Dynasty

Predator Press

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Having caved to the pressure to move west, Terri and I took the kids to O’Hare yesterday so’s they could stay with relatives while we put our affairs in order.

The house is quiet without Screechy pointlessly runnin back and forth bangin’ and breakin stuff. And now instead of uselessly arguing for weeks with Shiftless, the lawn is getting mowed promptly. The phone is quiet and fully-charged in it’s cradle, cold to the touch in the absence of the medium-sized one one -eh, Complainy.

[*sigh*]

Who would’ve thought I would miss them?

I don’t have anyone to blame stuff on anymore!

[*sniff*]

Running and Mating

Predator Press

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Alright.

I don't usually weigh in on political matters -well, on any sides anyways- but I must say the announcement of McCain's Vice Presidential running mate Sarah Palin surprised me.

-And not entirely in an unpleasant way, like how sick I got when Ethan bet I couldn't drink all the old windshield squeegee fluid at that Amoco in Buffalo, Wyoming. I was more surprised like when MIT announced they had discovered a way to quanitify fashion sense between the hyphae mycelium of various fungi in lab Petri dishes. You know, the kind of surprise you experience when Paul Reiser lands another sitcom? You go "Huh. I really liked that guy in One Night at McCool's," followed by something like, "Hey honey, did anyone feed the cat yesterday?"

And I don't care that Sarah Palin has only been Governor of Alaska for 18 months. Nor do I care she doesn't have much experience in foreign policy. All I need to know is that she has five kids.

Five!

Sarah, that's awesome. You really like to get your 'freak' on. A lot. But just what does it take to get you to try contraception!? How many dirty diapers? How many boogers? How much screeching?

Republicans and religious people in general are against birth control ... hey I get that. But if Jesus, on a carpenter's budget, was trying to pluck melted Gummi Bears from his station wagon's upholstery while his four screaming kids bitched about how they wanted Dairy Queen instead of nachos during the Laker's game, whatever he was turning that water into would have far more devious applications than you could imagine.


Check out the Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football Blog!

Pipeline

Predator Press

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Ah, September.

And we all know what that means, don't we?

It's finally that special time of the year when all hearts and minds prepare for the biggest event of the year: The Santa Claus Blanket Party.

I can sense some of you starin' at this blog in utter disbelief. Oh, get over it. You're all thinking it ... at least I've got the stones to put it in print: that fat bastard has violated the sanctity of our homes for the last time. When he sneaks down the chimney 'an goes to greedily wolf down my milk 'an cookies this year, WHANG!, he's getting a snow shovel full of holiday cheer right upside the head.

Too chicken to help me with this? Fine, cowards! I'll keep all those Xbox 360s for myself then!

Look, it's not like I'm going to make Santa 'toss my salad' or anything weird; I just wanna rough the guy up a little. Maybe take the reindeer for a spin down to the Burger King drive-thru, that sort of thing. And can you imagine how much those little elves will pay in ransom for the safe return of their poorly dressed, fried food-scarfing king?

God, just the thought of that food-stained, grease-dripping beard gives me chills.

"But LOBO," I hear the mincing liberal pansies cry, "Why do you want a rusty, jagged, salted catheter put in Santa and the other end hooked up to a team of startled Clydesdales? Santa brings joy all over the world to often less-fortunate children!"

Yeah? Well screw them. I know all about being less-fortunate, thank you: one July when I was a kid I helped out the mailman by relieving him of the entire neighborhood's food stamps. But when the eighty-six pallets of Velveeta Pepper Jack arrived at my house, there wasn't anyplace to keep them except in the neighbor's empty swimming pool.

I would've pulled the whole thing off, but the dumb kid that lived there dove in and tried opening his eyes in the thick, spicy, bubbling murk. Screaming, he then attempted to wipe away the blistering sauce with fistfuls of my tortilla chips and somehow punctured one of his water wings in the process; this caused a potentially fatal clockwise downward spiral smack into the sour cream.

If that sour cream wasn't there, he most certainly would have drowned. But did the prosecuting attorney ever bother to point out my valorous consideration of the Coriolis Effect in this unfortunate incident? No. In fact, that jerk tried to my the whole thing look like it was my fault!

You just don't get any "less fortunate" than that: I'm a hero if you think about it.

This year, the fat man pays up.

I Don't Do Things So J. D. Has To

Predator Press

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Someday, when the ‘secrecy’ of what I do for a living is no longer important, my boss will probably tell you I’m terrible at relaxing. I spend my breaks and lunch hours poring over comparative spreadsheets, checking this, verifying that … it’s pretty much a textbook case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder on an epic scale.

Blogging, it seems, is no different for me. Since Blogger has no download feature, I’ve been trying to get myself to take a few days off so I can backup these 900 and some-odd posts that the ever-important Predator Press files survive a catastrophic nuclear strike or whatever.

Can't.

I lie awake at night worried. Will my millions and millions of readers be okay without me? What if there’s a massive panic in my absence? In my mind, only thing worse than you guys immolating yourselves or jumping off of buildings would be you guys immolating yourselves, then jumping off of buildings.

