. “You tell Ethan you wanted to get away for a while or something?” The pitch of the engine changed as he fought the buffeting winds with the stick. “I just hope this little gizmo doesn’t start freezing up like it did last time.”
Something dark loomed into Cobe’s vision.
Cobe pointed.
Reinhardt looked up from the stick, and saw it too.
A mountain.
“Whoa!” laughed Reinhardt, throwing the tiny chopper into a gut-wrenching starboard dive. “That could’ve gone badly.” Arching within meters around the cliff face, he exhales in relief. “It’s right here somewhere,” he says. He presses a button on his helmet, and Cobe can hear him over the radio. ”Chuck, this is Jerry, do you copy?”
Static.
“See anything?”
White.
Wait.
Cobe points to two faint glowing rods, swinging like pendulums in the distance.
“There he is,” says Reinhardt, shrugging. “Communications must be out again.”
Saturday
Paper Machete
Predator Press
[Mr Insanity]
I didn’t want to watch Saddam Hussein die.
Which is not to say I don’t think he deserved to die; I just didn’t really want to see it replayed over and over on my television.
If this makes me a hypocrite and a coward, I’m okay with that. I plead guilty.
Hell, Bush slept through it.
This blog doesn’t really deal with topical matters, history, cultural issues, personal problems, et cetera. It’s a comic strip of sorts; a cartoon generally wrapped around tragically flawed people behaving badly, superimposed upon events in normal everyday life. And rather than endorse such behavior, I would like to think it handles the Karmic payback in a rather elegant --and occasionally funny-- manner.
The overall dynamics aren’t really that different than your garden-variety sitcom: Ethan, the fatherly figure. Cobe --the guy that everyone vehemently hates despite the fact that he makes everything “tick”-- is a mom of sorts. LOBO represents the 5-year old “id” that lies in every man, and I guess that leaves me, the cruel older stepsister that is always trying to make the pest stick a fork in the light socket.
Everything is fairly formulaic as such. Aside from this poorly-lit, flimsy paper mache diorama –and horse fucking, or advice on how to safely apply Rain-X to your webcam-- there isn’t anything really unique about it at all; people have been writing like this for thousands of years. All the relationships run in triangles. Character “a” has a relationship with character “b”, but character “c”….
Despite this deceptive simplicity, on occasion you get the easy part; sometimes I hit the “Publish” button to send out a post about a twisted galactic odyssey of hedonistic horseshit so someone can maybe get a laugh or two, only to face a real world which is infinitely more complex, non-sensical, and sadistically ruthless.
Maybe, in some weird way, it does have a certain dignity.
It’s safer in here.
We have a sense of humor.
[Mr Insanity]
I didn’t want to watch Saddam Hussein die.
Which is not to say I don’t think he deserved to die; I just didn’t really want to see it replayed over and over on my television.
If this makes me a hypocrite and a coward, I’m okay with that. I plead guilty.
Hell, Bush slept through it.
This blog doesn’t really deal with topical matters, history, cultural issues, personal problems, et cetera. It’s a comic strip of sorts; a cartoon generally wrapped around tragically flawed people behaving badly, superimposed upon events in normal everyday life. And rather than endorse such behavior, I would like to think it handles the Karmic payback in a rather elegant --and occasionally funny-- manner.
The overall dynamics aren’t really that different than your garden-variety sitcom: Ethan, the fatherly figure. Cobe --the guy that everyone vehemently hates despite the fact that he makes everything “tick”-- is a mom of sorts. LOBO represents the 5-year old “id” that lies in every man, and I guess that leaves me, the cruel older stepsister that is always trying to make the pest stick a fork in the light socket.
Everything is fairly formulaic as such. Aside from this poorly-lit, flimsy paper mache diorama –and horse fucking, or advice on how to safely apply Rain-X to your webcam-- there isn’t anything really unique about it at all; people have been writing like this for thousands of years. All the relationships run in triangles. Character “a” has a relationship with character “b”, but character “c”….
Despite this deceptive simplicity, on occasion you get the easy part; sometimes I hit the “Publish” button to send out a post about a twisted galactic odyssey of hedonistic horseshit so someone can maybe get a laugh or two, only to face a real world which is infinitely more complex, non-sensical, and sadistically ruthless.
Maybe, in some weird way, it does have a certain dignity.
It’s safer in here.
We have a sense of humor.
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