[LOBO]People are always asking me, "LOBO, what is the secret to your staggering successes when it comes to keeping women happy?"
Well, I'm glad you asked me that. Now, happily married for well over a year, I feel I am qualified to lecture comprehensively on the subject.
As a busy and successful entrepreneur, trying to fit in all my meetings, alien and zombie insurrections and Muscle and Fitness photo shoots barely leave me any time whatsoever for my more scientific endeavors –let alone the day-to-day chores such as taking out the garbage; one only has to have his still-beating heart ripped from his chest and impaled by salted glass shards a dozen times or so before he realizes that there is definitely room for improvement in overall relationship contentment and stability.
One solution that showed moderate success was to ensure Terri had an ample and adequate supply of chocolate available. This often seemed to “take the edge off” of conventional disputes: when chocolate chip cookies and/or brownies were readily on hand, she would often forget to salt the glass -in fact there were times when she didn’t even impale the pulsing organ with any salted objects whatsoever, instead electing to douse it in gasoline and torch it with matches. While not considered entirely a success, this did in fact provide a sterilizing effect and cauterize the points where her fingernails penetrated, significantly improving the odds of surgical reinstallation.
The seemingly obvious solution –to actually remember to take out the trash- is a simpleminded, Luddite-esqe approach. Why go through all that effort if modern chemistry could take care of all that for you? I then presented the crack staff of Predator Press Scienticians with this problem.
According to the rjxchange.com, “Studies have shown that people in love have an unusually high amount of [Chocolate], thus, [Chocolate] is also known as the “love drug.” [Chocolate] increases blood pressure and sugar levels and creates the feeling of well being and [Chocolate] contentment.”
And so what if the article was really about heroin? The solution is clear: an abundance of chocolate is indeed the key. Confident I was “on” to something, I designed a custom Chips Ahoy holster and spent countless hours practicing a quick-draw technique –ultimately achieving a high level of deadly accuracy.
Unfortunately Terri, when upset, can be very uncooperative with science: numerous computer simulations were conducted, proving conclusively that the cookies would simply shatter against her clenched and growling jaw serving only to enrage her further. (Worse, the broken cookies would only contribute to the afore mentioned neglected trash.)
Thus it was back to the drawing board. If Terri was to resist high doses of chocolate as they are required, what good is this knowledge at all?
And that’s when we developed the Predator Press Chocolate Blowdart [retailing at $799.50, available at Ace Hardware and Autozone]. Days of garbage-forgetting ambushes can be a thing of the past: with a simple deep breath and exhale, you too can watch as your formely-hostile spouse’s eyes glaze over in loving contentedness. And once sedated, you can “tag” them with such pertinent information such as address, blood type, a tracking device, and a microchip preemptively transmitting anniversaries and pertinent birthdays to your Blackberry.Order today and receive a $10 off coupon for the Predator Press Skillet of Love and free shipping.