First I thought Terri, but she can't do it while I'm hoggin the PC. Then I considered Don Lewis, but he’s embroiled in his presidential campaign; I’m not sure he wouldn’t abuse the position for political gain. I mulled over Sinister Dan for a while too, but I’m pretty sure at some point he would have you guys immolating yourselves and jumping off of buildings just for his own personal amusement.

There’s really only one other person I can think of that can lead the massive throngs of fans serene and safe through the rest of the week.

And if I’m not doing it, she has to, right?

So J.D., here’s a couple of things I would definitely not do in case your looking for ideas:

I Don’t Compete in the Olympics Anymore. Sure it was fun setting all those records for a while, but I got tired of breaking the hearts of all those spirited young athletes. Finally one day, while looking into the eyes of yet another defeated would-be champion, I just handed him my gold medal.

“Here kid," I says. "Just go up there and tell them you’re me.”

“Wow!” he says, overjoyed. “Thanks LOBO!”

I hear Carl Lewis is still doing pretty well for himself to this day.

I Don’t Use Frank Lloyd Wright Architecture and Interior Design on Ant Farms. It’s not that I don’t like ‘Organic Design’, or that I don’t like ants. It’s just that I don’t like the name ‘Lloyd’. I mean what arrogant historical prick decided that one ‘L’ wasn’t enough? Larry –while not shy about the ‘R’s- decided one ‘L’ was enough. Lance decided that one ‘L’ would do. But Loyd? Oh hell no. Loyd hadda hog all the ‘L’s. Why’d you stop there, “Lloyd”? Why not Lllllllllloyd?

-This kind of self-indulgent redundancy makes me want to puke.

Anyways J.D., you get the picture. Have a good week, remain calm, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t … wait. Do do the things that … uh …

(Great. Now I have a headache.)

Exclusive: Airline Traveler, Luggage Arrive On Time In Right Place

Predator Press

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Predator Press Interviews: Barack Obama

Predator Press

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Uncharacteristically prepared for this 07/02/08 interview, I am a little stunned at Obama’s well-groomed and relaxed demeanor. However, a seasoned journalist, I’ve learned to face these surprises with an icy cool that only comes with experience.

We professionally shake hands, and the interview begins.

-But armed with tedious 'facts' and stuff, I come out swinging.

LOBO: So why’d you do it?

Obama: Excuse me?

LOBO: You know what you did.

[Obama shrugs, bewildered]

LOBO: You know, that whole "September 11th" thing.

Obama: I think you are thinking of Osama.

LOBO: Who?

Obama: Osama Bin Laden.

LOBO: Who are you?

Obama: I’m Barack Obama.

LOBO: No relation?

Obama: No.

LOBO: Ever think about attacking America with airplanes?

Obama: No.

LOBO: Ever been on an airplane?

Obama: Yes.

LOBO: But never thought of attacking America with it?

Obama: No. I did, however, remove my seat belt before the light instructed me to.

LOBO: Now you’re being a smart ass.

Obama: No. I’m completely serious. I lost myself in a moment of reckless abandon.

LOBO: See? You’re mocking me.

Obama: I also stole four bags of peanuts when the flight attendant wasn’t looking.

LOBO: Really?

Obama: No. Then I was mocking you.

LOBO: So why are you here?

Obama: For the interview.

LOBO: Are you supposed to be interesting for some reason?

Obama: Well, I’m running for President.

LOBO: Well, so am I. Lah-dee-dah!

Obama: Good luck to you.

LOBO: What’s your platform?

Obama: Making America a better place.

LOBO: Oh god that is SO boring. We could’ve got Hillary to say that.

Obama: Boring? What’s your platform?

LOBO: I dunno. I haven’t really thought about it yet. Maybe making a gigantic space robot that’ll squish Al Queda with big-assed feet.

Obama: Sounds expensive.

LOBO: I’ll slash the budget, then.

Obama: Where?

LOBO: Anyplace that doesn’t contribute directly to the space robot, or the Brazilian Bikini-Wax Act.

Obama: What about Welfare?

LOBO: We’ll get plenty of welfare once we’ve got a bad-assed space robot in our corner. C’mon Obama, use your imagination here. It’ll build, like, entire schools in a matter of minutes. And it will fight crime.

Obama: It will fight crime too?

LOBO: I’m sensing some skepticism here.

Obama: Will it deliver the mail?

LOBO: Now you’re being silly.

Cube of Woe

Predator Press

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Man I was unbelievably pissed.

"Sir," squawks the technician over my cellphone. "It would be a lot easier to help you if you calmed down."

"Calm down?" I demand. "I'm going to die in this thing!"

"I highly doubt that sir. You said you already called the fire department, right?"

"Yes I did. I also called the police, the CIA, the FBI, FEMA and Interpol. How dare you unleash this poorly designed and untested -potentially lethal device- upon the unsuspecting public?"

"It's called an elevator, sir."

"It's a goddamned box of death, you quack! You people are the geometric equivalent of Comcast. Where'd you learn engineering, cosmetology school?"

