Predator Press
[LOBO]
Saturday
Sunday
Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Dear Mr. Steven Spielberg,
As your bodyguards continue to remind me, this is in direct violation of my Temporary Restraining Order. But I cannot in good conscience let you miss out on this script, and the other ones I sent you came back smelling suspiciously like urine. My mailman probably stole the check you issued.
Enclosed is the first three chapters of my screenplay Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome. While one thousand six hundred and seven pages might seem a bit cumbersome, please remember that they are double-spaced for your reading convenience.
To summarize, Joaquin Phoenix reprises his role as Johnny Cash who has risen from the dead in a post-apocalyptic world due to bad Tina Turner music. Then he becomes a Rabbi and is forced to kick the shit out of Mad Max (portrayed by Mel Gibson).
Humiliated, Mad Max is forced underground and forges an uneasy alliance with Batman and the “A” Team: together they create a the Death Dradle which threatens to wipe out Thunderdome which -while redundant- meanaces however many extras we can pick up fast and “on the cheap.”
Alerted to the Death Dradle’s sinister purpose, the population of Thunderdome rally behind Johnny, and the six of them design and create a lethal countermeasure: The Aurora Menorah. This plan –essentially throwing sand and scorpions at anyone with a Mohawk hairstyle- is doomed to failure however: the Mohawk guys have invisible motorcycles and guns.
Johnny Cash -now known as "Snake"- is captured, and Thunderdome is immediately retaken by Max. But Johnny’s last wish before his execution is to play an invisible guitar, and he plays a song so bluesy and sad Batman –his guard- hangs himself with his own BatCables™ . Johnny, after administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on Batman and triggering numerous lawsuits from DC Comics, escapes with the aid of his newfound pet rat Ben and continues on with his plan to assassinate Hitler.
Fleeing into the desert, Johnny is beset by visions and memories of his past life, realizing he died fairly definitively in the movie Walk the Line.
-Indeed, Johnny must be the world’s first musical Jewish zombie!
And if anti-Semitic Mad Max was going to be defeated, Johnny has to learn to set aside his overpowering musical Jewish zombie craving for brains: this sets the stage for some fantastic Oscar-worthy performances:
DIALOGUE EXCERPT
“Ben,” says tormented Johnny. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“How the fuck could I know?” says the rat (voiced by Bruce Willis).
“Can’t I have just a little bit of brains?”
“No,” says Ben. “It’s a strict discipline.”
“But I caught you eating my bicep yesterday! Can I at least lick the brain spoon after you put the chocolate chips and sprinkles in it?”
“Let me have the bicep and I’ll think it over.”
“Done. Here.”
“No,” says Ben between chews. "Now get on your invisible motorcycle. Tina Turner just issued a press release calling you Bigfoot's Manifesto."
END DIALOGUE EXCERPT
Steven, I have no doubt you -the premier visionary Director of the Twentieth Centurion- see immediately in the genius of this script. Please call me to begin negotiations at 555-999-5150.
And hurry up.
-It’s a payphone.
[LOBO]Dear Mr. Steven Spielberg,
As your bodyguards continue to remind me, this is in direct violation of my Temporary Restraining Order. But I cannot in good conscience let you miss out on this script, and the other ones I sent you came back smelling suspiciously like urine. My mailman probably stole the check you issued.
Enclosed is the first three chapters of my screenplay Johnny Cash: Beyond Thunderdome. While one thousand six hundred and seven pages might seem a bit cumbersome, please remember that they are double-spaced for your reading convenience.
To summarize, Joaquin Phoenix reprises his role as Johnny Cash who has risen from the dead in a post-apocalyptic world due to bad Tina Turner music. Then he becomes a Rabbi and is forced to kick the shit out of Mad Max (portrayed by Mel Gibson).
Humiliated, Mad Max is forced underground and forges an uneasy alliance with Batman and the “A” Team: together they create a the Death Dradle which threatens to wipe out Thunderdome which -while redundant- meanaces however many extras we can pick up fast and “on the cheap.”
Alerted to the Death Dradle’s sinister purpose, the population of Thunderdome rally behind Johnny, and the six of them design and create a lethal countermeasure: The Aurora Menorah. This plan –essentially throwing sand and scorpions at anyone with a Mohawk hairstyle- is doomed to failure however: the Mohawk guys have invisible motorcycles and guns.
