Outscourging

Predator Press

[Ethan]


CONGRATULATIONS GOOD PEOPLE OF SYKTYVKAR

We are moving our operations, and from millions have selected your wonderful and wholesome community of Proletariat-loving Сыктывка́р.

This was based on your keen industrial prowess, multi-national trade access, long history of tolerance for good-natured ribbing of political figures, outstanding surplus of livestock, complete unpronounceability, absolute gamekilling Scrabble score, and just overall fun-loving nature.

Bravo!

We’re not exactly sure why you are standing in line already. But if it is for jobs, please start cutting down the trees and stacking them neatly on the South Wall. And make sure they are stacked upright behind the smog factory, and to the west of the Starbucks. By all those goats.

For this, you will be rewarded:

* .04% of a Ruble Per Metric Ton of Your Natural Resources
* Democracy
* Freedom
* Leniency from your Future Oppressors
* Tents
* Tasty Water and
* a Free Subscription to Predator Press
plus many coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond!

There's a Cold War on here people, so let's get moving.

Those Capitalist Pig-Dogs could arrive at any second.



"What? Warsaw is in Poland?" I complain to Cobe.

"Yes sir."

"Well crap ... what do I tell all these people on this Press Release?"

Vacation

Predator Press

[Ethan]

"All right everyone, according to the GPS locator I had surgically implanted in lobo's genitalia, he's in Russia ... or whatever they're calling it now. I'll just turn the power on it to max and check."

[the lights dim]

"Yep," I says, checking the readout, "And I'll bet he's going to be hiding under a table with foil on his head again. He hates when I do that."

"Don't you think he'd notice surgery down there?" asked Cobe.

"You'd think so. But a couple of years ago I told him that really verile men grow a third testicle. Then all I had to do was get him drunk and call in the Radio Shack salesman to install it. lobo was so proud for the next month he wouldn't wear underwear or pants just to show everyone."

Cobe winces, "Ugh ... I remember that."

"Well, if he's going to try and hide from this there's only one thing I can do: We're moving the whole damn business to Russia. Start dimantling everything. You have six hours to get moved."

My Unrequited Love is a STUD

Predator Press

[Mr I]

“It’s not impossible,” says RDO. “She’s a prototype. The tiny 'fertile' switch on her back has been fused for weeks, triggering full-blown ovulation. My God man, she could have had hundreds by now simply by osmosis." He pauses thoughtfully. "There must have been some sort of power surge recently that voided her warranty --as well as numerous other implied Extended Service Plans.”

“Get me LOBO on the phone,” says Ethan.


***

“Hey buddy!” says Ethan into the speakerphone. “How is the vacation going?”

“Well to be honest sir, I thought the Bahamas would be a lot warmer,” says the static.

[inaudible]

“What is that rattling sound?” asks Ethan, tapping the speakerphone.

“That would be my spine, sir. Warsaw sucks despite all that bullshit tropical hype.” The voice trails off for a second. “Sir, could you please arrange for me to return quickly? I’m fucking freezing--”

“Sure,” says Ethan, thrilled that everything is so simple. “We need you back for a paternity test anyways.”

“I never met the chick sir,” says the static. “Oh my God I am so cold …”

“It’s Sapphire.”

[pause]

“Sir, this test is coming at a very bad time,” says the disembodied speakerphone. “This place is fantastic, and I’m exploring some amazing career opportunities. Just give me another month or two. Your breaking up quite a bit now. What!?! Sasquach? Oh my GO---!!"

[dial tone]

Bombshell

Predator Press

[COBE]

Sapphire slipped into the office quietly. “Cobe, is LOBO gone on his vacation?”

“Yes,” he sighs. “And I feel like we are all on vacation for the next ten weeks.”

Suddenly, he realizes Sapphire is crying.

“Oh my God Sapphire,” he says, leaping to his feet. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“Cobe, can I tell you something you can never tell another human being?”

“Of course, my dear. Anything.”

Here comes the wind up ...

“I’m pregnant!” she wails.

... and we are outta here.

Bilge

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I got up early. Showered, shaved, pony tailed, suited, the works.

I would go as far as to say I looked rather dapper.

But 16 miles at 105 MPH in 17 degrees with my car door bungee-corded shut changed the game a little … My hair, still wet when I left, has flash-frozen closely to my head.

Goddamnnit, it’s perfect. I mean seriously: my hair is magnificent. Maybe I don't need a new car after all ...

And as predicted, Ethan really doesn’t seem to care about me getting some time off, as long as I get it cleared with the Director of Operations.

The Director of Operations, of course, is Cobe.

Houston, we may have a problem.


***

“We have concerns about how the corporate image Predator Press has evolved this year,” he says.

“Our image is fine,” I insist impatiently.

“Really?” says Cobe, thumping a big file on his desk. “Assault on a noted environmentalist, the attempted homicide of Santa Claus—“

“Okay fine. We’ve hit some speed bumps,” LOBO admits. "Look, I'll give you a quarter--"

Cobe’s eyes narrow. “You also tried to have me killed,” he says thinly.

“It was for a good cause,” I offer.

“Well, I think you should have to postpone your vacation until you have done something to repair the tarnish public image we are enduring.”

“What about all my charity work?”

“Ah, yes. Breast and Ovarian Cancer,” Cobe replies. “I would like to see something a little more tangible. Something more visible on a local level.”

“Like what?”




***

So I’m sitting outside the Kmart, freezing to death.

Dressed as Santa Claus.

I bang my bell on the red pot, yelling at bewildered customers through my fake beard. “You unpatriotic, cheapskate deadbeats! The French could kick the crap out of this so-called 'Army' … !”

Exit Wounds

Predator Press

[Mr I]

The best thing about dating Sapphire was it was a fun secret around the office.

But here it is, the biggest, craziest psychotic week of the year --courtesy of LOBO-- and poof, she's gone.

I was really starting to like her too.

But face it guys; once the hooks are in, you're done. Everything you do is for 'the couple', everything she does is for her.

It starts really sneaky. First she’s working on your little things, nuisance behaviors. Then appearance and health. Then ultimately, your boozing and whoring. Then she's ditching you for big stuff with evasive excuses, careful about which calls she answers around you, keeping crazy nocturnal hours and friends, all the while balancing an appearance of a commitment as long as the commitment doesn't require too much risk or effort ...

Nothing too inconvenient. It's not like we have anything actually at stake here.

I've been working 24-7 on a "relationship" with someone who has no idea who I am, has no time, and wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. And I’m so dumb, I sat there for a while wondering “What happened?”

For a few days, anyways.

Free Lunch

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In a last ditch effort to mooch the free vacation I deserve rather than actually paying for anything, I broke into Bertram.

Again.

Doctor Keller was utterly confounded. "How do you keep getting in here?" he says, exasperated.

"Getting in is the easy part Doc," I brag. "The real trick is getting into the straight jacket."

"And how do you do that?"

"I have very nimble toes."