Soak

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Vitalized by our harrowing near-death experience meeting James Carville, the Butterbean kid and I ate ice cream and discussed the possible cosmic ramifications.

“At least this isn’t some weird yogurt,” he says.

My eyebrows furrow as I study the globe. “I still can’t find where he claims he was born.”

“It’s Fort Benning, Georgia,” Butterbean offers. “It would be right over Florida.”

“Well that’s exactly where my thumb is,” I protest. “I’m not buying it.”

Lapping up the last of Fudgie the Whale, we consider this in relative silence.

Butterbean eventually pipes up, rubbing a paper towel against the sticky shirt covering his flabbing pectorals. “So what if aliens have taken over our minds and have made us join the democratic party?” He sits at his parfait. “Now all the Gary Coleman clones are ours.”

Warily, I climb down from the table. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," says Butterbean. "Thanks to Mister Drummond and his daughters, your ankles are now completely safe from Sickle Cell Anemia."

“A sister,” I says mystically. “NBC was wise to hide her from me.”

Predator Press Interviews: James Carville

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Federation or Borg?” the Butterbean kid demands. He’s standing on a chair, looking through the peephole of my front door.

“Excuse me?” asks a muffled voice from outside.

Sensing the kid’s alarm, I approach. “Who is it?”

“You gotta see this,” he replies, face pressed against the door. “It’s either Jean-Luc Pickard or Locutus.”

“Jesus,” I breathe. “What the hell is he selling?”

The kid steps down and moves the chair. “I don’t know yet.”

I open the door. “Can I help you?”

“Hello,” says the well-dressed man. “My name is James Carville.”

Butterbean and I stare.

“The lead strategist for the Clinton presidential campaign?” he adds helpfully.

I scowl. “You’ve got the wrong house. There’s nobody here named ‘Clinton.’ And do you have any idea what time it is?”

He looks at his watch. “10:30 in the morning?”

“I better get some free ice cream for dragging me out of bed like this,” I says.

He smiles. “I believe you’re confusing me with Carvel ice cream. I’m just visiting random registered democrats to get their feelings on the 18 billion in bailout money earmarked for executive bonuses.”

“No Fudgie the Whale, no dice,” I insist. “Besides, you should probably know I’m a registered republican and libertarian too. I like being on the winning team.”

Butterbean whistles. “You can screw everything up and get 18 billion in bonuses?” He looks at me. “You’re in the wrong business.”

“Shut up,” I says.

“Look,” says Carville. “We’re on the precipice of major change. This year saw America elect it’s first African-American president, and-“

“We have a black president?” I says. “Is it Tupoc?”

There’s and uncomfortable silence.

“No,” Carville says finally.

“Can you teach me the Vulcan Nerve Pinch?” asks Butterbean.

“You’re thinking of Leonard Nimoy,” replies Carville.

“Don’t confuse this guy with Leonard Nimoy,” I says to Butterbean. “Leonard Nimoy is a class act.” I eye Carville. “Leonard Nimoy would’ve brought us ice cream.”

“Uh-huh,” Butterbean agrees. “Plus he would’ve stayed out of those tanning beds.”

“Seriously!” I says. “Carville you look fifty years older since The Lord of the Rings. You know there’s spray-on stuff now that doesn’t turn your skin into melted leather.”

“Will you shoot an arrow off of my head?” asks Butterbean.

“No I will not shoot an arrow off of your head,” replies Carville. “You’re thinking of Orlando Bloom.”

“Yeah dumbass,” I says to Butterbean. “This is the guy that burned the picture of the Pope.”

“That’s Sinead O'Connor,” corrects Carville.

“Pulp Fiction?” I offer.

“Bruce Willis,” says Carville.

"The Transporter?" asks Butterbean.

"Grant Latham," replies Carville.

"Triple 'X'?" I venture.

"That's Vin Diesel," says Carville. “Are you guys just going to bark out a bunch of random bald celebrities now in an effort to figure out who I am rather than discussing government policy?”

“Probably," I says. "Why?"

LOBOSCOPES

Predator Press

[LOBO]

You are the only sane one left. All the other signs of the Zodiac have gone crazy and are out to get you.

It's kill or be killed, you poor bastard.



It is a tumor.

-I don't know how you did it, but you got testicular, prostate, ovarian and breast.

On the bright side, those things incubating on your itchy genitalia won't be succesfully diagnosed until after the autopsy.



