Sunday

iwantone.exe


Predator Press

[LOBO]

Everyone laughed when I gave them the list of what I wanted for my Birthday back in February. "Sure we can get you a pony," they would scoff. "But the LOST smoke monster doesn't even exist."

Thank GOD for my friend Flandsa Ha’asasanba who happened to answer my Customer Service call to VISA.

Fuck VISA "Platinum" -for the paltry sum all of Terri's banking info, I got a Visa UNOBTANIUM card. And the pony arrives tomorrow.

-Jesus I hope the smoke monster eats ponies.

Wednesday

It's Official: EVERYTHING Pain in the Ass Now

Predator Press


[LOBO]

"Just because I took you off of Probation doesn't mean I don't still own 51% of Barbarossa Enterprises," I says, menacingly poking my finger into his birdcage chest. "And things like this could get you right back on Probation."

"Well I don't know if you're aware of this," Barbarossa retorts, "but congratulations J.R. Ewing. You are proud owner of 51% of all four seasons of Sealab 2021 on DVD and 100,000 pairs of socks."

"Ah-HA!" I says.

Wait.

-What?

"And don't ask about the sock thing," Barbarossa warns. "I have OCD as a consequence of childhood trauma. If I don't buy socks, I stab people."

Man those must be some pretty cool socks.

"Fine," I demand. "Then we'll start with the socks. I would like my 51% of them immediately. And don't think you're gonna to give me all the crappy socks either -I want all of the left-side ones, and 1,000 right-side of my choice."

Sunday

I Injured the Obliques!





Predator Press

[LOBO]

I, the Mighty LOBO, must wear glasses now.

-And all this time I thought the "Alphabits" were just talkin' trash.

Tuesday

Divided You Fall

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Want a decent example of how fucked contemporary America is? Rush Limbaugh and I are in total agreement.

The single surviving facet not struck down by the Supreme Court in Arizona's attempt to get a handle on their "Immigration" issue was the one where, if lawfully stopped, the police were authorized to verify the citizenship status of the individual.

Let me start by saying I do not think the need to present an ID is a racist issue. Even I, the Mighty LOBO -Senior LOBOnian Diplomat and Liason to the United States- have to present identification several times a week.

So all ten people legally in Arizona said, "Hey, we have to pay for these untaxed people through social services funded by our legal residents. Federal law prohibits this type undocumented 'occupation,' but you Feds are not enforcing your own laws. And this is really screwing the four people in Arizona who are paying taxes."

The Supreme Court rejected virtually every element of Arizona's proposed laws -based ironically on the fact that "immigration" is an exclusively Federal issue- but retained Arizona's right to identify "illegals" to the Feds.

So cool, right? At least the Feds are still on board?

Within HOURS of this teeny "victory," Federal officials told Arizona "Yeah. You can find out if they are illegal or not. But don't call us about it." I swear to God that's exactly what happened: the 'United' States told Arizona "You're still on your own."

So Arizona is handcuffed to whatever al qaeda fuck that wanders in without recourse because the Feds decided to be defunct and useless by selective enforcement of their own law? That's at least dereliction of duty if not outright treason, and Arizona is obliged to manage an unenforceable, porous, dangerous and expensive border as a consequence.

-Whoops ... can we really even call it a "border" at this point with a straight face?

I cite the United States in contempt of it's own hallowed "Constitution," and if I were Arizona, I would secede from this so-called "Union" entirely. LOBOnia backs Arizona 100%. Moreover, LOBOnia has plenty of room for Arizona, and invites Arizona to become an official LOBOnian territory -replete with a LOBOnian government and LOBOnian taxation.

C'mon Arizona. Think about it at least.

-LOBOnia has better weather too.

Sunday

It's On


Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Who is this?"

"You damn well know who this is. This is Debbie."

"Okay," I sigh, leaning back on the couch.

Brief pause.

"Is this Jesse?" she asks.

"Is this Debbie?" I demand.

-Holy crap. I hope I have popcorn left.

Saturday

NASA Retires Space Shuttle "Atlanta" to Undisclosed Location

Predator Press

[LOBO]



Cat Crack on a Soap Salt Budget

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I found a half a pack of "Fuzzy Sticks" -kinda like really long pastel pipe cleaners.

For a full bag containing 100 the Walmart label says "$1.99."  The product code suggests they can be found in the Crafts Department, and the fact that Walmart has a "Crafts Department" is probably most profound thing in this post altogether.

Still, it started with me bouncing a "Fuzzy Stick" playfully off of Phil II's noggin.  Once I got her attention, she would try and catch the end.  And as she inevitably caught it here and there, random kinks and elbows would form in the wire ... only serving to make the thing more wobbly and unpredictable.

Ultimately I set it down, and she continued to play with it relentlessly for two hours straight, hopping on one bent end only to have the other rise.

-Thoroughly exhausted, she is now sound asleep.

HELP ME