Johnny Cash -now known as "Snake"- is captured, and Thunderdome is immediately retaken by Max. But Johnny’s last wish before his execution is to play an invisible guitar, and he plays a song so bluesy and sad Batman –his guard- hangs himself with his own BatCables™ . Johnny, after administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on Batman and triggering numerous lawsuits from DC Comics, escapes with the aid of his newfound pet rat Ben and continues on with his plan to assassinate Hitler.
Fleeing into the desert, Johnny is beset by visions and memories of his past life, realizing he died fairly definitively in the movie Walk the Line.
-Indeed, Johnny must be the world’s first musical Jewish zombie!
And if anti-Semitic Mad Max was going to be defeated, Johnny has to learn to set aside his overpowering musical Jewish zombie craving for brains: this sets the stage for some fantastic Oscar-worthy performances:
“Ben,” says tormented Johnny. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“How the fuck could I know?” says the rat (voiced by Bruce Willis).
“Can’t I have just a little bit of brains?”
“No,” says Ben. “It’s a strict discipline.”
“But I caught you eating my bicep yesterday! Can I at least lick the brain spoon after you put the chocolate chips and sprinkles in it?”
“Let me have the bicep and I’ll think it over.”
“Done. Here.”
“No,” says Ben between chews. "Now get on your invisible motorcycle. Tina Turner just issued a press release calling you Bigfoot's Manifesto."
Steven, I have no doubt you -the premier visionary Director of the Twentieth Centurion- see immediately in the genius of this script. Please call me to begin negotiations at 555-999-5150.
And hurry up.
-It’s a payphone.
Saturday
Sunday
Exclusive: Wikipedia Search Casts Doubt on Bin Laden Assassination
Predator Press[LOBO]
Q 1: How could a seal possibly have pulled the trigger?
Fact: Seals don’t have opposable thumbs. And perhaps more importantly, they don’t have shoulders. Am I supposed to believe a “navy” seal swam to Pakistan carrying an AK-47 in its flippers the whole way?
Those guns have straps for a reason.
Q 2: What the hell is a "navy" seal doing in the dessert anyway?
Fact: Osama bin Laden [ObL] wasn’t holed out on some parfait. That’s a dessert. A desert, it turns out, is a place like the beach except there is explicitly no ocean by definition. So where did the “navy” park all their boats an crap without somebody seeing them do it?
Remember this isn’t attacking a dessert -you can’t just throw sprinkles on your aircraft carrier and hope for the best ... Pakistan would have hit you broadside with a strawberry in a second.
Q 3: Why does President Obama’s Birth Certificate make no mention of the effort?
Fact: Obama’s Birth Certificate was created by ancients like fifteen or twenty years ago, and it could not have known about the events that transpired on 9/11.-Or could it? Obama's Birth Certificate contains a wealth of knowledge about Obama such as where and when he was born, his parents' names, and the fact that he was once black.
The Birth Certificate, therefore, has demonstrated repeated culpability and motive in the entire presidency from infancy -maybe even from inception.
So how can we ever know that the afore-mentioned Birth Certificate itself didn’t hide Mother Obama’s birth control on that fateful, romantic night in Syria or Iran?
-Or that the fate of America‘s 2008 president wasn't SEALED [eh?] that night on a blue EPT stick by Hitler himself?
Hm?
Saturday
The History of the World
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Occasionally, I am reminded that a lot of things had to happen for me to happen. And as the final culmination of all that galactic effort, I feel we should take a moment to reflect and appreciate the things that made me possible.
ne day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the dump we all know as Earth.
Inevitably Jesus, bored, snuck into the garage alone. And there was the Earth, sitting in God's vice grips, getting ready for it's last application of water sealant. Jesus, a mischievous lil scamp, paused from making slurpy sounds long enough to take a piece of ice out of his Pepsi, and dropped it on the hapless planet.
"Look out Noah!" he cried. "I'm killing the dinosaurs!"
Noah floated all over the place, and finally discovered America. And because he had all the animals, Noah quickly cornered the market on fast food franchises -crushing the vegetarian competition. This depressed the vegetarian Steve Jobs so much, he started working on computers. Steve Jobs would subsequently invent the iPod, and thusly made space exploration possible. And a lot less boring. His company, Apple, would go on to defeat the Pharaoh buy dropping frogs on him via helicopter. While perhaps not the most effective method of warfare, it is certainly by far the funniest: after a few years that Pharaoh was freaking out. "Why are all these frogs falling on me?" he would demand from the Jews. The Jews, tired of cleaning frog guts off of the pyramids, formed a tax-free consortium and bought up 51% of Egypt in a hostile takeover bid.