You are shrewd and ruthless: upon reading these horoscopes, you immediately buy life insurance on every Cancerian you know.

To enjoy your bountiful destiny, it is a Cosmic imperative you eye your insurance broker strangely ... He's a Taurus. They like that.

It makes them respect you more.

Your lucky number today is "-1."



You are intelligent, amiable, charming, and good looking.

Nobody can stand you.



You are a complete loser, and the only person in the world that doesn't know it. Your own mother has to refrain from signing it on your birthday cards. Even your pets know it; your dog hides on walks when other dogs are around, and your goldfish are trying to spell it in the aquarium gravel.

Don't feel too bad, however; you could have been a Cancer ...



If you were never born, world hunger, famine and poverty would have abruptly ceased long ago; peace and harmony would've been the hallmark of all humankind.

Other than that, your outlook is great.



Still waters run deep.

Unfortunately, you are about as 'deep' as the Spice Girls.

Geminis should avoid careers that involve operating heavy machinery, explosives, basic math, spelling, and speaking out loud.



There's nothing wrong with your sexual appetites a little "Liquid G" can't handle.

Otherwise, just conduct your sermons as normal.



You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Carry a can of mace, and you might be able to get away eventually. After prosthetics and several years of rehab, psychiatry, and heavy medication you might even be released to the family on weekends.

-But don't count on it.



You Leo, are the lion of the Zodiac. This means you are as fat, lazy and worthless as the ones in the wild kingdom. While you sleep all day, your concubines run around hunting to feed you during the brief debacle of your slothful consciousness.

Well done!



Your wonderful and generous nature is rewarded rather ironically by Fate when you 'Realize' you were killed by one of Colbie Caillat's tour busses.



You Pisces, are the fish of the Zodiac: your only claim to history and fame will be an indirect and unfortunate association with the invention of tartar sauce.

Fish are ultimately animals that swim in their own urine and get hooked, beheaded, flayed, gutted, and deep-fried by the billions everyday. That having been said, do you really want to know your future?

As if your horoscope will say "You will wake up tomorrow a Scorpio" ... ?

Duh!!

The Skittish Invasion

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The Butterbean kid and I step out of the courthouse, and into the cold and harsh-seeming sunlight.

He looks up from his notepad. “So you do this every day?”

“No,” I says. Squinting as my eyes adjust, I hold the paperwork over my eyes. “The only have these hearings once a week.”

As we descend the stairs, I spot the Unfinished Rambler getting into his car.

“Hey!” I yell complaining. “It’s only for 100 feet!”

“I know,” calls Unfinished Rambler. “It’s a typo. I’ll get the lawyers to correct it to 100 yards as soon as they can.”

As he drives off I give him an informal salute, and me and Butterbean head down for my own car.

Butterbean is leafing through his notes. “So your plan is,” he restates, “to get everyone to take out a temporary restraining order on you so they have to move, therefore enabling you to keep the whole city for yourself?”

I unlock the back door. Pausing for a second, I kiss the document for effect. “These things are like gold.” As I toss it in the car, Butterbean now realizes there are thousands of TROs piled back there.

He scowls thoughtfully. “But if they are taking out restraining orders on you, wouldn’t that mean you have to move?”

I look at him, and then the documents.

And then back at him.

“Of course not!” I says climbing into the driver’s seat. “Look. You’re just a dumb kid. These legislative matters are very complex.”

"You told the judge her hair looks like three cats fighting."

"Chicks dig compliments," I says starting the car. "And it was far and away the coolest hair I've ever seen."

He swings the seatbelt around his rather impressive girth. “Where are we going now?”

I turn to size up the mountains of paperwork.

“Someplace to get a lot of Liquid Paper.”

Steampunk

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I don't do product endorsements.

-mostly because no one will pay me to do them.

Still I think this stuff is really interesting and worth a look.

Neat!

Thought for Food

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When did grocery store cashiers start informing people ‘how much we saved’?

It irritates me. If I hear an enthusiastic “You saved $6.32!” one more time I’m going to freak out.

If you’re going to bother and artificially inflate a price temporarily to impress me, just go crazy.

“You saved $1,456,042.48!”

-At least that way my mac ‘n cheese coupons wouldn't seem so emasculating.

Retox

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The kid –who looks a little like a pint-sized Butterbean- just kind of slips into the kitchen as I’m pouring milk into my bowl. The food, inspected under a black light only moments before, is presumed safe for my consumption.