"Sir, I assure you our engineers and technicians are highly qualified. But I'm only a customer service rep for Otis Elevators."

Inspecting the warning panel, I verify this: Otis Elevators is clearly marked right next to 'In Case of Emergency' and the 800 number I dialed.

"Well, let me talk to Otis."

"Excuse me?"

"Otis," I demand coolly. "Put that fucker on."

[muffled laughter]

"Uh, sir, -"

"I'm sorry. Did you say something? I can't hear you unless you're Otis!"

"Um," says the guy. "I'm Otis sir."

"Really?" I says.

"Yes sir. Now you said you already called the fire department. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well it's pretty boring in here. And the fire department won't be here for another half an hour."

"You don't have a paperback or something?"

"No," I says glumly. "I even called Mandy."

"Mandy?"

"Yeah. It's scratched in the glass here. 'For a good time call Mandy'. She's actually a pretty decent cello player, but it was eating up my minutes."

"Sir, I've been running a satellite diagnostic on the elevator you're in and it's responding just fine. Which floor did you press?"

"Floor?"

"Yes sir. There are buttons you have to press with numbers that correspond with the floor you want to go to."

"No shit?"

"Yes sir. They should be right over the warning plaque."

"I'll be damned. Otis, you're a genius!"

"Thank you sir."

"Wow. They even light up!"

What Ever Happened to Quicksand?

Predator Press

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Once again, Predator Press scienticians have stepped up, and -at no small expense to you- decided to settle the burning age-old question on everyone’s mind: What Ever Happened to Quicksand?

You remember ... One could barely get through a half an hour of television without some poor slob stumbling upon his buddy's safari hat laying mysteriously on the ground. Then he or she goes to pick it up, and the horror ensues -it’s quicksand!

I remember being taught about quicksand by no less than three teachers during the brief debacle of my adolescent education. They all conflicted with each other too. “Don’t struggle,” one said. “Lay flat and roll out,” said another. -Clearly even back then this enigmatic sedentary evil was barely understood. Of course, this was in the same day and age they taught us to curl up in a hallway in case of aerial bombings, and hide under our desks during nuclear blasts.

I hate to say it, but the Predator Press scienticians really let me down this time. All they did was gorge Dominoes pizza, play World of Warcraft, and work on their MySpace pages until "Enlarge Your Penis" SPAM beguiled them into downloading crippling viruses via porn.

Obviously the Great Mystery of Quicksand is beyond the feeble understanding of even the greatest minds of our time. Still, we here at Predator Press remain hopeful that perhaps one day Humanity will learn to communicate with this, the most misunderstood, secretive, and voracious of Nature’s killers.

But until then, we’re hoping you all will start wearing big, buoyant hats.

The Number You Haven't Dialed ...

Predator Press

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"He's not calling," says Terri.

"Of course he's calling," I insist. "You remember the now-historic interview I had with Barack. We had a real moment there.”

“You don’t think he would have called you by now?”

“I'm sure he's very busy. Who else would Barack pick as VP? Do you think he wants Don Lewis to win?"

“What about John McCain?”

“Oh come on. Nobody is seriously voting a fast food clown in for president.”

“That’s Ronald McDonald. John McCain is a decorated war vet, and-“

“Which war?”

“Vietnam.”

“Did he win?”

“Well-"

“He must have won,” I reflect. “He also survived the subsequent World Wars One and Two. That’s impressive.”

“What?”

“They name wars alphabetically so history students don’t have a hard time.”

“Really.”

“Yes. That’s why we’re never moving to Yugoslavia.”

“Because we’re going to have a war there?”

“They will probably retool all those Yugo factories to build tanks, but we can wipe them out with cleverly placed potholes and speed bumps. In fact, my first act as VP will be to surround that country entirely with potholes and speed bumps. It'll be like trying to invade Chicago!"

"And that's your strategy against Yugoslavia?"

"If you want to pick a winner in that war, I would go with whatever country produces the most potholes and speed bumps per capita.”

“Preemptively wiping out another country’s military seems more like a conservative plan. Don’t you think you would be a better VP for a republican like McCain?”

“Who?”

Spooky

Predator Press

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A dark and addled thing of doom
whispers lies and gloats in gloom;
poised to strike so very soon
it haunts this place and chills my room!

"Leave me to my own devices:
I give no heed to such entices!
I will not fear what haunts my bed
-for you are only in my head!"


I feel it sniff under the door
-a gleeful, mocking predator-
"You do not fear what you don’t see?
Well, what about X-Rays? Hm? Or E-Coli? And how about radioactive isotopes? When is the last time you saw a radioactive isotope? Even a small exposure to radioactive isoptopes could really mess up your thyroid.”

Monsters hate poetry.

Shanghaied

Predator Press

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“So let me get this straight,” says Nurse Garrison, looking down her glasses. “Due to mortgaging the house and a streak of tawdry material, your wife assaulted you?”

“If you replace the word ‘assaulted’ with the words 'collided a cast-iron skillet with,' you would be 100% correct.”

“She must’ve been pretty mad.”

“I’ll say,” I says through the gauze. “She made bacon and eggs in it first.”