The Pharaoh was summarily fired from the Board of Directors, and the Jews lived happily ever after.
[LOBO]
Occasionally, I am reminded that a lot of things had to happen for me to happen. And as the final culmination of all that galactic effort, I feel we should take a moment to reflect and appreciate the things that made me possible.
ne day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the dump we all know as Earth.Inevitably Jesus, bored, snuck into the garage alone. And there was the Earth, sitting in God's vice grips, getting ready for it's last application of water sealant. Jesus, a mischievous lil scamp, paused from making slurpy sounds long enough to take a piece of ice out of his Pepsi, and dropped it on the hapless planet.
Noah floated all over the place, and finally discovered America. And because he had all the animals, Noah quickly cornered the market on fast food franchises -crushing the vegetarian competition. This depressed the vegetarian Steve Jobs so much, he started working on computers. Steve Jobs would subsequently invent the iPod, and thusly made space exploration possible. And a lot less boring. His company, Apple, would go on to defeat the Pharaoh buy dropping frogs on him via helicopter. While perhaps not the most effective method of warfare, it is certainly by far the funniest: after a few years that Pharaoh was freaking out. "Why are all these frogs falling on me?" he would demand from the Jews. The Jews, tired of cleaning frog guts off of the pyramids, formed a tax-free consortium and bought up 51% of Egypt in a hostile takeover bid.
The Pharaoh was summarily fired from the Board of Directors, and the Jews lived happily ever after.
Thursday
Tuesday
Saturday
Detroit Lions to Place Calvin “Megatron” Johnson on Waivers
[LOBO]
“This is not a reflection on Calvin’s football skills,” insists Offensive Coordinator Scott Linehan. “He’s just too big.”
Complaints about Johnson –an unabashed armrest hog- aren’t limited to airline travel.
“He farts a lot," says Matthew Stafford, quarterback. "And every time he sees a Volkswagen, he punches me and giggles ‘Slugbug.’ Don’t ask me what a ‘PT Bruiser’ is. It’s just ugly all-around.”
“I should be worried about football,” remarks Lions Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham. “But most of the season I’m completely preoccupied with making sure Calvin and Rex Ryan aren’t at the same continental breakfast.”
Wednesday
Ask LOBO
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, why can’t I get Predator Press merchandise?"
Well I’m glad you asked me that.
You can all stop setting yourselves on fire demanding it. You can all stop jumping off of buildings demanding it. You can all stop setting yourselves on fire and then jumping off of buildings demanding it!
They are here:
Now I’ve noticed a slight problem with the first 150,000 I had made, and this brings me to my first disclaimer: Predator Press t-shirts do not come with Spellcheck installed.
These were intended to be $9.99. But I had to send them back and get them corrected:
Now, correctly stenciled, they came in at $26.99 apiece.
But that looks kinda weird, right? So I had them sent back a third time. And for the low-low price of $69.50, I give you the Official Predator Press T-Shirt:
Click on it to enlarge!
It’s 100% polyester. That's four times the ester!
[LOBO]Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, why can’t I get Predator Press merchandise?"
Well I’m glad you asked me that.
You can all stop setting yourselves on fire demanding it. You can all stop jumping off of buildings demanding it. You can all stop setting yourselves on fire and then jumping off of buildings demanding it!
They are here:
Now I’ve noticed a slight problem with the first 150,000 I had made, and this brings me to my first disclaimer: Predator Press t-shirts do not come with Spellcheck installed.
These were intended to be $9.99. But I had to send them back and get them corrected:
Now, correctly stenciled, they came in at $26.99 apiece.
But that looks kinda weird, right? So I had them sent back a third time. And for the low-low price of $69.50, I give you the Official Predator Press T-Shirt:
Saturday
Pondering
Predator Press [LOBO]
So I'm just hanging around the lily pad, minding my own fucking business, right? And along comes this gigantic human princess.
She's stompin' around, pickin up my buddies -BOOM BOOM SPLASH BOOM *smooch*, BOOM SPLASH BOOM BOOM BOOM *smooch*- I mean she is sexually harassing everyone in the pond.
Deeply offended, I blink my left eye. This isn't 'that' sort of pond ... this is a family pond. And this lady is really risking numerous lawsuits.
-Or if nothing else, a very long series of angry letters.
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