But I’m still pretty groggy and not 100% I’m not dreaming the kid up: I decide to say nothing and try and ignore him in case.

-The possible illusion is shattered moments later as he loudly slides into a chair at the table.

“Hi,” he says shyly, averting my gaze.

“Hi,” I reply, chewing.

A few uncomfortable moments of silence follow.

“Is that cereal?”

“No,” says me, eyeing him warily. “It’s Peanut M&Ms.”

“Huh,” he says. "Do you always wear welding goggles at breakfast?"

"Son, you ever get hard candy shell in your eye?"

"No."

"Well then don't knock good protective gear. This isn’t some bullshit caramel nugat: this stuff is engineered to melt in your mouth. Not in your eye."

More silence. He starts uncomfortably looking around the kitchen. “Miss Terri said I could come in and talk to you.”

“Are you done?”

“No. See I have this school project where I have to interview people of different occupations.” He flips open a notepad. “I have you here as an ‘Author.’ Is that correct?”

I examine his beady little eyes for signs of sarcasm.

“You want to interview me?” I ask.

“Well my dad thought it was a good idea. Since you don’t actually have a job, he figured he wouldn’t have to drive me anyplace.”

I drop my spoon into the bowl -now empty except for discolored milk- and lean back in my chair. “Who is your dad again?”

“We live next door.”

I scowl without recognition.

“You killed my gramma with a Lawn Jart last summer,” he adds helpfully.

My eyebrows furrow. I gesture for him to stand and turn around. And sure enough, there’s that distinctive blocky skull shape.

“Oh yeah,” I says. “Man, your mom was pissed."

Post-Apocalypse Blogging

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Kathy: “And today archeologists uncovered even more writings by LOBO of Predator Press.”

Jeff: “Were they more posts complaining about what jerks people were?"

Kathy: “Why yes they were Jeff.”

Diesel: “That LOBO was such a visionary …"

Speedcat: “Yes he was, Diesel. Yes he was. And now in sports news … "

Ask LOBO: Where Do We Get Predator Press Merchandise?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, why can’t I get Predator Press merchandise?"

Well I’m glad you asked me that.

You can all stop setting yourselves on fire demanding it. You can all stop jumping off of buildings demanding it. You can all stop setting yourselves on fire and then jumping off of buildings demanding it!

They are here:




Now I’ve noticed a slight problem with the first 150,000 I had made, and this brings me to my first disclaimer: Predator Press t-shirts do not come with Spellcheck installed.

These were intended to be $9.99. But I had to send them back and get them corrected:




Now, correctly stenciled, they came in at $26.99 apiece.

But that looks kinda weird, right? So I had them sent back a third time. And for the low-low price of $69.50, I give you the Official Predator Press T-Shirt:


Click on it to enlarge!




It’s 100% polyester!

High Score

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"What are you doing?" asks Screechy, my fascinated six year old.

As the pale bule light flickers over my face, I don't even look at him. "I'm clicking on a few Entrecard sites in the faint hope I can score a few million readers tonight."

After a beat, I lean over and whisper "It might mean the difference between Harvard and Brown for you."

He grimaces at the monitor. "You get points by clicking on those little yellow boxes?"

"Yes son. Every one of those little yellow boxes is the blog of an infinitely important and interesting individual human being."

"It looks like a game. Can I play?"

I pause, thinking.

"Only if you play to win."

Lady McDeath

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Doctor I. M. Nyarlathotep puts down his stethoscope.

“So the patient has no issues with drugs or alcohol?”

“No,” replies Terri.

Nurse Garrison peers over her glasses. “You’re kidding, right?”

“I’m comin’ Elizabeth!” I call loudly from my hospital bed.

“Who the fuck is ‘Elizabeth’?” Terri growls.

“This could be serious,” says the doctor. “One single not properly refrigerated Filet-O-Fish is the equivalent of-“

“Doc,” says Terri. “He has faked his death on this blog thirty times.”

“Word,” nods Nurse Garrison from behind the clipboard.

“Twenty six!” I correct loudly from my hospital bed.

“-but if you think for one second,” Terri continues, “I’m going to let you jack me up on this hospital bill, I’ll stuff that stethoscope so far up your-“

I suddenly sit bolt upright, clutching my heart. “Cancel … my … subscription … to … Highlights ... Ack!”

... and then collapse.

Nurse Garrison lowers her clipboard. "In medical terminology, them's fightin' words."

"Oh please," says Terri. "He only subscribes so the mailman thinks he's smart."